Monday, January 19, 2009

possibly the most boring knit ever

When we went to our feeding clinic appointment last week, I asked, as always, if AJ is now big enough that I can cease feeding him every night (or morning, rather) at 3:00. I want to be clear - if he were waking up crying for food at that hour, I would have no problem with getting up. The thing is, he doesn't wake. I set my alarm, get up, feed him in his sleep, and collapse back into bed. The whole process takes around 20 minutes, but you'd be surprised how much that 20 minute interlude in my sleep takes a major toll.

Unfortunately, we still need to keep working on his weight. So unless I can work the extra 4.5 oz of milk into the other 5 daily feeds, I have to keep getting up. And since he can't quite handle the necessary volume to do that, I'm stuck.

Enter: the most boring of knits. The plain stockinette, top-down raglan sweater. This sweater is the antithesis of what I love to knit (complicated cables), but it is working out great to keep me awake at 3:00 a.m.


Also, in keeping with my desire to save some money (see previous post), I am using up the Patons Decor yarn I got last summer for $.98 per skein. This is going to be a big, loose, hopefully cozy, totally washable sweater for me. I wasn't planning on this for myself this year, but I needed something easy to work on in the dark.

The pattern is great - it's old and kitschy and easy enough to follow:

Raglans Unlimited! Oh, the raglan possibilities! Just look at those hipsters, modeling their raglans. I mock it, but dudes, this pattern book was $2.00 brand new, and has patterns for any kind of raglan sweater you could want (crew necks, v-necks, turtlenecks, cardis, pullovers...the possiblities are, well, unlimited!), and it goes from toddler size 2 up to a 52 inch chest. I'm not sure where my mom got this copy - she thinks she got it about 20 years ago from an older lady who was kind of her knitting mentor at the time. It's good stuff.


But you'd better have good eyesight if you're gonna use it.

Ahhh, I hear crying children. Gotta run. See ya at 3 a.m.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

debt snowball

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching in the past year or so about finances and debt. I have talked a bit about money on the blog, but I don't usually say much except to complain about not having enough. Then I recant and say that we do have enough and I should just shut up and be grateful we're not sleeping on the sidewalk.

Here's the thing - I obsess about money. I really do. Not because I want lots of it to buy stuff, honestly, that is NOT it at all. I really don't even like shopping, I avoid malls, and grab steals online from Old Navy a few times a year to clothe my family. I obsess about money because I have come to hate debt with a raging, fiery passion.

With the latest economic news being so grim and bleak, I have just become angrier and angrier that some fat cat at the top of the heap is taking home millions of dollars while we scrape up student loan, mortgage, and car payments every month. Yes, we have enough to pay them. However, at the rate we are paying them, we will finish paying off our student loans - are you sitting down? - one year before Daughter starts college. That is disgusting!

I will go further and disclose somewhat accurate financial info for reference. Hubs and I are both paying off just over 20K in student loans each. Mine is from graduate school, his is undergrad. Mine has a better rate, so is disappearing almost twice as quickly, even though the amount paid on mine is lower than his each month. Our car was purchased new last April at 0% financing so we could avoid paying interest on a loan. It is now 1/4 paid for (yay!) but the monthly payment to achieve this is very high.

I wish I had come to my current feelings several years ago, before we had children. I wish I had shoved more money towards paying down those damned student loans. Now I literally cringe each day as I think of the interest piling up between payments. I've started throwing a little more toward the principal payment on Hubs' loan since his is at the higher rate, and it's helping a bit, but progress is glacial.

Enter...the debt snowball. Have you all heard of this? It's pretty cool. You can tailor the calculations to your own situation, put in the amount you have available to pay towards debt, and the website will calculate the amount of time it will take you to pay everything off. The basic idea is this: you pay off the highest interest loan first, then when that falls away, take that money and add it to the minimum payment on the next-highest-interest-rate loan. You carry on like this, paying the same amount of money each month no matter what, until your debts are all gone.

In my case, we would pay only the minimum payments on the car and my loan, but put any extra we can towards Hubs' loan. Once the car is paid off in two more years or so, we have to take the amount of the car payment and add it to Hubs' loan payment. Make sense? Ostensibly, this should be no problem because we will be used to paying that amount each month anyway. Then, once his loan finally goes away, in just a few short months mine will be gone also, because the car payment and his loan payment will become a part of MY loan payment.

If we do it right, and stick with the current amounts we are paying, we will pay all three debts off in 65 months. That's 5 years and 5 months! Sounds a lot better than almost 15 more years. It's still depressing when I think I will be 38 years old at that point, and 12 years away from having received my master's degree (which got me into stupid debt in the first place). But Daughter will only be 9, AJ only 5, and we can start to have a better life for all of us at that point, with less scrimping and saving and denying ourselves experiences and things.

I used to think the only kind of "bad" debt was credit card debt. I've never had any, even though I've been using credit cards since I was 18 and went away to college. I've paid my monthly balance in full without fail for 15 years. I thought that made me so awesome. I thought that made me so debt free! I would look down my nose at all those poor suckers who run up huge credit card balances and then can't get out of trouble. Not me! I'm so great, I only have one card and I pay it off! Look at me! SO AWESOME!

But it's not true. I mean, yes, it is good to pay off the credit card every month and I will continue to do so. But I've come to a place in my life where I believe the only acceptable debt is a mortgage payment. It's a rare family that can pay for a house in cash, so I don't feel bad about having a mortgage. But I do feel horribly, terribly bad about paying hundreds of dollars each year in interest on those effing student loans. Thus the dumb ads on the blog. And the etsy shop. And the reselling of diapering accessories. And hopefully a successful yard sale this spring with my mom. Every extra penny I find goes toward knocking down that principal so "the man" can't have any more of our money. Hubs goes to work every day and deals with so much B.S. and for what? We don't have a fancy house or fun vacations. Our children don't have college funds started. There just isn't any extra right now. And that sucks!

I am aiming to dig out from under this debt heap within those 65 months. And when I can find a little more here or there, I will send it off to reduce that time period. My dream is to get it to 48 months, but I'd have to find around $400 extra each month for that. Don't think I can sell that much on etsy just now!

