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...like me and my bowsaw.
Yes, that's right, I said bowsaw. I went to Home Depot today and bought myself one. Then, when Daughter fell asleep for her nap, I went outside and started to dismantle a dead tree that's been laying in our yard for a year and a half. It fell during a spring ice storm in '05. Technically it is our neighbors' tree, but as they have 15 dirtbikes, a horse from an old carousel, a duck with its own wading pool, and a trampoline in their yard, we don't figure they are the type of good people who will ever offer to have their tree removed from our property. They also just stand in the doorway and scream at their kids during the warmer months...you know, those kind of folks. Whatever.
Here is what remained after I chopped, hacked, and dragged. I should have taken a picture before I started - the change is pretty big. It has been laying there so long it's just a tangle of viney growth. The tree it landed next to has started to grow around it. It's a mess. We will probably lose the tree in the foreground as well - the back split off during the storm 2 weeks ago. We will pay for that to be removed, but I can do the dead tree myself.
Here's what I removed. The photo doesn't even do it justice. There's a lot of stuff in that pile.
And here's a look at the whole mess. I really want to reclaim the backyard so we can seed it next summer and have nice grass for Daughter to play on.
It was really satisfying to do this work. I just chopped away at the smaller stuff with big hedge clippers, and sawed the branches that were too thick to be chopped. Then I dragged and raked and dragged some more. There's something very cool about the moment when you're sawing a branch and it makes that "crack!" sound before it splits off. I worked until my arms felt like noodles, I could quite literally smell myself (eew!) and I had sweat running down my back (also it was over 60 degrees today, which is kind of why I did it in the first place). I also bitched and crabbed and talked to myself, letting out some pent up emotion that really needed to be released.
Now that I am done I have that crazy high - you know how that is? You work so hard it hurts and then you just feel so...cleansed, or something. My arms are going to hurt SO MUCH tomorrow (I already started taking ibuprofin to head off the pain), my palms are blistered, and I have some scratches on my hands, but it was worth it. I'll be back out there to do more as weather permits. Who knew cutting apart a dead tree could be such good therapy?
(Yes, I was conscious of my safety - nothing could fall on me, the tree is laying on the ground. And I am very careful with my shiny new saw.)
You know, I'm usually not one for melodrama...in fact, I hate feeling weak and weepy in general. But quite frankly, I feel like life's been kicking me while I'm down for like, the past year.
Every day I wake up feeling like I'm huddled at the bottom of a dark hole, my knees hunched up and my hair hanging in my face, all cold and wet and sad. And I have to make the conscious decision every day to get up and try to climb out of that hole. Some days - most days, really - I am able to do just that, and I go about my business. But some days the walls are just too slippery and I slide back down into a crumpled heap.
This week was filled with those days. Last night I had to run off and be alone, so after dinner I scooted out to the craft store to get a knitting needle for my current project, then wandered around WalMart almost until closing time. Man, that's a lame and sad thing to do. You ever do that? Just wander WalMart late at night? You'll see an interesting cross-section of humanity.
I bought some stuff, but that didn't make me feel any better. I stopped for drive-thru coffee to bring home to Hubs, and got one for myself but that didn't do anything for me either. Finally, halfway home, I burst into tears. It quickly turned into ugly crying, with the snotty nose and the gagging. I cried loud and I cried hard, until my throat hurt and I could hardly see as I drove through the rain. I was still crying as I pulled into the driveway, so I sat in the car with my head in my hands and let it come.
I started this blog about a year ago now (well, November 1), and I looked back today at that first month of posts. Back then the blog was what I had intended it to be - a lighthearted look at my little life with Hubs and Daughter, and my crafty endeavors. The writing is nice, light, entertaining...and was written by a different girl altogether than the one typing this tonight. I am so glad that a number of you found me here and came back for more. I am so sorry that you've had to get to know me through hearing about the worst year of my life.
Thank you for sticking with me and understanding. Thank you for letting me use this craft blog to share my feelings and experiences, and thank you for your words of support.
I'll be back in a few days with some new projects, some completed projects, and probably some more maudlin words. Here's hoping the next year will be better than the last.
Sorry for the lack of post-age around here. I'm having a difficult time right now and don't much feel like talking.
So I want to make myself this sweater. Anyone know of a pattern?
Thanks for your kind responses to our disaster...though quite frankly, it hasn't been much of a disaster for our immediate family. I think God let us off easy on this one because of all we've been through. One or two of you have asked if there is anything far-away people can do. I would say just pray for the people who are still without power, that they may remain patient and allow crews to get the job done. Otherwise, it isn't too bad around here, I don't think. The roads are passable, the supermarkets are open. The main problem is getting all the huge old trees cleared and fixing the power lines. Buffalo is an old city and has (or had) thousands of gorgeous giant trees - that's actually the whole problem with this storm. The leaves weren't finished falling by a long shot, and they caught the heavy, wet snow. That's what caused the breaking of the branches in the first place.
Also, to clarify, this was not the kind of snow you really wanted to go play in. It was too dangerous to be outside anyway. Plus, I haven't bought boots for Daughter yet - it's only October for pete's sake! I have looked at them at WalMart and Target - over the weekend I couldn't help but think of Karen's post last winter in which she advised us all to "just buy the boots!" Karen, you were right. I should have picked them up when I saw them. I'll be doing that this week.
***
Onward to more fun stuff.
To answer a comment question, the buttons on the blue sweater were purchased at WalMart. I swear, it's true. They have only a tiny button rack but there are some treasures to be found.
I did much knitting by candlelight over the weekend, so there are projects in progress that I hope to show soon. I wasn't going to knit for Christmas this year, but there has been a special request by my bro-in-law's girlfriend for a pullover. How could I refuse?
And today I finished up 2 paid projects:
Fall leaves on a black background
Fall leaves on a cream background
YAY! No more applique! These were a lot of work but they came out really nice, methinks. You can't tell here but the leaves and stems are stitched down about 1/8" inside the edges with King Tut cotton variegated thread in the colors of the leaves. It's purdy. There are 2 because the store I work for has 2 locations - one of these wallhangings will go to each.
The pattern is "The Old Oak Tree" (#338) by Prairie Grove Peddler. It has directions for two different size table runners and this wallhanging (finished size 24" X 27").
I have a bunch of fun projects as well as a bunch of necessary projects on deck. I changed my quote up top there - it used to be from the Beastie Boys (I'm a dork!) but now it's a neat quote I got from somewhere I can't remember. I like the sentiment and am trying to live by it and not purchase quite so much new stuff. Many of you are total thrift-meisters and better at this than I could ever be, but I'm trying. In that vein, I am about to make new king-size pillow cases for our bed from an old fitted sheet that has a tear, and hopefully some curtains for our bedroom from the same sheet. I'm thinking of using some Rit dye for the curtains (the sheet is bright white, 100% cotton). I've never used Rit before but I'm adventurous. Stay tuned for that one.
