it smells like vanilla barf

So far we have had a pretty nice day. Some friends came by for a quick playdate this morning, then mom stopped by after lunch so we could give her a little birthday present (she is 60 today! wow!), and now Daughter is painting while I scurry around tidying up.

But dammit, if my son's feeding tubes come apart in his crib ONE MORE TIME, you will hear me screaming wherever you are.

seeking peace (oh, and an F.O.!)

Thanks for all the kind words yesterday and today.

I guess what I am looking for in my life is some serenity. These other moms I read about in blogville seem to have the market cornered on serenity. That's really the best word I can think of to describe the feeling I get from these inspirational women...they and their children just appear to be so...serene.

I'll likely have a little more to say on that subject in the near future, as I've been perusing two books - "The Children's Year" and "Festivals, Family and Food" - and ruminating on what they say. I bought "The Children's Year" over the summer and have been slowly looking through it when I have a minute, and just got "F, F and F" from the library but I am heading over to Amazon after I finish this entry to buy my own copy. It is awesome. I think I'll also pick up "All Year Round" as these three books seem to go hand-in-hand. I just can't believe all the great, beautiful ideas they contain, from recipes to crafts, from songs and verses to clothing patterns, from fables and stories to directions for making household items we use often.

Today was a better day than yesterday...but I let Daughter lay around on the couch and watch two videos after lunch while AJ took his nap. Yeah, that's an ok thing to do, but not everyday. At least not for me, that's not what I want for my family all the time. So I am searching, searching, searching to find rhythm for our days that makes sense and makes us happy...something to help us find that elusive serenity.

I'm also going to do the very simple step of investing in some more storage for our toys and whatnot. Perhaps if it is better contained, and somewhat hidden away when not in use, then I will not feel so surrounded by it all the time. I'm also going to go through with Goodwill/trash bags and purge some stuff, Hubs' opinion be damned. I don't care if he does think I'm a cruel Scrooge. I'm the one who does the most battle with small plastic parts around here.

Also helping me feel some inner peace today are: the chicken soup simmering on the stove (smells divine), and Daughter's finished vest:



Loosely based on the baby vest pattern in "Knits, Knots, Buttons and Bows" just for rough measurements/stitch counts, but liberally adapted to suit my needs (such as knitting in the round...I hate seaming).



I made the ribbing into seed stitch because I think it's more feminine. I also used seed stitch around the armholes and neck, but need to steam it because it keeps curling in. She was so excited to wear it, she took it from me as soon as the last end was woven in.



I'm flattered that she likes it so much. She has even declared that she will wear it tomorrow as well "because it's not even dirty!"

I used about 1.5 skeins of Patons Classic Merino in woodrose heather, on US 7 needles. Next up (and cast on while Daughter watched Tinkerbell today), AJ's vest. I hope to have it done for him to wear on Thanskgiving.

bad mommy

I'm in the middle of a Bad Day.

I think it started when Daughter burst out of bed with even more than her usual verve...oh wait, no, it actually started when AJ found Daughter's little guitar leaning up against the couch where she left it last night, and then did a face plant when he tried to use it for a walking support. I had my back turned (OF COURSE) so I did not see the actual fall, just the bleeding chin and goose-egged forehead that followed. THEN Daughter came flying to see what the hubbub was about. And was snotty with me when I asked her to head back upstairs to change out of her pull-up. ("Mom, I just came down here. Do you really think I want to go back upstairs?")

Then, while we were having breakfast, we noticed we did not hear the shower, and discovered that Hubs was still snoring right through his alarm. Daughter went up to goose him, and once he got himself ready for work it somehow became my fault that he was running late. ("Why did you guys let me oversleep?") Excuse me, grown man, but your alarm has been going off for 2 hours...I already have 2 children to care for in the morning, I am not taking on wake-up duty for the other adult in the household.

Then we somehow ended up running late ourselves, for a library Thanksgiving event at 10:30. On the way out the door Daughter managed to step on AJ's fingers. I spent what felt like an inordinate amount of time bundling everyone into their warm outerwear, only to have them rip most of it off the second the car started. Got to the library just at 10:30 and had to do that inelegant dance of rebundling the children and stuffing the small one into the stroller while making sure the big one didn't get hit by a car.