So if you are in debt, no matter what kind, check out that debt snowball site. I'm curious what people feel about their debt. Do you have any? None? If you climbed out, how did you do it? And please, keep the comments kind. I'm not saying anyone is better than anyone else for having or not having debt. Just sharing my thoughts and perspectives, that's all. Please feel free to share yours!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

stuff and more stuff

baby stuff

I have managed, through a careful regimen of stuffing him like a Thanksgiving turkey, to get my son ONTO THE WEIGHT CURVE!!!!! Sure, he's 5th percentile, but dammit, he is on the chart!

We had our feeding clinic appointment this morning, downtown at our Children's Hospital. It was 4 degrees when we left the house, cars were spun out everywhere, traffic was ridiculous, and a trip that should take 20-25 minutes took 50. Thankfully, the parking ramp was not full, and I even got a spot right on the first level. Hallelujah. I had allowed just enough time and we made it exactly at 8:30, so I scrapped my plan of running through the hospital lobby for a coffee and danish from the nice coffee guy I befriended during our son's hostage crisis*. However, they were just turning the lights on in the clinic when we walked in, and we had to stand around and wait! Screw it, next time I'm getting me some breakfast.

Anyway, I was more impressed with this visit than I was the last, though the only person I find truly useful is the speech pathologist, who helps us with the actual feeding of our child. I expressed my concerns about starting him on rice cereal, and she chirped, "let's try him!" So we did. And he ate it. And did not push it out of his mouth or choke on it. Yessssssss. These are the little victories that help me get through my life right now. So we are to go forth and try him twice a day with extremely thin, milky cereal - just a few spoons at a time so he can acclimate to it.

In other news, we saw the geneticist yesterday, who had nothing to offer. Well, she told my son he has a "pathetic little half-smile," to which I responded, "well, that's all you're gonna get, lady." Neither of my children has an upturned smile. And it turns out Daughter cannot close her eyes all the way, nor can she scrunch them up. It was very cute watching her try - she ended up pushing on them with her fingers in an attempt to do as she was asked. Having seen both of my children together, the doctor remains at a loss. We will return when AJ is 9 months old to see if anything else presents itself.

And, drum roll please, my sweet boy can finally lift his head in the prone position! It's so awesome to see him do it, and with no screaming and crying. I believe it is because he finally has a heavy enough body to balance out his giant baby head.

award-worthy stuff

In other news, I got Daughter signed up for a playschool! Yay! Granted, my mom did the legwork and found out the info, but on Monday morning Daughter and I toodled over there and checked it out. It's in a huge, brand-spanking-new church that has an extensive preschool program. I didn't look into preschool yet, though, just a play program for socializing. Poor girl needs to get out of the house and play with some kids her age. This program fits the bill...and you sign up week to week and pay as you go, so there is no commitment and it's pretty inexpensive too ($5/hr). I'm sending her Tuesday and Thursday mornings for two hours.

Yes, I would like an award. I accomplished something, dangit!

And now I must go seek out and consume some caffeine. I limit myself, of course, so my darling son won't spaz out, but the 5.5 hours of sleep I got last night are catching up with me. Oy.


*Thank you, Pam. I use that line all the time to describe our NICU stay!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

road work ahead

I believe I swore I would do this a year ago, but life kind of got in the way...anyhoo, I am finally starting to fart around with making this blog look like something meaningful. Why not, after 3+ years? Sheesh!

Hubs found me a program to use for fooling with photos - it's like photoshop for dorks! Awesome! Perfect for my fried brain cells. So I've begun retooling my header, and will keep on adding stuff to the page until I'm pleased. I know the blogs that get a lot of traffic and followers are the ones with the interesting, interactive, fun layout, so I'm anxious to get going with that. I was reading over my posts from the beginning of this blog adventure, and they were pretty good, if I do say so myself. Lots of projects shown, a light tone - I miss that gal! I'd like to try to find her again and bring this place back to life. I built up a decent readership back then, and I'd like to work toward rebuilding my little online community again. (Not that I don't appreciate all of you who have been with me the whole time...you KNOW that I do!)

I have also placed ads around the page. I'm sorry for that, I really am. But if I can scrape up even a few extra pennies to put toward paying down student loans, etc, I simply must. I hate feeling like I can't contribute to the household income, and if the CPSIA thingy goes through as written, there goes making stuff to sell. Though I'm praying that changes...I have lots of scrap wool to be made into adorable soakers!

Anyway, enough babbling, and it's time to feed the wee child again. Just wanted to explain the dust and debris you'll be seeing around here in the near future as I work on this blog when I have two spare seconds. Here's to a better blog in '09!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

i'm fine. really, i'm fine. just fine. fine.

Hello, hello. I am not as crazy as I sound, I promise!

This blog is kind of like my barstool, and you, my kind reading friends, are the poor barkeep who is forced to listen to me. Sometimes a gal's just gotta vent. I swear I do not write self-pitying posts to get you to leave sweet comments. I do appreciate them - but I am not fishing for them.

You all know how it is to be the busy mom. It gets to be like a pressure-cooker in your head. I don't really have anyone around me right now who I can yell at, so I do that here. I'm not up on a ledge (yet), but I am stressed, and it bleeds onto the blog because that's my life right now.

I don't know...just felt I should say that.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

struggle

Uuuurgh. I am trying to blog, really I am, but the new year has brought with it a case of crippling anxiety and general sense of unease. I have found myself really struggling over the last few days, to the point where food tastes like lumps of sawdust and I can't sleep very well (bad, indeed, when I only have 6-ish hours to sleep at night anyway).

I am frustrated because I can barely leave the house - say I feed AJ at 11:00 am. By the time I finish it is close to 11:45, and then I have to try and eat lunch, feed my daughter lunch, prep for the therapist du jour, have the therapy session (45 mins to an hour), then hang with my breastpump for 15 minutes, and kabam! It's time to feed him again at 3:00 (which will take until about 3:45). If he sleeps after that, Daughter is getting up from her nap anyway so I can't do much for myself. Can't really leave the house because AJ does need some consistency in his day and deserves a quality naptime, and then we're running into the dinner hour anyway.