Also on the boring but necessary front, we decided to cut apart the back pillows on our sofa, wash, re-sew and re-stuff them. The dog has ruined them by laying up there to sleep. I've done 3 of 5 so far and frankly, they look awesome. All I've had to buy is the new stuffing, and that will only end up costing us about $30. That's a lot cheaper and more responsible than getting whole new couches!
Also, I have fabric for Christmas flannel pants for Daughter, some purple corduroy to make her a church dress, and eleventy-billion quilt projects started. I intend to knock down some of the languishing project pile over the winter. And I'm trying to choose a month to dedicate to knitting baby items for the hospital bereavement program - I'm thinking January, for something to work on in the Christmas/holiday aftermath.
Holy moly, what a weekend!
Thursday evening the snow started, and it was heavy, wet "lake effect," which to some of you doesn't mean anything, but many of you know how bad that can be. It didn't start snowing where I live until nighttime, and we didn't lose power until halfway through the 11:00 news. We spent a very dark, chilly night in our house, during which Hubs and I got approximately 2 total hours of sleep. Between checking on Daughter every 15 minutes, peeking outside to see what the firemen were up to, listening to cars trying to get out of ditches, and hearing the rifle-shot sound of huge branches cracking under the weight of the snow, there wasn't much opportunity to sleep.
Friday morning we got up, made breakfast the old fashioned way (that is, with no microwave...goodness, how did our parents do it?!?), and thanked the heavens above that we have a gas stove and no basement. We were able to cook, and we didn't have to worry about a sump pump. It was chilly-willy outside (in the 40s) and chilly-willy inside (in the 50s) so we grabbed some perishibles and several changes of clothes and headed to my parents house. They have a generator and my Dad had the genius idea to wire the furnace for it a year or two ago. They also have a gas stove, so we knew we'd be comfortable there. The 45-minute ride took an hour and a half, as it was slow going on unplowed streets and we had to detour about 6 times to avoid gas leaks, fallen trees, and unpassable roads. There were few traffic lights working, and the thruway was closed so there were 18-wheelers everywhere. It was totally nuts. We would never have made it without the Jeep - yay Jeep!!
My parents' area got about 2 feet of snow, as I'm sure many of you saw on the news, and many more trees are destroyed out where they live. We saw roads where there were huge old trees literally hanging on the power lines between every pole, bowing the utility poles inward and causing traffic problems because the tops of the trees were in the street.
Current estimates are that everyone should have power back by this coming Sunday night. Ours apparently came back on quite quickly - we are thinking Friday afternoon, because our frozen stuff was still solid. My parents got power back yesterday afternoon. Many of our family and friends are still in the dark, there is not a generator to be had in the entire northeast part of the country, I'm pretty sure, and FEMA and the National Guard are here to work on cleanup. Many basements are totally flooded due to the melting snow (it is 60 degrees today) and no power for sump pumps. Others have lost hundreds of dollars worth of food in their freezers. Our family has been very lucky to have lost nothing except trees. My parents' yard is a total mess, but we seem to have only lost several big branches. We might lose one of our huge maples, but I haven't been out there to examine how bad it is. If the trunk is split low down, I think it's toast. None of us had anything fall on the roof, which is amazing.
Schools are closed for the week, as many are still without power, phones, heat, etc., and some of those that have power are being used as shelters for people in need. I have heard the school districts are providing hot meals and nursing care from the cafeteria workers and school nurses. That's nice to hear.
Overall, we consider ourselves to be blessed. No one got hurt, and we were warm and dry. Our only inconvenience right now is having to boil our water before consuming it, which is no big deal. I want to give a HUGE shout-out and big thanks to all the power companies that came up here to help restore power. I've never seen so many bucket trucks in my life. They are here from as far away as Alabama, and are working around the clock to get everyone back online. It's an awesome effort.
So we are good to go, and normal blogging should resume around here pretty soon. There's always more knitting and sewing to do...and it was lucky for me this weekend that my hobbies can be done by candlelight!
Did you all see us on the news? What a mess! No time to blog...gotta go start clearing branches out of the yard.
To catch up on what I've been making lately:
Here is a picture of the jumper I made for Daughter, seen in the post from a few days ago. As you can see, I made the facings from some funky multicolor dotted calico. I don't remember if I listed the specs or not, so I will do it here: New Look Kids #6578, size 1 but adjusted to the size 3 length. It's made from denim and calico. This is the same pattern I used for the sundresses I made over the summer and I love it. It will be making another appearance soon in purple corduroy. Also, to clarify, I did not make this dress during my crappy week - it was completed 2 Fridays ago!
Remember this one? I showed it to you sans buttons awhile ago. Well, Mom dug through her button tin and found exactly 4 of these chunky plastic buttons, which I like with the casual feel of the cotton yarn.
I definitely liked the suggestion to put one button at the top and let the rest of the front hang open, but we live in Buffalo, and you all know what that means come winter, right? Plus we live in an Old House, which means drafts-a-plenty, so Daughter's sweaters need to button all the way down.
This was finished up while we watched today's morning PBS lineup. Daughter caught whatever bug Hubs was suffering from last week, so she mostly played listlessly with her toys or sat next to me on the couch. She has that pathetic little cough and her voice is all snotty sounding - you know. Anyway, I chugged through the second sleeve while we sat there in our PJs, then sewed the buttons on really quick so she could try it on before her nap. It's perfect on her, and she will be wearing it for the rest of the day as it's about 48 degrees outside. Yikes! I guess it will get a hand-wash and blocking tonight after she's in bed. (Edited to add: Holy moly, I just checked the weather channel and it is actually 41, but feels like 33 outside...it's supposed to snow tonight! Good thing I got this finished up!)
Closeup of the buttons - love! Guess where I got 'em. Go on, guess. Yep, WalMart. I swear I hate that store so much, but darned if they don't sometimes have exactly what I need.
This sweater is exactly the same as the yellow cotton one: Knitting Pure and Simple top-down raglan cardigan, 18-month size. Same modifications (seed stitch for the bands). I really love this pattern, but it fits her so perfectly right now that I'm afraid to make any more in this size. I'll have to head to the yarn shop for the next size up, so I can work on next year's wardrobe. Yeah, I could probably sit down and do the math to figure out the bigger sizes, but meh - why do that when the designer already did it for me? It's worth the 4 bucks.