During the event the adorable wee girl sitting next to Daughter kept coming out with this horrible, deep, wet chest cough. Great.

And is there a full moon? Because I've never experienced such poorly behaved children in my life. Kids were literally doing somersaults and skipping around the room while their parents mooned at the ceiling or wrangled their smaller kids. In what was perhaps my best moment of the day, I noted that both my children were behaving beautifully. However, I did feel slight annoyance that the woman leading the event chose to read a Dora book and a Clifford book, which were both only loosely about Thanksgiving. Dora the explorer? I would think we would hear a story about Pilgrims and Indians. I realize it's not PC, but it is the whole basis of the holiday, no?

Got in line to check out our books afterwards, then moved off to the side to get bundled up again. A dad from the storytime event said, "you in line?" And I said, "oh, I'm sorry, no!" and moved over a bit more. And then he said, "PHHHT! I've been standing here behind you!" Whoops, I guess it's my fault that you're an idiot, dude.

And then we came home, and while Daughter ate lunch AJ really did not, and instead cried and cried. And I just got angry. I got more and more irritated and angry trying to get him to eat, and he was smearing baby food all over his face and in his hair, and I was just so mad about it. Finally I gave up, washed him off, and put him in his seat for the stupid tube feeding. Then I emptied the dishwasher with a liberal amount of cupboard door slamming and silverware clattering, and started crying halfway through because the day was just sucking so much and it was only 12:30.

In the next 30 minutes I cleaned the entire kitchen, and vacuumed everywhere because, oh joy, we had PT today for AJ. Which he does not even need anymore but I don't know how to get out of it. And she comes at 1:30, which is totally his naptime now that he doesn't sleep in the morning anymore. And today? Today she was almost 15 minutes LATE.

Daughter has been crabbing and whining at me (no surprise, she is totally feeding off my mood) so I finally made her lie down on the couch - she is now sound asleep but I hear the baby fussing upstairs.

The washing machine has decided the spin cycle is for suckers, and I just found a load of diapers sitting in about 4 inches of water (clean rinse water, thankfully), even though the dial says the cycle is complete.

I'm not even looking forward to the holidays because it will just be a month of trying to keep the baby from hurting himself in/on/around/hanging from the Christmas tree. And then more stuff will come into our house, and where am I going to put more stuff?? We have too much stuff as it is. I want to get rid of a bunch of it, but I am accused of being a cruel scrooge when I suggest that perhaps we could donate some old toys and stuffed animals. (Also, as an aside, my MIL dropped off the kids' Christmas outfits last week. If you've been reading here long enough, you know what I really mean when I say I appreciate the thought [even though she bought Daughter a 3T and AJ a 6-9 month size].)

You know, this is totally a 24 hour job, and while men's jobs have generally gotten easier and less physical over the years, women's jobs have not. Sure, we have washing machines and dishwashers, but otherwise? I mean, I don't yet have a self-scrubbing bathroom, do you? I don't have babies that can dress or bathe themselves, or change their own stinky diapers. And while generations ago women were expected to stay home and do their work (with the help of their children as soon as they were big enough, I might add), now we also have to run errands and take our kids to events, and if we demand that they do some chores we're being unreasonable and mean. And I can't just let it go, people, because I have therapists coming into my home several days each week. I'm not going to allow my home to descend into a sloppy mess. I just can't. The rug has to be vacuumed if someone is going to be crawling around on it with my baby. The booster seat and surrounding floor cannot be caked with old food if someone is going to be working there with my baby.

I just don't feel happy and joyful. I feel like a maid. Daughter is becoming mouthy and obstinate, and while it pains me, it doesn't surprise me. Again, she feeds off her examples. I want to be a good mom, I really do. Not just in the general providing food, clean clothes, and shelter kind of way, but the creative, stimulating, fun kind of way. I'm just not sure how to do that when the work seems never to get done. We are so cluttered, and I never want to even get the paints out or play with playdough because oh my gosh, I don't need more mess. Which is a terrible attitude!!! I don't want to have that attitude!