I am considering the possibility of quitting the pumping at 6 months. I dearly want to give my son the best nutrition for as long as possible, but if I could at least mix a bottle and bring it along with me, I could go somewhere and feed him on the run, and not have to race back home to pump (5x/day to keep up with his needs). I mean, we are not getting any kind of bonding experience out of it, obviously. I just have terrible guilt over quitting. Stupid, I know! There is nothing wrong with formula! I can tell myself that, but my heart would break knowing I voluntarily ceased providing breastmilk. Good heavens, what is my problem?

And we discovered a few problems with our house that is currently up for sale - problems that require diligence and constant upkeep, which I just simply cannot do. And Hubs, bless his heart, is not as good at taking care of that sort of thing. He has said he will try, because his only obligation (not that it is small) is to go to work each day. But we have a double open-house this weekend and I am terrified the house will not be in showing condition. It is truly keeping me up at night.

It is almost time for AJ to start eating actual food and that is killing me softly as well. I could just go to the store, buy the stupid rice cereal, and try him with it, but I am so scared it will be a failure. Then what will I do? We've been in a pretty nice holding pattern for the past couple of months, knowing how to feed him, and it's become quite easy for me. But having to make this change is scary because of the unknown. If he chokes on his food and cannot eat orally.....well, I don't know what I will do because all along I've been telling myself he will be fine.

The weight of it all is crushing me. I'm so, so frightened of PPD, but even more frightened that it could smack me in the head without warning. I have heldittogether, heldittogether, heldittogether for so many months, for the sake of my daughter, my husband, my son, my parents, and myself. But there are cracks in the armor just now, and I'm not sure how bad they're going to become. I'm not one to feel sorry for myself, but I do just now. I do. I've been through it, I'm still going through it, and I'm so, so tired.

Friday, January 02, 2009

4 months old



I will never understand the ways of the universe...somehow, the 9 months of pregnancy stretch out into a mind-numbing, never-ending vortex of time and space, but then the first year of your baby's life is lived in fast-forward.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

new year, old FOs (and ufos)

Hello 2009! I hope everyone had a safe, fun celebration to ring in the new year. Me? I followed my normal schedule of feeding the baby at 11:00, and collapsing into bed immediately thereafter. I did wake up briefly just in time to see Dick Clark smooching all over his wife. Eeeeehhhh.

So let's start the new year with some old knits! Jeez, when was the last time I even had anything stitching-related here on the blog? Other than AJ's elfin pants for Christmas, I don't think there's been a single project shown here since I gave birth. Yikes!

First up, hat, mitten(s) and scarf made for Daughter, to match her red and navy winter coat. The hat is my own pattern, nothing sophisticated, just a basic hat with spiral decreases at the crown. For the mitten(s) I used worsted weight wool (Lion Wool and Patons) and Ann Budd's pattern from The Knitter's Handy Book of Patterns. You'll notice there is only one mitten shown here. Yeah, the other one is in the house somewhere. If any of you have seen it, please do let me know. And the scarf was knit in mistake rib, using Patons Classic Merino in red, entirely at 3:00 in the morning. I have to wake up and feed AJ, as I've mentioned before, so to keep myself awake as I run his milk in one ounce every 5 minutes or so, I have to knit something really simple. It has to be a fairly large gauge, and I have to be able to execute the pattern in near-darkness. Thus this simple scarf!


Next up is this wee sweater I knitted while waiting for AJ to be released from the hospital. It's my very favorite old standby, the Knitting Pure and Simple neckdown raglan cardigan, size 6 months, knit in Patons Classic Merino (natural mix). US size 7 and 8 needles. I modify this pattern a lot by changing up the rib to other things, my favorite being moss stitch. I think it looks a lot classier. I have made this pattern countless times, and will make many more as my son grows. I was shocked to find that this and one other I've knit fit him now! I think of him as being so tiny, but he is growing!


In my quest to use up some stash and leftovers, I made these Little Turtle Knits longies using the yarn remaining from the sweater above, as well as some mystery wool in an olive color and some red I dyed a long time ago (Lion Fisherman Wool, I believe). Pretty good pattern...I'm glad I bought it and would recommend it. These were knit entirely in stolen moments - just before bed while feeding the baby, or when both kids napped (rare).


And this, sadly, is a UFO that I don't think I'll be able to finish in time for it to fit my rapidly growing boy. It's a 6-month size sweater and though it looks like it will be generous when finished, I just don't have the time or concentration to follow a chart and get it done quickly. Plus it is sportweight yarn, and I think I'm going to be more of a worsted weight gal for the near future. It's just faster. Anyway, I believe this is the last thing I worked on before AJ was born. I really do like the pattern...perhaps I'll put it away and finish it up for someone else's baby.


I have a pair of socks going for Daughter, but the photo I took was so lousy I skipped it. And I started a cabled sweater for her months and months ago...but I can't find it! I know it is here somewhere, misplaced in the melee of moving all our crap around to sell our house.

As for '09...well, my goals are really modest. I do so love to knit and sew, but my time is just not my own right now. I intend to finish up one more pair of longies (in progress now), finish the socks for Daughter, finish her cabled sweater if I can find it, and make myself a Central Park Hoodie (and in doing so, officially become the very last knitter in the universe to make this pattern).

Other things will crop up, I'm sure, like more mittens for Daughter (she brought me a skein of red yarn last night so I could "sew some more mittens"), and perhaps some adult socks, which I have not knit in one solid year. But really, just finishing those things I listed will make me happy and I will feel I've accomplished something besides feeding the baby and changing countless diapers. I think it's terribly vital for moms to find something they love to do and do it, just for sanity's sake. That's why I sometimes skip folding the laundry and just knit a few rows while the kids are sleeping. I know that one day in the not-too-distant-future I will have nothing to do but knit and sew, and I do want to enjoy my children while they are wee, but I don't want to give up my hobby in the meantime. It means too much to me; my hands crave it, my mind needs it.

So, welcome 2009! May it be a productive year for all of us.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

last post for 2008

Hey there! Thanks to the three lovely ladies who took the wool soakers off my hands. Not sure if any of them read here - I'm guessing no - but still, a public thanks! It's nice to be able to share something handmade with others who will value it, don't you agree?

I just want to drop one last brief post for 2008. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you faithful readers who saw me through another somewhat difficult year (not nearly as bad as 2006, but still...). Hubs, the kids, and I deeply appreciate all the prayers and good thoughts that came our way throughout my pregnancy and the ensuing chaos.