It's knitted from Ella Rae Classic worsted weight yarn, which I bought in a moment of weakness a couple weeks ago. I have been wanting to make something the exact color of Daughter's eyes, and this stormy blue-gray is perfect. I shouldn't be buying yarn, but I couldn't resist. I used my Denise needles for this sweater, in US 7 and 8, except for the sleeves, for which I used bamboo dpns in US 7 and 8.
Whew. That was a nice break...now it's back to the applique. Only 2 leaves left to go!
Lots of bloggers are talking about Halloween costume ideas for themselves and their kids. We are not "doing" Halloween this year because my kid is only 1.5 and also we have approximately zero kids in our neighborhood who trick or treat. So we'll be sitting inside with the porch light off and having a regular old night on the 31st.
BUT, I will share with you an excellent costume idea that my college roommate and I used one year. We may or may not have been drunk when we came up with it. Here it is:
We wore sunglasses and carried sticks, and made t-shirts that said, "Kiss me, I'm Venetian!"
Ok, so the past week has just kicked my ass. It started last weekend with a HUGE fight with my husband (all is fine now) and ended today with - hooray, oh joy, oh happy day! - PMS. Yeah, kind of forgot about that since I haven't really experienced it for like, 2+ years.
It was just one of those weeks where every day brought another round of misery. I kept thinking, "tomorrow will be better!" But tomorrow turned out lousy too.
My car battery died, and the hood was stuck shut. I mean it wouldn't budge, not even for my husband who is quite big and strong. He finally got it open and used jumper cables to fire it up again, but then we were afraid to close the hood for fear it wouldn't latch properly and this might happen again. So we waffled for several days, wondering what to do, which means Daughter and I sat in the house, grounded. Finally I lost patience and just closed the dumb thing. So far it has been fine but you never know...
We came home one night last weekend to find a small flood in the bathroom. The cold water supply line to the sink is totally leaking. Awesome! Cause we're totally rich and can afford a plumber. Oh, and the kitchen sink, which we had re-plumbed in the spring to the tune of $300? It's leaking again too. I think that is covered for a year, so we'll surely be calling the company to send a guy.
Hubs and I both had eye doctor appointments on Wednesday. Bleh. He said neither of us really needs new glasses, but Hub's are shot - between the stupid dog chewing them and the baby bending them he really needs new ones. And he is so blind he needs those coke-bottle lenses, and to get the good lightweight ones that don't look like coke bottles, we have to pay pay pay! Hate you bad eyes! On the bright side, I will finally get new contacts (after like 5 years of wearing the same old pair).
Oh, and speaking of the dog! Guess what? FLEAS!
There have been several more annoying things but whatever. Plus PMS. Plus my due date would have been right about any day now, so that's kind of hard. And Hub has the avian flu, I'm pretty sure, so he stayed home today, hacking and sneezing.
I have had NO TIME this week to do anything. No paid work, hardly any fun stuff - only what I have managed to squeeze in before falling asleep on the sofa at night. I hate weeks like this. Next week will be better. It has to be.
I somehow managed to do this:
(sorry, you know how I feel about the full-on face shots)
Denim jumper, as promised. It's totally cute and has contrast facings. I'll take a photo of it by itself soon. She wore it to church last week with a little shirt underneath, and tights and buckle shoes - ADORABLE! We go to a rather casual church (mass is held in the student union at a local college), and we let Daughter wander around a bit. She ended up standing in front of the musicians, wearing her sunglasses, dancing, and rocking out with the little Chicken Shake one of the guitar players gave her.
I look to things like this to help me remember my blessings, especially in the midst of such a crappy week.
The universe is conspiring against me this week and things have not been going well. Lots of annoyances to deal with re: house, car, dog...no time to blog!
I will share this one thing that I think is SO important. Last Friday a 45 year old woman was brutally murdered in one of the more affluent suburbs around here. She went out jogging alone on a public bike path and was attacked in broad daylight. She was beaten and strangled, and possibly raped (haven't heard yet if this is the case, though they did do a kit as part of her autopsy, so probably). Her body was found only 20 or 30 feet from the path, and they determined she was killed right there. She was the mother of 4 boys, I think ages 4-13. There was no reason for this senseless thing to happen. Ladies, PLEASE, do not go out running or walking alone. Take a friend with you. Or if there is no one to join you, at least go on very public roads, keep your music turned low, and pay attention to your surroundings. It is not worth leaving your husband/partner and children with no wife and mother, just to get some exercise! Please, please be careful out there.
I finished another sweater for Daughter. Upon its completion I held it up for Hub to admire and said, "I probably need to get a life." And he said, "no! I love seeing her in all the cute little things you make for her!"
That was the right answer. He is a good man, indeed.
Pattern: Top-down raglan cardigan from Knitting Pure and Simple, 18-month sizeYarn: Lion Brand Cotton Ease in Banana Cream, about 1.5 skeinsNeedles: US 7 and 8Mods: I knit the bands in seed stitch instead of k1, p1 rib because I like how it looks and I thought it might hold up better in cotton - I feared everything would stretch out and sag otherwise. Also, I used size 7 needles rather than 6 (as the pattern calls for) on the bands and cuffs. I think size 6 needles make everything pull in too much. I suppose it depends on your tension and yarn choice, but that's what works for me. Other than that I knit it as written. I have made this sweater about 5 or 6 times now and love it. KP&S patterns are wonderful.
As you can see, it has no buttons. I am rather stumped as to what kind of buttons would look nice on a banana yellow sweater.
Here's the "watching TV in a shaft of sunlight" shot. The color is more true here. It's really banana-ey.
I have 1.5 skeins of this yarn left over (I originally bought the last 3 the store had when it was discontinued). Does anyone want/need them to finish a project or anything? I'd be happy to trade for something else. It's 50% cotton, 50% acrylic. The yardage is 207 yards per skein, and this is about 1.5 skeins. It knits up roughly to a worsted weight gauge (again, depending on the knitter).
***
There were a couple questions about patterns from my last post about sewing. The curtain was made from the Roommates Sunny Outlook pattern (#0054), by Donna Babylon and Victoria Waller. The website on the pattern is www.MoreSplashThanCash.com.
The quilt and pillow were made from Michelle's Designs Chantilly Lace Ensemble, by Michelle Griffith. The website for her designs is www.michelles-designs.com. I would warn you that it is a pattern designed for machine embroidery (mine was modified to use focus fabrics instead) and there are a couple of errors in it that are easily fixable if you use your brain and measure everything carefully before cutting. Also, it is way expensive because it includes a CD of embroidery designs.
added later: Someone also asked about the pattern I used to make the pumpkin hat - it is by Ann Norling, and I got it at my local yarn shop. Chances are good that if you go into a yarn shop and say you want to make a fruit hat, they will point you in the direction of the Ann Norling pattern!