Ugh! This is just such a rotten feeling day.

Ok, ok, dinner is at least in the oven (roast chicken and cheesy potatoes, don't you want to come over? You know you do!) and both children are still asleep. Which bodes poorly for bedtime but whatever. I'm going to sit down and knit a few rows and try to fix my head.

Thanks for 'listening.' I feel a bit better blowing this all out.

why I am not able to blog very much just now

Oh boy. I've got a teething, mobile, wild man on my hands. You guys. AJ has, in the last week, gained the ability to CLIMB THE ENTIRE FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

Yes, that's right. My poor, weak, low-tone baby, who one year ago could not lift his head from the mattress, can now scramble up the entire flight of stairs to our second floor without batting an eye. One day his big sister was sitting a few steps up talking to me, and he wanted to get to her, so he just up and did it.

This kid is AMAZING.

He also took about 3 totally solo steps a few nights ago, but hasn't repeated that feat. He is an absolute tornado of activity every minute he is awake. In fact, he is starting to really dislike having to sit still in his baby seat for feedings, which I am hoping to use to my advantage as he grows and understands more about what is happening. Maybe once he can understand that the choices are to eat food or sit still for 45 minutes, he will come around.

I took both kids for their first H1N1 flu shots today (now praying that was the right choice, of course), and they are both out, so this is precious mommy free time. Which I am going to use to clean the disgusting kitchen floor under the table, and finish laundry, and clean the bathrooms, but I really quickly wanted to post something pretty.



I finished one Christmas stocking for my sis and her husband. It still needs a hanging loop, and a good wash 'n block, but it's done. Yay! This is made from about 1.25 skeins of Wool-Ease in cranberry, on US 7 needles. I wanted to use all wool, but couldn't find the colors locally and did not want to wait for an order to arrive. I needed to get going on the holiday knits. Only what, 6 weeks till Christmas? We've had such unseasonably warm weather it doesn't feel like holiday time at all.

Ok, so now the order of operations is: finish vest for Daughter (almost done), make vest for AJ, make second Christmas stocking, make sweater for baby of Hubs' boss, make ornaments*, make mittens for AJ, make knitted items for Etsy shop (I am dreaming of longies).

*Wee glitch in the holiday gift plans: one of our therapists is Jewish, but because her husband is not, I had thought they put up a Christmas tree. But they do not, they just get Christian holiday treats from their grandparents, but not in their home. ANYWAY, was going to make ornaments and give them with a Starbucks card or something. Can I still do that? I was going to make the wee sweater ornament to hold the gift card. Should I still plan that, and just make it in blue & white instead of traditional Christmas colors?

inVESTment

Wow, I have written lots of dorky blog titles in 4 years of blogging, but that one is a real groaner.

So here's the deal: I have sweaty kids. In the summer my poor son has near constant sweaty wet head, and I change his clothes at least once a day, especially when he is on the move. Daughter prefers to be barefoot all the time, and it is all I can do to get her to at least wear an undershirt when it is cold. In winter, she is at least amenable to wearing socks (most of the time) and AJ seems quite comfy in just a one-piece outfit, or one layer of cotton shirt and a pair of pants.

But I have to knit for them! What's a mom to do? We have an overflowing basket of hats and scarves. The sweaters I am making are sitting on shelves and in drawers, largely unworn. Boo!

I think the answer might be...vests.

I have never liked vests much, for myself. Yeah, I went through a phase in high school when I wore men's suit vests with my grunge clothes, but never sweater vests. But on kids? Kind of cute. And I do believe it's important to keep their core warm, especially as temps dip toward the 30s and 20s (and hopefully not below, but probably).

Here's the other part of the deal: Michael's craft store has my all-time favorite workhorse yarn, Patons Classic Merino, on sale for $2.50 per skein. That is the cheapest I have EVER seen it, and I am dying to just buy and buy it, stocking up on every color I like.