Luckily, and knock on wood, everything is going wonderfully now and we have high hopes for '09. Baby AJ (he deserves some sort of blog name besides "the baby") had his 4 month well visit today and he is doing very well. He has cracked 11 lbs (by 2 oz) and should hopefully intercept the growth chart by his 6 month well visit. Yes, four months old and only 11 lbs. Compare that to your babies! Yeesh, even Daughter was almost 13 lbs at the same point in her life. Little guy has some catching up to do, but at this point we seem to have figured out his feedings such that he gains at least 1 oz per day, so almost a full pound every two weeks. He's getting there. His therapies are going very well, he is improving in every way. Still lagging in gross motor skills like lifting his head up when on his tummy, but his little neck is skinny and it's hard to lift that big bowling ball noggin. The doctor suggested we start thinking about rice cereal - already?!? But I guess we are reaching that age! I'm praying he will be able to swallow it efficiently and we can start working our way towards 1st foods.

And I am rather proud of myself for making it through 1/3 of AJ's first year pumping breastmilk so he can have it exclusively. I know it's a little nuts, and it takes up a HUGE amount of time and energy, but I breastfed Daughter for 10 months and I'd like to give him at least that much. He refuses to nurse - cries when I offer, which breaks my heart in ways I cannot describe - but I can give him the benefits another way, so I feel I must. Can I keep it up? I will surely try.

I look forward to a new year, and have just a few modest goals (ahem).

  1. Sell house. Oh please, please, please someone buy my house.
  2. Get Daughter into some sort of play/preschool-type program.
  3. Find some time for myself.
  4. Save money, live below our means.
  5. Find happiness in the midst of our chaotic life.
There are more, I'm sure, but those spring to mind. I hope you all had a truly marvelous Christmas/Holiday season and I wish you a beautiful, blessed New Year! Be careful, stay warm, and I'll see you in 2009!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

quick plug

I have listed a few wool soakers on Etsy while I still can. There are two newborn size, and one small. I'm selling them cheap and including parcel post shipping to the lower 48.

Check them out
!


newborn


newborn


small

Friday, December 12, 2008

believer

Last Sunday we went to the annual communion breakfast hosted by our local alumni club. It's the first time I've gone since I was a teenager, and the only reason I went back can be seen below:



This is the same Santa sprinkling "magic dust" in my hand who sprinkled it into my hand when I was Daughter's age. She was enthralled. Wouldn't she have just keeled over to know she ate her eggs and waffles right across from Santa just a few minutes earlier? He is truly the best Santa I've ever seen, and it was all the more special because he knew all of us personally. It was just perfect.

And yes, I an in DIRE need of a haircut, I know. (It has been growing since April...bleh!)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

elfin pants

Well, our son's surgery went great this morning. I was most impressed that it went off on time...and totally blown away by how different outpatient surgery is compared to inpatient-in-the-NICU surgery. First of all, free Beanie Baby when you check in! Neat! Second and third, the scrub nurse just carried him off to the surgical suite in her arms, and after recovery, I carried him back to his room in my arms...no rolling along on a warmer or in a crib. Weird! And then, once we'd fed him some Pedialyte, they just pulled his I.V. and shoo-ed us out the door. The whole shebang, start to finish, took 5 hours.

The audiologist said things look good, and after the swelling goes down he should hear within the normal range for learning speech and language. We won't know if it's perfect until he is at least 1 year, but for now we are thrilled.

So! Onward to the Christmas season!

I have done quite literally nothing to prepare for gift-giving. I did take advantage of the sale prices at Old Navy to get things my own family needs, which I tend to do every year. And last week I got the nutsy idea that I needed to knit some Christmas pants for the wee one. So I did.


These wee elfin pants are based on the pants pattern in Last Minute Knitted Gifts. This pattern is just OK...I'm not thrilled with it. I made a pair of these pants for a friend's baby, to use as soakers/longies, and she said the crotch pulls and there isn't much room in the rear. I now see what she meant. There are no short rows, so no extra space in the bottom area for a big, cloth-diapered baby butt. Also, the shenanigans involved in joining the legs and knitting upward are horrendous. I love these, and he will wear them all month at least, but I won't be using this pattern again.


I made these using leftovers, as we poor people are wont to do (I am on a yarn-buying hiatus at the moment). This is some crimson Patons classic merino, and some pine green Knitpicks wool of the andes, both worsted weight. I made the 0-6 month size, but changed the foldover waistband to a ribbed waistband. Much easier and faster. I have, since taking these photos, crocheted a drawstring to go through the waist for better fit (you can see the eyelet holes).

Love, love, love! And they put me in the Christmas spirit, at least a little. I want more little wool pants for him, so I purchased the original longies pattern from Little Turtle Knits and made a start on a new pair while in the surgical waiting room this morning.


And check out this sibling love-fest! My sweet boy developed some serious "right-head preference" in the NICU because all his care was performed at the right side of his crib, so the muscles in his neck are actually messed up and he does NOT like to turn his head to the left. Part of his therapy is to get him to turn his head that way, so we place everything on his left now - his toys, mirrors...and, yes, people. Say it with me now...awwwwwwwwww!

back to the hospital

Today is ear tube day. We are off to the hospital in 15 minutes. I'm very nervous.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

rambling

Oooooh, people. Life is hectic.

I reached a new high yesterday...I ventured out to the library and WalMart with both of my children. It went ok, except it's hard to put much into a shopping cart with a baby carseat in it and a tall gangly 3 year old in the front.

I'm sad to say I've become a Hisser. You know exactly what I mean. I'm now the mom who screams really quietly at my child, who in turn has become That Child Who Will Never Be My Child out in public. You've seen this child...perhaps you have one. This is the child who drags herself across the filthy library carpet on her belly despite repeated hissings to stopitrightnow, or runs away in the parking lot despite a billion warnings that a car could come and squash her flat in a second. I am doing my best, I really am. But my best feels pretty crappy these days.