Well, that's enough yakking - Daughter is out like a light and I have sewing to do.
Sorry this blog is looking rather odd today as to font, duplicate posting, etc. It's not my fault - Blogger is being impudent. I absolutely cannot get the fonts fixed on that last post.
Finally! Here's the sewing I've been working on. Neat projects, really bad photos. I am blaming that on the light being wrong - it's really bright outside so everything looks all washed out.
Quilt top and pillow - your eyes do not deceive you, those are ruffles. The pattern calls for gathered strips to be incorporated into both the quilt and the pillow, and they have been the bane of my existence for lo these many days...I mean really, do you know how hard it is to maintain precise 1/4" seams with a big ol' ruffle?? IT'S REALLY HARD. Other than that, these were no biggie. Simple piecing, easy peasy.
Coordinating window treatment - please imagine this hanging in a window rather than chucked on my family room floor. It is supposed to be anchored to decorative "medallions" by the ties, and of course it would require some zhoozhing* to hang properly. Essentially they are 2 giant rectangles of fabric that are sewn together with fabric ties inserted at each end, but on opposite sides of the rectangles - that way when it is hung, you tie up one side, then pull up the other tie and get the twist. Like magic!
There are 2 of these to go with the quilt and pillow. And I am so happy they are DONE!! Now I will get some money** to buy Christmas presents, hooray!
That's not where the work ends, however. I also have 2 oak leaf applique wallhangings to make for the shop but I think I deserve a break to work on personal projects. I have denim for a little fall jumper for Daughter, and some baby gift stuff to complete. There will also be knitting to show very soon, as I've been working on a cotton cardigan for Daughter. Knitting with the cotton hurts my hands and wrists, though, so it's slow going. Stay tuned.
And just because she's so darned cute, here's a photo of Daughter from our trip to the park this morning:
*You know, zhoozh. Like how the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy people adjust sleeves and stuff, to make them look right.
**For those who don't know, I used to work at a Bernina dealership/quilt shop, and now I sew store and class samples at home.
I'm so glad you all love Mr. Rogers as much as we do. Did you watch him today? I was wondering the whole time if that yellow cable sweater he was wearing was knit by his mother. She knitted a sweater a month, apparently. Here is a great bio if you want to read more about Mr. Rogers.
Well, I definitely do not knit a sweater a month, but I have been makin' stuff.
Ann Norling "fruit" hat pattern - pumpkin hat for Daughter.
Yarn: leftovers, yeah! Most of a skein of Knitpicks Wool of the Andes in carrot, and leftover WotA in Fern from Daughter's Secret Garden sweater. I think these are really good pumpkin colors (despite one being called carrot).
I think it goes nicely with the purple blanket sleeper, don't you?
I was going to share some sewing progress today but I'm almost done with one of the projects (a pillow) that completes the quilt/pillow/window treatment combo, so I will wait until tomorrow.
I'm so glad you liked those blogs I wrote about the other day. Their lives look so pretty, don't you think? It's like reading Better Homes & Gardens magazine. You know there are dirty dishes in the sink and bills stacked up on the counters, but they hide it well, don't they?
On my own home front, we're officially into that early fall weather pattern where it's 70 during the day but in the 40s at night. It occurred to me yesterday that all of Daughter's hats from last year will most likely be too small to fit her this winter. So of course, I had to rectify the situation.
There she goes...
Well, that's a little better...
Sorry, neither of those is remotely clear. The child does not stop moving long enough to get a photo these days. We spent so much time encouraging her to walk and now we can't get her to sit down.
Anyway, it's a basic hat, knitted in the round. The specs:
Yarn: Sensations Bellezza Collection "Tesoro" in cream (100% wool), 1 ball + a few yards of another ball
Needles: US 7 circular and dpns
Pattern: My own - cast on 88 stitches, join, knit. I decreased based on how it looked on her head. Nothing too sophisticated about it.
I still have to weave the ends in, but she won't take it off. I can't blame her - this is some of the softest yarn I've ever worked with.
I call it the Mr. Rogers hat because I cast on yesterday during Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, and finished today while watching it again. Yes, I am a fool for nostalgia and I make my kid watch Mr. Rogers with me on a daily basis. I love that man.
I've been sewing like a nut (paid projects) and will be back to show you all of it in a few days. Have a nice weekend!
...it's such a good feeling, to know you're alive
it's such a happy feeling, you're growing inside
and when you wake up ready to say, "I think I'll make a snappy new day"
it's such a good feeling, a very good feeling, the feeling you know
that I'll be back, when the day is new
and I'll have more ideas for you
and you'll have things you'll want to talk about
I will too...
Well. I feel awfully naked after that last one. I don't even have an appropriate response to the kind comments and emails I've received, so I won't try. I just thank you for reading it and sharing in my experience. It wasn't my intention to upset anyone - I know there are people who have gone through the same or a similar experience. And I know the tone I used might not reverberate with everybody out there. But it's how I have to speak (or write) about it to get the words out. In fact, I find that blunt honesty is my best way to communicate my feelings these days. Once people hear what happened, they feel really bad and also awkward, because they don't know what to say or how to express their feelings toward me and my family. So when they ask how I feel I just tell them. I say, "it sucks...it's the worst." And people visibly relax, because there it is. It sucks, they know it, I know it, we all know it.
I don't know what else to say about it right now, and I don't really feel it's appropriate to launch into yapping about my projects after what I've just said, so instead I'd like to give you something else that's nice to read and look at. I love these girls because they calm me and inspire me. Their blogs are well written, filled with joy and heartache (but mostly joy) and the photography is stunning.
Knitting Iris - fantastic photos. She blows my mind every day with what she sees through the lens. She also does beautiful knitting and crafts with her adorable kids.
Soule Mama - if you don't read her, you totally should. She captures the best pictures and stories about her three beautiful children, and her crafting is wild.
Wee Wonderfuls - I just came upon this a week or so ago. Beautiful everything at this site. It knocks me out and makes me want to craft till my fingers fall off.
Posie Gets Cozy - just go there and look. Amazing. Inspiring. Beautiful.
Hook & Needles - If you sew, this blog will wow you.
Yarnstorm - again with the beautiful photos. Jane knits and quilts and bakes and paints her house in fantastic colors. She also keeps hens in her garden. I think that's neat.
Please note these are just a few of the bazillion blogs I read each day. There are many, many more and they are all wonderful, but these really stand out for me and reading them has helped brighten my days in the last few weeks. If you don't already visit them, you might want to.
