Saturday, October 28, 2006

stuff and stuff

You know, I'm usually not one for fact, I hate feeling weak and weepy in general. But quite frankly, I feel like life's been kicking me while I'm down for like, the past year.

Every day I wake up feeling like I'm huddled at the bottom of a dark hole, my knees hunched up and my hair hanging in my face, all cold and wet and sad. And I have to make the conscious decision every day to get up and try to climb out of that hole. Some days - most days, really - I am able to do just that, and I go about my business. But some days the walls are just too slippery and I slide back down into a crumpled heap.

This week was filled with those days. Last night I had to run off and be alone, so after dinner I scooted out to the craft store to get a knitting needle for my current project, then wandered around WalMart almost until closing time. Man, that's a lame and sad thing to do. You ever do that? Just wander WalMart late at night? You'll see an interesting cross-section of humanity.

I bought some stuff, but that didn't make me feel any better. I stopped for drive-thru coffee to bring home to Hubs, and got one for myself but that didn't do anything for me either. Finally, halfway home, I burst into tears. It quickly turned into ugly crying, with the snotty nose and the gagging. I cried loud and I cried hard, until my throat hurt and I could hardly see as I drove through the rain. I was still crying as I pulled into the driveway, so I sat in the car with my head in my hands and let it come.

I started this blog about a year ago now (well, November 1), and I looked back today at that first month of posts. Back then the blog was what I had intended it to be - a lighthearted look at my little life with Hubs and Daughter, and my crafty endeavors. The writing is nice, light, entertaining...and was written by a different girl altogether than the one typing this tonight. I am so glad that a number of you found me here and came back for more. I am so sorry that you've had to get to know me through hearing about the worst year of my life.

Thank you for sticking with me and understanding. Thank you for letting me use this craft blog to share my feelings and experiences, and thank you for your words of support.

I'll be back in a few days with some new projects, some completed projects, and probably some more maudlin words. Here's hoping the next year will be better than the last.


Anne said...

You're not melodramatic, you're really not. You have had a truly horrible year, and I sincerely hope that you never have another like it. Letting yourself respond to that, and go through the emotions it brings is not melodrama, it's strength and honesty.

You can't just sidestep all these emotions and emerge at the other end, going through them all is part of the healing process.

Having said which - make sure that people around you who know you well know what you are going through - be guided by them - if they start suggesting that you need some professional support, go with it.

Love, prayers and admiration are coming your way,

Jenn said...

It is so not your fault that you're having a rough time. And by letting us know you through these tough times, we're getting to know the real you, not the face so many of us put out on our blogs.
Hang in there - we are.

alisa said...

big hugs to you!!! you are not melodramatic, its good for you to let it all out-can't wait to see your new projects-i love your blog-you inspire me. i will keep you in my prayers.

HangerMom said...

Having started my blog about the same time as you, I remember yours right from the start. You've had a lot to deal with this year, and maybe the direction of your blog has changed at times, but there's nothing wrong with that. Hopefully it's been healthy for you to have this outlet.

Feel better soon!

Pam said...

Just from reading your blog you seem like the type of person that can take anything that comes at you. People expect you to be able to handle it all and so in turn you expect yourself to be able to handle it all too.

The loss of your baby was so unexpected and so overwhelming - You have no idea how you will deal with something of that magnitude until it happens. There is no right or wrong way to deal with all of this or a way that is better then another. There is simply your way and that's all there is to it.

There's no time limit on your feelings so please don't apologize because you think you aren't at your best yet. You said it's just so hard to get out of bed in the morning - but at least you are getting out of bed.

Wal-mart late at night - totally done that. Not sure about the one in your area, but the people there that late in Smalltown were downright strange.

Keep holding on. You have so many people praying for you.

Karen said...

These ladies have spoken so beautifully. I won't try to add on.

You are so cared about. You can lean on us.