I am eating crow constantly, I must say. I always told people I wasn't nervous at all about having two children. What's the big deal? Practically everybody does it, and lots of families have many more than two. But then again, maybe not everyone has a son with special needs, who can't just be picked up and nursed while attending to the other child(ren), who has appointments at various offices and hospitals 1 to 3 times a week and physical and occupational therapy 4 times a week, who has to be monitored constantly so he doesn't choke on his own saliva.

On the upside, he hasn't been choking, and forgive me if I am repeating myself, but he no longer has to be on his monitor 24/7 - only when sleeping or out of our sight (like when riding in the car). And I haven't turned on that hideous suction machine in 3.5 weeks. My goal is to never use it ever again. I have researched feeding issues rather extensively and - no surprise - putting something like that in an infant's mouth and throat can lead to serious oral aversion. Anyway, he can cough really well now and clears his airway nicely, so things are improving, albeit at a glacial pace.

The adrenaline has worn off, though. I am starting to really hate waking up at 3 a.m. to feed my peacefully sleeping baby. I sure hope he gains acceptably so we can quit that miserable job. He packed on an ounce a day last week, so let's hope he keeps that up. Still, only 9 lbs, 7 oz at 3 months old is pretty lame. I worry about him so much.

I'm trying not to be selfish. But I am tired. So, so tired. My number one favorite thing to do right now is sleep. And I miss doing the things I like to do. I get to knit a few stitches here and there, but there's no chance of getting out my sewing machine for the foreseeable future...and I want to! My fingers itch to whip up Christmas gifts and quilts and clothes for my kids. I want to blog about fun stuff, and take nice photos to post. I want to have fun and be happy but life feels like 99% work, 1% enjoyment just now.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh. This too shall pass.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

giving thanks

Well, I think it is obvious what I am thankful for this year.





May all of you who celebrate have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 24, 2008

nap denial

Oh, internet friends...I love how you get all indignant for me. I may indeed write that letter to the medical director of the NICU. I'll let you know.

Onward to another issue - one that does not involve my baby, believe it or not. Or, rather, does not involve him directly. The issue is sleep. I am not getting enough (obviously). But Daughter is getting too much.

She is just over 3 and a half, and has consistently napped in the afternoons forever. She will eat lunch, play a little, go potty, and then sack out for 1.5 - 3 hours. Yes, really. The problem is, she doesn't want to get up. Much like her father, she wants to just sleep the day away. Mind you, I love the solitude in the afternoon, and I would love to nap also, but you just know the baby refuses to sleep for the entire time she does. Boo.

Anyway, she finally gets up after much cajoling and poking and prodding, and she's totally nasty to me, kicking and fighting as I try to get her up. I've tried waking her early. I've tried just letting her get up on her own. No matter what I seem to try, she is miserable. And then when bedtime rolls around at night, she is wide awake in bed until 11 p.m. Unacceptable!

So yesterday we went out in the afternoon and she just cat-napped in the car. She was bathed and in bed by 8 p.m. and asleep by 8:30. YES! Today I tried to keep her up...and she begged me for a nap. BEGGED ME! What kind of alternate universe do I live in where my 3 year old is begging me to let her take a nap? She has just fallen asleep on the couch, which is fine, the regular noise of the household will wake her shortly. I just don't know how to navigate this issue.

She obviously still wants (and perhaps needs) some afternoon rest, but I need her to go to bed at a reasonable hour and get a good night of sleep. Ah, parenting. Where's that manual, again? Can't seem to find my copy...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

hallelujah!

There is a portion of my son's healthcare/diagnosis that I have not blogged about yet, both because it felt quite personal and painful, and because it has been rather up-in-the-air.

Because his problems are related to cranial nerves, many symptoms present themselves that don't necessarily seem to make sense at first. The first neonatologist, at the hospital where our son was born, suggested he might have hearing loss because that is often a result of cranial nerve damage/deficiency. We were frightened of that, especially since there was some question of whether or not he could see, also.

At the second hospital, it was determined that his eyes were ok, and we now know that he definitely sees. But his hearing seemed deficient in every test. Two ABR (or BAER) tests were performed in the NICU, both with questionable results because he was not sedated and moved a bit during the tests. They were performed by EEG techs, and read by a neurologist, but no one in the NICU seemed to be able to tell us what the results meant. It was frustrating, to say the least. Eventually, after the second test was performed, and we begged for some answers, a nurse practitioner looked at the results and told us our son had complete bilateral hearing loss.

Oh my goodness, imagine what that was like. Complete bilateral hearing loss. Our son could not hear.

We went home, told our family and friends to start learning sign language, and I immediately began investigating deaf infant programs in our area. I was so sad and scared. Our son had enough problems with his feeding issues...why this too?

A day or two later I asked to speak with the neonatologist on duty to confirm this hearing diagnosis. I got another nurse practitioner, which did not surprise me as they are the liason between the medical team and the family. She gave me the same information as the first NP.

The next day, I finally got the neonatologist to come talk to me. As an interesting aside, his own 4 yr old daughter has cochlear implants, so I thought surely he would be sensitive to this issue and give me some answers. He came into the nursery, informed me that a) they were more concerned about his feeding than his hearing and b) he had not seen the test results. He then proceeded to tell me all the possible fixes for hearing loss, all the while not really knowing if any of them applied to my child.

Perhaps some of you have had children in the NICU - I wonder if getting information was like pulling teeth for you as well.

Finally, after a couple more weeks when discharge was looming, Hubs and I demanded a meeting with audiology and the NICU team to determine what, exactly, we were to do with this hearing situation. During that meeting, the audiologist, who I have come to know and love, looked at the test results and said she could not confidently say our son had complete hearing loss. We went around the room and NONE of the medical professionals in the group could even INTERPRET the results, much less give us an informed diagnosis. (The two NPs who had told us our son couldn't hear were not present at this meeting - it was not their shift.)

So. I was ready to kill someone at that point and told the room as much. I let them know how angry we were to have been told incorrect information, and I told them who disseminated it. I know that original NP was spoken to, and it was suggested that I write a letter to either the director of nursing or the medical director of the NICU. I am still pondering that. It is so, so irresponsible to give families incorrect information like that. I wanted to throw a brick at her face, I'll tell you what.