Interestingly, these are not the people who "know" me. I figure all you sweet people who come here and comment have probably already checked each other out. You know who you are and you know that I read you. The links above are outside my "circle" of blog "friends," if you know what I mean. I just lurk around them because I like what they make and do.
I'm off to the sewing machine. Lots to do.
Well, since you all have pretty much given me permission to say what I want, I guess I will.***
This week I would have been 36 weeks pregnant. I know this because I wrote the week count in my datebook on every Wednesday, stopping at 38 weeks. Daughter was born at 38 weeks, so I thought it reasonable that this child might come early as well. The October page still has "due date" written in, and "BABY!" written across the top. What do you do with that sort of thing? Cross it out? That doesn't seem right. So I've left it alone, and maybe I just won't look at my datebook for the month of October.
At this point, 4 weeks before my due date, I was planning to pack my bag. Again, because our first child was early, and also because one of the side effects of the medication I took during the first 5 months of the pregnancy is pre-term labor. I figured I should be ready, just in case.
***
During what was to become the final week of my pregnancy, I thought it seemed the baby was moving less. Yes, really, this is not just a hindsight thing, I really thought it. But I figured, no way, everything is fine, we've made it through so much already...my little trooper and I were just fine. I was having what I now understand were early contractions, which made me keep thinking she was moving in there. I'd feel a lump under my ribs and assume it was her little foot, or hand, or head. It was, but not because of a kick or a movement. Just a contraction moving my body around hers.
For some reason, all that week, I pestered my husband to take Friday and Monday off. I thought a long weekend would be fun, and the weather was supposed to be fantastic. I wanted him to go to the doctor with me, and then we could have some family bonding time.
Friday, August 11, was a beautiful day. We got snagged in some construction - and there was also an accident right in the construction zone - so we were a little late to my 10:45 appointment. I apologized to the nurse who took me in, and we chatted about dumb stuff. She asked me for a urine sample, weighed me, took my blood pressure. She asked about the baby's movement. I explained that I thought she was moving a little less, and more deliberately, probably due to her size. She must be getting bigger, I said, at 31 weeks it must be getting tight in there. She agreed and took me to a room, and brought my husband and daughter in.
The doctor came in and asked how I was feeling. We chatted, and bantered about guessing the weight of the baby. I seemed bigger this time, I said, so how big did he think the baby would be? Haha, we laughed, and he squirted that goop on the heartbeat monitor. I laid back, and he started to listen for her heartbeat. Hmmmm. Couldn't find it. We were still in good humor. Where was she hiding? Let's try higher. Now lower. Maybe over here. The doctor felt my belly to figure out where the baby was positioned. When he turned the monitor back on we heard a fast heartbeat - but it was mine. My pulse was through the roof because suddenly, I knew things were very bad. The doctor said, ok, let's get you over in the sonogram room. We'll check things out.
We had to go hang in the waiting room until the sonogram machine was available. There were 3 other pregnant women sitting out there.
A few minutes later we were called in. There were 2 nurses in the room with the doctor. What?
I laid down again. He squirted the stuff, turned on the machine. I felt sick. I knew.
"I'm sorry," he said.
***
If you are me, here is how it goes from that point:
You stagger from the doctor's office in disbelief. Your baby is dead. It is all you can think as you try to walk. You have been told to go straight to the hospital, where labor will be induced. You cannot believe you have to go through labor and delivery now. NOW. RIGHT NOW.
You call your parents, who are at that moment driving from Chicago to Des Moines for a wedding. You have cursed cell phones in the past, but are so thankful for them at that moment. You half-sob, half-scream the news to your mom, who for one horrifying moment thinks you are telling her you are having the baby right now, and then finally understands that's not quite the case. No mom, no. There is no more baby. The baby died. Please come home.
You drop off your daughter at your in-laws and head downtown. Somehow, your husband is driving, crying, and trying to comfort you at the same time. You arrive at the hospital, and stagger in, red-faced, crying, shaking. It is broad daylight and people are everywhere. You don't care, and vaguely realize this must be what "being in shock" feels like.
The hospital staff is expecting you. They have you sign 2 forms and quickly usher you to room 6, at the end of the hallway. You think things will happen right away. You are wrong.
Everyone is so gentle with you. The nurses get you set up with a gown and help you into bed. You are sobbing uncontrollably.
A resident comes in to do a scan, just to confirm. Maybe there is a mistake! You know there is not, but you hope for a few minutes. He squirts the stuff, turns on the machine. No, there is no mistake.
"I'm sorry," he says.
For the next 5 hours you are visited by many well-meaning people. You wish they would all go away and just let the doctors get the induction started already. First the nurse assigned to you sits with you and s l o w l y goes over everything that will happen. They will give you a suppository that makes the cervix dilate. You will wait 4-6 hours, and they will check your progress. Some people need one dose, some need up to four. It could take up to 20 hours for things to get going. Then maybe you will need pitocin to make your uterus contract. We'll see.
The nurse tells you all this, then leaves you alone to be with your thoughts.
You are visited by the hospital chaplain, with whom you sit in a lot of uncomfortable silence. He prays with you and for you, and assures you that the baby can - and will - be baptized right there at the hospital.
You are visited by a bereavement nurse. She is so kind it makes you cry even harder. She explains what will happen again, and you want to tell her that quite frankly, you understand. You just want to get it over with now. But she is so gentle and sweet that you just cry and nod as she talks. She explains the bereavement program and brings you literature. She also brings in several lovely handpainted boxes for you to choose from, to hold your memories. Then she presents you with a choice of burial gowns and bonnets, booties and blankets. From these you are invited to choose the first and last outfit your baby will ever wear.
Everyone keeps asking if you have a name picked out for the baby. You make the decision you'd been waiting to make until you saw her, and suddenly she is named.
Your original nurse comes back in and apologetically asks you to sign paperwork authorizing an autopsy. She asks you about burial. Burial? Oh sweet Jesus. Burial??
Throughout this, your husband sits by your side and hands you tissues. He is in shock too. He fields the phone calls from your parents as they try desperately to get from the middle of the highway in Iowa to an airplane that will bring them home.
Finally, 5 hours after your arrival, a resident comes in to give you the medication that will make everything happen. You are then hooked up to that uncomfortable contraction monitor around the belly. You notice the silence. There are supposed to be 2 belts, one for contractions and one for the baby's heartbeat. You wear only one.
To everyone's surprise but your own, contractions start in earnest. You understand this is because your baby has been dead for days, and your body knew it. Fast forward several hours, and your body is doing everything on its own after only one dose of medication...it knows what to do.