We went yesterday morning. I let Daughter choose two colors for herself (wisteria and woodrose heather), and we chose together for AJ (dark gray mix, and then a striped one with dark gray and cognac heather). This is my kind of retail therapy, people! 4 vests for my kids for $17.50!

Now I just have to find time to make them.

(currently in the queue: red xmas stocking (1/2 done), green xmas stocking, pink baby sweater & hat, mittens for AJ, xmas ornaments for therapist gifts, and now vests...and that does not even count the 2 sweaters in progress for me...oh help!)

one goal accomplished

I've been having a difficult few days...or maybe more like a week by now. Sometimes it just comes over me and I simply have to give in for awhile. It's really stressful having a child who doesn't eat (much). So many issues surround eating, and the pressure is kind of all on me...to figure out what I can try to feed him, to shop, to cook, to puree to just the right consistency...it sounds so simple but it is an overwhelming job.

And when he won't eat more than a few mouthfuls at a time...well, it feels like a personal failure. No need to leave me comments about how I'm doing a good job, doing all I can, etc....I appreciate the thoughts and the support, I really do, but this is not a mental issue for me, it is an emotional burden that I cannot shake off no matter how hard I try. Yes, he sometimes eats well, like that one day last week when he wolfed lunch, but it takes only one day of three-mouthfuls-and-I-quit to undo my feeling of success.



So when I feel I am failing in one area of life, I turn to working really hard at other areas, just to feel a sense of accomplishment. This weekend we raked and removed millions of leaves, trimmed trees, cleaned up the patio and put away the rest of the summer stuff, and I even climbed up and cleaned out the gutters so we don't end up with ice dams again like in our old house. I mopped all the sticky gross floors, cleaned all the bedrooms, and caught up on the laundry. By Sunday night I was wiped out, but at least I felt that something got done by my hands.



I also finished up one of my knitting goals - I made AJ some sweet little knitted pants/long johns/longies. I don't intend to use them as an actual diaper covering, so they are not technically longies, but they would certainly work underneath another layer if needed. Though we don't have the draft problems of our old house, so they will likely just be pants.



The kid is in near-constant motion these days, and I just can't believe that one year ago he couldn't lift his head from the mattress. He's cruising along the furniture, the walls, people, anything he can get one or two fingers on, just for a bit of balance. It won't be long till he's running around after his sister.

Anyway, this project accomplished two goals: make knitted pants, and use up some stash (though I did a bit of, uh, stash replenishment today, which I will share tomorrow). I used two balls + part of a third ball of knitpicks sock yarn purchased several years ago for socks for Hubs. Turned out this yarn felted terribly (sock garden, maybe?) so I ripped the socks and the yarn sat. I don't know the color...labels are long gone. The pants were knit on size 2 and 3 needles, and I loosely followed a pattern in an old Leisure Arts book for size 6 month pants, just increasing stitch and row count where I needed to. I LOVE THESE! And I would make ten more pairs for him if I had time.

Unfortunately after one wearing the knees are already a pilled mess. C'est la vie, it is 100% merino wool. How many kids can say they had 100% merino wool pants that were soft as butter? Someday he will appreciate it.

Back tomorrow with (what else?) more projects added to the queue.

big step

I've been writing crafty posts lately, but I need to interject a personal one.

Today my son ate almost 200 calories BY MOUTH at lunchtime. Then he made the sign for "all done." And I wept with happiness over both.

That doesn't sound like a big deal, probably, but when you consider that each of his 4 tube feedings per day is 237 calories, it is HUGE.

It means we can safely cut out several ounces of Pediasure given through the tube., which will encourage his hunger and reduce tube dependency.

I met with our totally amazing, awesome nutritionist yesterday and she gave me lots of ideas for fat-filled but healthy foods to substitute for tube calories, if he will eat them. Right now it's a lot of baby cereal made with whole milk, and 2nd foods puree with oil in it to boost the fat and calories, but I am thrilled with whatever he will eat by mouth at this point. He is also finding cheerios and rice krispies to be acceptable, and happily shovels them into his mouth by himself.

I am cautiously optimistic.