Fast forward a week or so, and we have the same test performed in a sound-proof booth by the actual audiologist. She also performed a tympanogram (puff of air blown against the eardrum to check for movement). She determined he has very mild loss bilaterally and it is conductive. That means the cochlea works, and the nerve is taking the sound info to the brain stem. The problem is somewhere between the outside world and the middle ear. His eardrums did not really move, so something was definitely structurally wrong. She confirmed that he can, in fact, hear us, and can hear very high pitches quite well. If we speak loudly he should be able to basically understand us, but it may be muffled.

Fast forward again to this morning. We had an appointment with a pediatric ENT specialist, who took one look in our son's ears and said, "yep, there's fluid in there." That is why the eardrums don't move.

FLUID!

We went from "your son is deaf" to "there's fluid in them thar ears."

In 3 weeks our son will (unfortunately) have surgery again, this time to place tubes in his ears. While he is anesthetized, he will have the ABR performed again by the same audiologist to determine that the tubes did the trick. The ENT guy is pretty sure that should do it, though, and our son will hear just fine.

It turns out this is a common problem for kids with cranial nerve trouble. The muscles that open the eustachian tubes don't work properly, so fluid does not drain.

Last night before I went to sleep I prayed a shoddy little prayer - something along the lines of, hey God, how about you give us a break on this one? And he has. Oh, praise Him, he has cut us a major break. I wish surgery wasn't required, but people, fixing this will give him language! Praise God!

So to wrap up, I want to remind all of you parents out there that you have a right to ACCURATE information about your child and their health care. Sometimes you have to fight and be demanding and even be kind of a pain in someone's ass, but that is our job, no?

Monday, November 17, 2008

thirsties wanted!

I would love to blog, really I would...I just don't have the time to even come up for air right now. Bear with me, I WILL be back.

There is even some knitting! My poor, neglected Daughter was going to have some cold hands if I didn't bust a move making her some mittens, and there is a hat and scarf combo in the near future...I am thinking that will make some quality 3 a.m. knitting when I am waiting for the baby's milk to run through.

Good news, briefly: The child no longer has to have his monitor hooked up 24/7! Only when he is sleeping and/or out of our sight. This is so awesome, because that thing is like a freaking ball and chain, literally. Also, barring anything unforeseen, tomorrow he gets his temporary feeding tube out and the new "button" put in, which will be almost flush against his skin and only be opened/closed when needed. He currently has about 18" of tubing coming out the front of his clothing at all times, which is dangerous, scary, annoying, and quite frankly, rather unsightly. Also, it blows "tummy time" to smithereens. My child is 11 weeks old and cannot yet hold up his own head. Sad, I know. He is certainly behind. He also just cracked 9 lbs. Ay-yi-yi.

Ok, so - things have normalized enough that I have made the big switcheroo to my beloved cloth diapers. I only bought one thirsties cover when I made my order back in the summer, because I didn't know if I would like them. And I DO like them! In fact, I LOVE the thirsties cover, and I want more. The question I have is, does anyone have any XS thirsties covers they no longer need and want to sell to me? I am just looking to pick up a few more at a lower price than the brand new ones. Medical bills and such, you know.

If you have some, or know someone who does, please leave a comment or drop me a line: momwhoknits AT yahoo DOT com. Thanks!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

a day in the life

Where shall I begin? How about 3 a.m.-ish? Ok, here we go:

2:40 a.m. - wake to alarm because child sleeps through the night (thank God for that blessing)

3:00 a.m. - bring warmed bottle of fortified breast milk upstairs, feed to sleeping child.

3:15 a.m. - collapse back into bed.

6:20 a.m. - wake to alarm again. Go downstairs, pump bottles of milk, warm prepared bottle.

7:00 a.m. - feed prepared bottle to still-sleeping child. Collapse back into bed for a few more precious moments of rest, or grab shower if we have appointments that day.

7:20 a.m. or so - get back up to change horribly stinky poopy diaper, generated as direct result of 7:00 feeding.

7:30 - unplug monitor from outlet, throw that and the suction machine over shoulder, grab some clean clothes for the child, grab child, make way downstairs.

7:30-8:00 - perform morning cares for smaller child (clean g-tube site, change gauze, dispense eyedrops), change poop #2, dress child.

*8:00-9:30 - wrangle Daughter through breakfast, potty and dressing. Attempt to eat something as well.

9:30-10:00* - pump and mix bottles

*If this is an appointment day, wrangle Daughter much faster, throw still-damp hair into a shitty-looking ponytail, pack up wee child's machines and diaper bag, and throw everyone in the car...while desperately trying to avoid the use of 4-letter words. Arrive late to appointment, sit and wait anyway, get through 30 second appointment, head home.

11:00 - attempt bottle or breast-feeding, then finish with g-tube feeding.

11:30-12:30 - attempt to feed Daughter something healthy for lunch

1:00 - pump and mix bottles

1:30 - read stories and drop-kick Daughter into her bed for nap

1:40 - end of naptime - attempt to do some laundry, make the bed, eat something, pay bills, or heaven forbid...relax for two seconds.

3:00 - feed baby, cuddle, play, spend quality time

3:30 - wrangle Daughter onto the toilet for post-nap pee, have snack, hang out playing go-fish, candyland, playdough, or coloring while still trying to do some laundry and/or finish (my) lunch.

4:30 - pump and mix bottles

5:00 -7:00 - work on dinner, attempt to calm fussy baby, eat something.

7:30 - pump and mix bottles

8:00 - chuck Daughter in tub or wrestle her into pajamas.

8:30 - read stories and bodyslam Daughter into bed.

9:00-10:30 - hang with baby, try not to fall asleep, perhaps knit one or two rows if baby is sleeping.

10:30 - pump and mix bottles

10:50 - change baby for bed, warm bottle, take baby and all equipment upstairs.

11:00 - place baby in bed, administer final feeding of the day.

11:20 - collapse into bed.

Rinse. Repeat.

I must add that we are currently living with my parents in their large home so that I will have help with just about all of the above while Hubs goes to work. Our house is going on the market, and there is no way I could leave for showings in this situation.

A child with special needs is a handful, even when those special needs are not extremely complicated.

Life is a tad overwhelming just now.

Monday, October 27, 2008

home

On Friday afternoon, after 53 days in two NICUs, my baby boy breathed the outside air for the first time.


Off the hospital monitors and dressed to go home.