You are given an epidural quite early. There is no reason not to have it. The doctor who gives it to you really stinks at it and it hurts. He gives you way too much and your chest becomes numb. You shake uncontrollably and struggle for air. You vomit, but can't really control the sensations that make you vomit because you are numb almost to the neck. The epidural is turned down and you can breathe again. They give you more fluids and you stop feeling nauseous.
You start to think that this really must be a nightmare. It cannot really be happening.
Your parents arrive. It is the middle of the night and everyone is exhausted. You, your husband, and your parents all try to sleep a little while you wait. A resident comes in to check you. 4 centimeters. This is taking forever. You are so sad you think you might just die. For real.
Within moments of this last check, your body apparently goes into overdrive. You feel a popping sensation and pain. You holler, and tell your husband to get someone. The resident and your overnight nurse come in and discover you are delivering your baby. Your parents leave the room, and a bevy of nurses come in. You are scared and crying uncontrollably. Your husband holds your hand and tries to get you to look at his face, but you can't. You just keep crying, "no, no, no" as your tiny, tiny baby slips from your body. It is 3:30 a.m. The nurse says, "your baby is here." You say, "no...now it has to be real. Now it has to be real."
Your baby is cleaned off and brought to you, wrapped in a blanket, wearing a hat. She is so perfect and so beautiful that for a moment you forget she is not alive. You will her to breathe as your tears fall onto her tiny face. She has one eye open and you know it is so she can see you, so she can get a good look at her mama. No, she is not breathing, she is not alive, but it isn't creepy and it isn't weird. She is your baby. That's all there is.
You kiss her over and over, and tell her all about the life she would have had. You tell her about her big sister, her grandmas and grandpas, her aunts and uncles. You tell her how much you love her, again and again, so she will know. The nurses are crying. Your parents come in and see her. They sob and sob. You realize you are sweating, soaking wet under your hospital gown, where you are clutching her tiny body.
You don't know how long you sit there with her. You are told you can have all the time you need. But how much time is enough time? You need her forever.
Finally, you hand her to the nurse. She gently, carefully unwraps your precious baby and places her on the scale. She speaks to her softly, lovingly. You notice and are so thankful.
They take the baby away and your parents go home. You and your husband fall into fitful sleep. Finally, he goes home to try and get some rest, and you sleep a little too.
When you wake up the sun is shining, the room is bright. You look around you in numb disbelief. The monitors are off, the IV is disconnected. It's over.
***
The day after, the baby is brought back and she is baptized. You sit in your bed wearing a hospital gown, holding your sweet child. Your husband is there next to you. A nurse and hospital chaplain are there. If you are me, your dad is there too. When it is finished, you kiss her one last time, tell her how much you love her, and then she is gone.
You go home. The nurse wheels you out in a wheelchair. You have a pretty box on your lap that holds baby clothes - to be given to the funeral home so they can dress the baby - and a set of footprints. The last thing you hear as you are wheeled down the hall is the sound of mothers in labor behind the other closed doors.
***
Your milk comes in. It hurts. A lot.
There is no relief. You just have to wait for it to go away.
***
The funeral is on Tuesday. You get up, get dressed, bathe your child, dress her, and get in the car. You drive to the church and see all the people standing outside, all family and friends. You don't want to talk to any of them. Your husband parks the car and you practically run into the church, alone, and stand sobbing over the tiny white casket. Later you find out all your husband's co-workers were already sitting in the church. Oops.
The mass is beautiful. The priest, the man who married you and baptized your first child, performs the service with tears in his eyes. He clutches a handkerchief and speaks from his heart. You are so grateful to him for this.
At the cemetary your mom has to practically lift you out of the car, because your baby is in a little box and your brain will not accept that. You make it to the side of the grave and stare at the casket as the prayers are said. Then you rise, turn, and walk away, leaving part of yourself behind.
***
When you give birth to a stillborn child, it is like someone walks up to you, rips your heart out, stomps all over it, shoves it back in, and says, "there you go. Carry on." At first you just stand there, shocked, not believing it could happen to you. But sooner or later the pain starts seeping from your heart to the rest of your body and mind. It is pain like you've never known.
Is there medicine for this pain? Sure. But it's not something someone can prescribe for you. It doesn't come off a shelf. The only way to get it is to make it yourself, from the things in your life.
For me, the "medicine" is made up of the people and things and activities that I love. A huge part of me is missing, and I have to make it up, rebuild it. I don't know what I would do without Daughter, who knew something was amiss and offered up a million kisses in the days following the funeral. She took off walking on the 17th, and I felt such joy at her accomplishment - more joy than I might have felt otherwise, because my heart needed to feel happiness so very badly. And my husband, with whom I disagree on a somewhat regular basis, and who doesn't mow the lawn as often as I think he should, and who tends to make a mess in the bathroom right after I clean it...well, I thank God for him too, because he is the kindest man I have ever known. His love and support were (and are) the biggest part of my healing process. We mourn together, and we find hope together.
And though it sounds dorky, I knit and I sew to help me heal as well. Actually, I guess it doesn't sound dorky. It's just another form of therapy. I have been doing both for over 20 years, and it feels normal and right to sit at the sewing machine or to have knitting needles in my hands. Making stuff is a part of who I am. Why else would my daughter, at barely 17 months, know exactly what to do with knitting needles?
In the first few days I couldn't knit, couldn't concentrate on a pattern, couldn't make my hands work together. Of course, I could barely sit up straight and really couldn't even speak without starting to cry, so I probably expected too much of myself if I thought I could knit. At first this scared me, because I thought, it's second nature to me...what do I do if I can't even do this? But it slowly came back to me, and the result is what probably looked like a frenzy to all of you, but really was just a report on all I'd been doing over several weeks.
So. I don't know what else to say. I hesitate to push "publish" on this one because it is DEEPLY personal and was so hard to write. You should see the pile of tissues here on the couch next to me. But I have spoken (written?) my heart, and there you have it.
Thanks for the nice comments about my cutie-patootie child. Yes, I predict she will be knitting as soon as we can make her understand that the pointy ends don't go in your eyes...or anywhere near the face for that matter. Also, yes, she is getting big. So big. She is turning into a real "kid" now and leaving babyhood behind.
Some of you have also commented and emailed checking on me and my emotional state. Welp, this is a tough week. All the stuff on tv about 9/11 is so sad, and of course Tuesday marked one month since baby Beth was born. That's hard...very hard. I also finally spoke to a bereavement nurse from the hospital (they have called several times to check on us and I keep missing the calls), and she told me the baby's photos and plaster foot impressions are in. So in a couple weeks we are going to get those. That will be tough too. Nothing about this situation is easy, but please know I am doing ok. Not great, but ok. Your comments, emails, and prayers are still (and always) appreciated. It is so comforting to know that people are thinking of us.
My old boss came through with work for me, and I am now buried under a mountain of sewing. Not that I mind - it keeps me quite busy and will result in a nice paycheck.
I do have lots of thoughts rattling around in my head, but don't want to constantly hit all you nice people with a barrage of sad/bitter/unpleasant stuff. You've been so nice and I don't want to wear out my welcome. I'll probably be away for a few more days what with all the work I have to do, so that will give me time to gather myself together and return with something that makes sense.
I hope I can get this scarf done before the weather turns cold.
Just one more row before breakfast, ok Mom?
*disclaimer: no, I do not usually let my child play with knitting needles. please do not call cps.
World's most beautiful child.
Wearing world's ugliest necktie.
This cold is kicking my butt. I'm pretty sure I haven't been sick since Daughter was born, and apparently there is a virus exacting sweet, sweet revenge on my body. It's really putting me in quite a mood (see: yesterday).
I'm kind of dragging myself around, but mustered up enough energy to finish some projects.
The wee baby dress is done.
The back.
Closeup of the back. The knitting looks all crookedy here, but in real life it is not.
Specs:
Pattern: Leisure Arts "Special Baby Outfits" leaflet #2329
Yarn: Stylecraft WonderSoft Baby 4 Ply
Needles: US sizes 2 and 3
Mods: I had to hand sew twill tape into the hem part of the dress because it was curling up quite badly. It still doesn't lay as flat as I would like, but I suppose it will do. It will be packed away for quite some time anyway, so it will have time to flatten out.
Wee flannel pants. These are so flipping adorable I want to eat them. The pink ones were finished over the weekend so Daughter has already worn them. She really has enough winter clothes for this year, but I want to make more of these - they are so ridiculously easy and fast. I think they each took 45 minutes start to finish. And at 5/8 yard they are CHEAP! I love thriftiness, especially for kid clothes that are just going to get beat up anyway.
Specs:
Pattern: New Look "easy" #6175
Fabric: Flannel from Joann Fabrics
Mods: None, really. I made the largest size but put in a deep hem because my kid is petite. I probably could have gotten away with the medium. Also, I serged the heck out of every raw edge because this is cheap flannel and it frays a lot.
As I mentioned the other day, I have another 5/8 yard (at least) of the pink flannel left. If you want it, email me and let me know. I can send you a better picture if you'd like.
Methinks the wee child has awakened from her nap. Guess crafting/blogging time is over for today.
It was sort of a rough weekend. Hub and Daughter were fighting colds, so no one was in a particularly good mood. It was also rainy and gray outside so that didn't help. Now I have the cold and they are getting better.
My emotions have been running high (or low, depending on how you look at it), and I found myself crying in bed for the past few nights. I feel so...untethered, I guess. Like I'm casting about for something to hold onto, to cement me to the everyday. It's an uncomfortable feeling, this flailing around. I guess that's why I am crafting like a maniac. It's not so I can't grieve, because believe me, I am doing that. I spend more time than I've admitted just lying in a crumpled, sniveling heap on my bed with a pile of tissues beside me. I cry in the shower, in the car at red lights, in the parking lot at Target, even right here in front of the computer screen. I try to keep it from Daughter because it freaks her out to see me in tears. Anyway, I create with my hands so there is concrete evidence of time passing. So I can look at the stuff I've made and say, oh yes, I remember. That's what I did for the past X hours, days, weeks. I've started a daily 'Journal of Daughter' as well, for the same reasons. I need to write down all the things we do each day so I will remember the positive things that are happening even while I am so sad.
I sort of knew it would happen, but it still burns me a little how everyone else can just kind of let this drift out of their minds. Everyone else can go on with their lives and pretty much forget what has happened. But I can't. I never, ever will be able to just forget and go on with my life as if there was never a baby Elizabeth.
I find myself thanking God for Daughter about ten thousand times a day. Here are a couple reasons why:
One of these things is not like the other...one of these things just doesn't belong...
Do you see it?
Let's see...Beaker, coupla' Eeyores, dolly, blanket...wait. What's that?
Yep, that's the 2 skeins of sock yarn I blogged about the other day. Daughter has been hauling them around all afternoon, and I guess she thought they might like to rest in the crib with her stuffies. Cracked me up when I found them.
Also, I don't know if you're all aware of this, but oven mitts are on ALL the runways this fall. This is the stained floral version from that most famous house of fashion, Tar-zhay, being modeled by my wee child. She found this and wore it around all yesterday afternoon. I laughed and laughed. And took photos to embarrass her when she is older.
We went to the beach this morning with some friends. They are charter members of the Early Risers Club, and we are so not, but we still managed to meet them at about 9:00. The cool thing about a beach at 9:00 am on a not-so-warm day? NOBODY THERE. I have never seen a completely deserted beach in my life. It was pretty awesome. Very peaceful.
So those are the little joys in my life today. Unfortunately Hub and Daughter seem to have colds right now, so I spent a lot of today chasing my poor kid around with a tissue. This is her first cold, believe it or not. Over 16 months with no illness! And it's going to pour rain all weekend and only be 60 degrees...since they're both sick it sounds like excellent family bonding/sleeping in/napping/crafting time to me. I think I'll spend tomorrow in my pajamas.
Gotta run - since none of you showed up with any casseroles this week* I have to make some dinner.
*haha, no, I didn't really expect anyone to bring me a casserole.
I love you ladies. I mean it. You are wise and wonderful, and your comments push, pull, and drag me through my days. Would any of you consider moving to the Western New York area? How about just a visit? I will make tea! I have coffee cake! Come on. I could use a real live shoulder. And bring a casserole or something, would you please? I haven't felt up to cooking much lately.
Here is an interesting thing - it is simply astounding how much you can accomplish when you live in fear of being bored. I make a big to-do list and I actually do it. It's really the only way to keep myself sane. I must have busy hands. Even going places or visiting people is a sub-par method because when I drive I can't do anything else, and no matter how loud I crank the radio it doesn't drown out the movie playing in my head. So...
Floors? Mopped.
Bathtub? Scrubbed.Laundry? Done.
Ironing? Yes, even the ironing is done.
I have lots of thank-you notes to write to all the people who have done kind things for us over the past couple of weeks, but I can't do more than one or two at a time. It makes me cry. So I've been blowing that off in favor of creative endeavors. I have been on a huge finishing kick. Somehow my grief has created in me a need to get stuff done that's been sitting around. I want to flush out the project pipeline and start fresh. To wit:
The donations I made for the Dulaan project. In February. I have finally woven in all the ends on the 4 hats and 4 pairs of mittens, and they are going in the mail this week. I'm rather ashamed to say I missed the deadline for this winter, but hopefully they will be put to use next year.