Heading to the car in the NICU buggy.

We are happy. We are exhausted.

We are home.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

on our way

People! Listen!

MY BABY IS COMING HOME!

The doctor told us this morning that once we have our training on how to care for the G tube (which is tomorrow), we can TAKE HIM HOME.

Discharge is planned for Friday afternoon, as long as he doesn't do anything silly between now and then. We are not telling him he is going home, because whenever you do that, something rotten happens and the kid ends up staying. No, thank you. It is time for us to wave goodbye to the NICU and be a family again.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

it's the little things

Baby boy is on breastmilk already! As of this morning they discontinued the Pedialyte and started him on breastmilk again. I couldn't be more thrilled at the speed of his progress right now. He is only getting 5 ml this morning, slowly infused, but it will increase by 5 ml each feeding until he eventually gets back up to a reasonable level. If his system tolerates it well, they will do bigger jumps.

He is also off morphine now, meaning hopefully one of the IVs will come out. The other will be decreased until he is on full feeds, and then will be discontinued.

His nurse also told me he is off the warmer for good, dressed and wrapped up, and will be going back into a regular crib.

They are baby steps, literally, but feel like giant leaps to me right now.

Friday, October 17, 2008

just a little update

For those interested in the medical happenings, our son is resting relatively comfortably. He continues to receive tiny doses of morphine as needed, but he has not needed much. This morning, 48 hours after surgery, he is finally being fed, though it is just Pedialyte. They are literally administering it drop by drop through the GT and it is agonizing to watch it drip, knowing he is hungry and that's all he can have.

In a couple of days he will go to a very slow feed of breastmilk again, and hopefully by next week we will begin bolus feedings so we can start thinking about discharge.

We haven't been able to hold him yet, as he is tethered to the pump that administers the Pedialyte. That will continue on a constant, around-the-clock drip for now. Plus he is still in pain and I wouldn't want to pick him up and hold him if it means his abdomen would be scrunched up.

As for me? Well, I am doing my best. I am angry and confused and hurt and sad, mostly because my little boy has to suffer. I'm tired...the kind of tired where you don't even fully realize just how tired you are until you lay down in bed at night, flip on the news, and miss it because sleep comes instantly. I'm straight-up worn out and just want this all to be over...as much as it can be. This morning Hubs and I went to training for CPR and to learn how to use the apnea/bradycardia monitor and suction machine our son will come home with, a real reminder that things won't be the same around here for the foreseeable future.

I guess that's it for now. Just muddling through as best we can.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

post op

My little man had his surgery yesterday morning. It went remarkably fast, and he came through great. No problems with anesthesia, and the surgeon said his anatomy is normal so no complications when they opened his abdomen. We were able to be with him right up until the anesthesiologists took him away, and we rejoined him immediately after he returned to the NICU. As for me...well, I managed to get through using only 3 tissues, so I guess my crying was minimal.

I went back to see him last night, just to check on him, and he was laying splayed out on a warmer, his middle covered in bandages, moaning and crying and startling a lot. He is used to being swaddled and held, so this is something of a surprise to him. The nurses were giving him teeny doses of morphine every couple of hours to keep him comfortable, but he didn't look comfortable to me.

They will start feeding him again, slowly, slowly, starting tonight or tomorrow. It is the first step toward bringing him home. I might be able to hold him today when I go in. I sure hope so - I think it would be a great comfort to us both.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit, either. ~Elizabeth Zimmerman

Oh hi.

I am so exhausted. When I finally lay my head down at night the room spins. Our son has now spent all of his 5 weeks of life in the hospital, and it won't end soon. His surgery is still a week away (next Wednesday the 15th), and then there will be recovery, and our education as to how we care for him. And the bills have just started to roll in. Heaven help me.

I don't want to drive back and forth to the hospital even one more stinking time. And have I mentioned that the route to the hospital takes me right past the cemetery where my daughter is buried? How fun is that? But I can't skip even one day or I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I get about 2 precious hours with my son each day. The whole thing just sucks.

The knitting has not fallen by the wayside, believe it or not. I finished up a couple of sweaters before the birth, and since then I have managed two pumpkin hats for my two little pumpkins. Baby's is way too big, but Daughter's is a-ok.


Photo credit goes to my mom, who, along with my dad, took Daughter to a local farm last weekend. Thank God for my parents, without whom I would be totally dead right now.

Anyway, that there is the ubiquitous fruit hat, knit in Knitpicks Wool of the Andes (colors: pumpkin and fern) and the Knitting Pure and Simple children's neck-down cardigan with the knitted collar option, knit in Lion Brand Fisherman (color: nature's brown). For the record, one skein of that yarn is enough for this sweater in the smallest size (2-4 years, I believe), making it one of the cheapest heavy wool sweaters ever - about 6 bucks. Hey, I am stressed out and anxious beyond belief, but I am still frugal. I wish I could show the awesome wooden toggle buttons on the front, but all the front shots show her face and you all know how I feel about faces on the blog. They're gorgeous, though.

Time to go pump breastmilk. Now I know how dairy cows feel. Sheesh.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

heads i win, tails you lose

When you decide to have a baby, you're really just flipping a giant coin, or rolling a giant set of universe dice. If you're lucky, like so many of us, you get a mostly perfect baby with no outward signs of dysfunction. If you're not so lucky, like so many of us, you get a baby with some serious problems.

We are about to be placed on the OR schedule for placement of a permanent gastrostomy tube. It is the only way my baby can come home and eat safely. Part of the surgery will also tighten the sphincter muscle in his tummy so he will not reflux and choke. I watched him do that very thing yesterday and he turned blue right in front of me. It was horrifying.

I hate this. I hate it so much I can barely breathe. Mostly I hate that if I say the words "feeding tube" people will think I have a disabled baby or something, and I DO NOT. My baby is so beautiful and perfect and I love him so desperately...and I don't want anyone looking at us with pity. He just can't eat. And right now I will do anything to get him out of that NICU. To get him away from the many, many doctors who come in and poke and prod him every damn day. He needs to come home and be loved and cuddled and held and played with, and yes, fed through a stupid old tube into his belly so he can grow and get strong and hopefully show all those stupid old doctors that he will be just fine.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

more stuff about my baby

I just want to say that I do not write these posts fishing for comments...but that all the amazingly kind and supportive words you've shared over these couple of weeks have meant so much to me. It sounds cheesy and trite, but it's true. I find that I can relax a little, knowing so many are lifting us up in prayer and hope.