Sundress and bloomers for Daughter. These were stitched up sometime in early July, I think, but were just waiting for hand finishing on the shoulder straps and bloomer legs. This is now done and has even been worn. It's the last of the summer sewing projects for this year.
Cotton blend socks I started in...are you ready? 2003, I think. I don't like knitting with cotton (I think it's Sockotta or something like that) so these got shoved in a bag and left to languish for several years. One was done, one was started. Now they are both done and off my list.
Boring brown socks. Knitpicks Essential yarn, in the fawn colorway (I think...I really need to start saving my yarn labels and putting them in my project bags). These were started in the winter but as you can see they are BORING. So they got shoved aside for more interesting projects. Again, one was done. I whizzed through the second last week. Done and done. In the drawer for when I need plain old tan socks. Bleh.
Yes. Baby dress. This was, of course, intended for baby Beth. It's blocked and I will sew it up today or tomorrow. I have dainty purple buttons for the back. It will be washed and carefully packed away for "someday," whether that is the next couple of years for me, or 25-30 years when Daughter has her own children. Either way, it will be completed with all my love and in memory of my sweet girl.
Flannel pants for Daughter, cut and ready to sew. I bought enough of the pink for 2 pairs - they were going to be little matchy-matchy outfits. If anyone wants 5/8 yard of it, email me or leave a comment. It's washed and pressed and you can have it.
And finally, something bright and reminiscent of the fall leaves which are already starting to fall off my trees:
This is some Knitpicks Sock Garden in the zinnia colorway. This photo does not come close to doing it justice - the colors positively scream at you in real life. I got this for my birthday (back in January) and want to do something with it before the next birthday rolls around. Plus I think the bright colors might cheer me. I am thinking footie socks for me and nice warm socks for Daughter. There should be plenty of yarn for both pairs. I have also completed a quilted wallhanging (sewed a hanging sleeve on it, cut the dowel and hung the silly thing after it sat folded in a closet for 3 years), a baby sweater that you cannot see yet because it's a surprise, and most of my Kinsale sweater which I blogged about finishing a billion years ago. One more pattern repeat on the second sleeve, a few seams, and a good wash 'n block to go, and I will be modeling it for you. Also, I fully intend to finish Beth's baby quilt. We have her handprints and footprints on a card, which I am thinking of scanning and incorporating into the quilt label. The quilt will be hung either in Daughter's room or perhaps somewhere more prominent so we can see it every day and think of her.
Well, I hope that was a more interesting and non-depressing post. I want you to know how much I appreciate those of you who continue to check in and leave me such kind words. I am not kidding when I say I rely on your comments to get me through the day - I go back and read them over and over. I don't want to throw around the word 'depression' because that is a serious disease and I don't wish to offend anyone who legitimately suffers from it...and I don't think I am actually depressed (though I am monitoring myself, and my family is monitoring me as well, for signs of PPD). I think I am merely suffering from extreme sadness. But I do have ups and downs, manic days and very 'down' days (can you guess what today is? my goodness...), and the blog will probably reflect that. It's going to be a roller coaster around here for quite some time, I imagine. Thanks for bearing with me.
Hi.
This is my 200th post. I wish it were more exciting and celebration-like.
I'm really, really sad. And tired. And tired of being sad. It has been 2 weeks now, which amazes me. Where have the days gone? I know I get up every day and I know I function for the sake of my family, but I'm not 100% 'there' at all.
I know that when I weep it is for myself and my husband and all our family members who will not get to spend a lifetime with our baby. I know that she is in heaven and never suffered, never will suffer, and has beautiful, perfect, eternal life. I know that we will see her again when it is our time. And I am endlessly grateful that the decision was made for us...we did not have to stand over a NICU bassinet and watch our baby struggle for life, or make any horrible decisions about life support.
But oh, how I long to have her here with us. How I wish I could cradle her soft body in my arms, and feel her tiny heart flutter. I dream of her newborn smell, and the feel of her soft fuzzy head against my cheek. When I found out I was pregnant again we knew our lives were about to change pretty radically. So we immediately started making plans. This sweet baby was already so loved, and we wanted her so badly. I had so many thoughts and ideas and plans. Now our lives have changed again, and our plans have suddenly changed as well.
And I don't like it. I don't want it to be true. I hate that this has now become part of the story of my life. I don't know how to be this woman. I don't even know how to write about it. It is such a deeply personal thing and words just fail me.
I know that what happened to me and my family is right, because it is God's plan. It isn't for us to understand. But I don't have to like it.
*Edited version*
Mom dragged us out of the house to take a harbor tour since it was a totally beautiful day. Here's a shot of lovely Buffalo. Note city hall is wrapped in scaffolding and netting. I guess it's getting new mortar or something.
By the way, in the last week Daughter has totally learned to walk. It has proved to be both excellent entertainment and pretty good distraction from sad thoughts. I can honestly say that Daughter is the glue holding my fragile self together these days, and I thank God for her every morning as I lay in bed listening to her yell "UP!"
Also, the doctor called and so far all test results have been negative for any abnormalities with my pregnancy. Very frustrating indeed.
We went to church this morning and there was a baby being baptized and a newborn right behind me and oh dear Lord in Heaven give me strength to get through this.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for all the kind, loving, prayerful comments.
We laid our sweet Beth to rest yesterday. It was so beautiful, and yet so sad. We are struggling to find peace.
I will be back. I'm not sure if that will be in a week or a month or what. I'm not sure what I'll even be writing about as our lives have changed so much in the past few days. I hope that some of you will keep me in mind and check back in.
For now I just want to say that if you are looking for a wonderful cause, especially if you sew or knit, I suggest contributing to your local hospital's bereavement program (they also accept monetary donations). They provide counseling, real tissues to replace the cruddy hospital ones, a handpainted memory box for the baby's things, and in our case a stunning handmade burial gown and bonnet, knitted booties, hat, and blanket. We have asked our family and friends to donate to our hospital's program in lieu of sending flowers, and as soon as I can pull it together I will be knitting up some booties and hats in the hope that they will bring some comfort to another grieving mother.
Again, thank you so much for all the wonderful thoughts and prayers.
Our precious baby girl, Elizabeth Ellen, was called home to be with Jesus this morning. For reasons we do not know (and may never know), her little heart stopped beating sometime during week 31. She was born this morning at 3:30, weighed 2 lbs., 6.8 oz., and is absolutely beautiful. Obviously we are sick with grief. You have all been so supportive over the last 7 months, and once again I ask for your prayers as we struggle to understand God's plan for our family.