This has been one of the most stressful weeks of our lives, and oddly enough, we have come full circle. Our son was admitted to his current hospital one week ago yesterday with feeding difficulties, and he is now hanging out in the NICU...with feeding difficulties. But God is good, people, and don't you forget it - each day of this harrowing week has allowed us to tick one more horrifying potential diagnosis off the list and move forward. We have now found out that our baby's brain is not damaged, he can see (the O.T. examined him and confirmed he tracks visually, thank you Lord), and despite having "low tone" he moves his body in typical newborn fashion. The only somewhat scary thing that is still up in the air is his hearing. They attempted to do their more sophisticated test more than once but he kept waking up and ruining it, so it was finally completed yesterday. We'll find out the results soon.

There are specialists beginning to work with him on feeding once again - they have confirmed he can drink from a bottle (which we already knew but they did not) but the milk collects in his throat at times and he becomes uncoordinated, causing him to choke. They haven't let me nurse him again - yet - but I think it's coming soon. He tends to do better with nursing because he can pace himself more naturally than when he is given a bottle. Also, he gets a better latch, probably due to the size of a human nipple as compared to a smaller bottle nipple.

Bear with me - I'm just trying to chronicle some of this stuff. And please, if you would, continue to keep us in your prayers. It is working, we are so blessed. Thank you!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

my son, the enigma

Our son's MRI came back looking normal. So thank God for that. The doctors let us know yesterday that they were pretty sure something was going to be abnormal in his brain stem, but the radiologist said if they hadn't told him what they were looking for, he would have questioned why they were having the MRI done at all. The scan wasn't good enough to see the exact cranial nerves they wanted to check out, because babies are too small (and therefore the nerves are too small to be seen). But his brain looks fine.

So we're still nowhere on the gag issue, and they are worried about his hearing because he failed the very first hearing screen (last week at the first hospital) bilaterally. His optic nerves are present and we believe he sees, but we can't be totally sure about hearing. So that was redone yesterday after we left for the day and we will hopefully find out some results today. However, his hearing is not my main concern - if there is a problem we have lots of options (and I am not convinced there IS a problem...I swear he responds to our voices and when Daughter came to read him a story the other day, he perked up, opened his eyes, and looked right at her when she started reading).

Basically right now we have the world's most expensive day care (and night care) - all they are really doing with him is feeding him through the teeny tube that goes down his throat. I spend all of my time either at the hospital holding him, home pumping breast milk to bring to the hospital, or spending time with Daughter so she doesn't start to hate us and resent her baby brother for taking so much of our time.

He looks so beautiful and perfect - I am so frustrated that I can't just bring him home. The doctors won't let us even try to feed him (via bottle or breast) because they don't want to put him in danger. The neonatologist heading up the team (who happens to be the father of some kids I went to high school with: cue "it's a small, small world") sat with us for a long, long time yesterday discussing our son, and he basically threw up his hands and said our baby is an enigma. A medical mystery.

So we drive back and forth. I hook up to my Medela. And we wait while more specialists are called in to see if someone, anyone, can figure out what is wrong with my baby.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

prayers needed

I'm sure everyone thinks I haven't posted because I'm busy at home with a new baby...and I wish so much that that were true.

Our son was born in some distress, and his respiration was too rapid for the first several days for him to feed normally. He was on an IV for a couple of days, then went to a feeding tube through his nose, then to bottles, and finally I was able to nurse him. I went home after 4 days, he stayed in the NICU. We drove back and forth twice a day at two of his feeding times so I could nurse him and we could hold him and visit.

The problem is that my baby lacks a gag reflex and if he either burps up milk or gets too much in his mouth at once, he can't choke and clear it himself. The nurses had been able to solve it with suction and he was getting better at recovering from these episodes, until the other night when a nurse was feeding him and he choked so badly he had to be put on a ventilator for recovery. Luckily he did not aspirate much of anything and was taken off the ventilator after a few hours.

On Friday he was transferred to a different hospital with a more sophisticated NICU and a billion specialists. We've watched as geneticists and neurologists have poked and prodded him, and waited very impatiently for the doctors to allow him to eat again (he went back to IV only after the ventilator incident). They have finally allowed it, 5 ml at a time, again through a tube. He was taking almost 50 ml per feeding before, or nursing a full feeding. Watching him cry with an empty tummy almost killed me.

My baby looks perfect. He breathes fine on his own, nurses successfully, cries, kicks, waves his arms around, fills diapers, coos, and snuggles into me when I hold him. He is in most respects a normal, healthy, gorgeous baby. But something in his craniofacial nerves or musculature is not right, and we need to find out what it is and fix it before he comes home. Sometime between now and Monday my sweet, tiny boy will be sedated and given an MRI so we can see his whole brain/nerve structure and hopefully get an answer to what is causing him this problem.

I don't know what I did wrong, if anything, during my pregnancy. I don't know what my child did to deserve this. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm so frustrated, and sad, and very frightened for my son.

So if you wouldn't mind keeping up the prayers for my little family, and mostly for my little boy, I would truly appreciate it.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

the new man in my life

Our sweet baby boy made a grand and frightening entrance into the world on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 7:56 pm. He arrived via emergency c-section and weighed 6 lbs, 6 oz.

He's still at the hospital in the special care nursery (code for NICU) due to some rapid respiration and feeding issues, but is improving hourly and we should have him home soon.

Loooooooooooong story and a photo to come. Suffice it to say he is beautiful and perfect and we are so, so happy.

Thank you all so much for the love, support and prayers.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

nope, not yet!

I just realized it's been many days since I posted and I wouldn't want you all to get your hopes up on my behalf or anything.....that's right, STILL no baby.

Good heavens. This is getting ridiculous.

I have felt all along that it would be August 29th (no particular reason, I just looked at the calendar and said, August 29). Wrong!

Mom thought surely it would end up being August 31st, because that was my grandfather's (her father's) birthday and people in our family are just about universally born on someone else's birthday or anniversary. Well, it's almost 5 pm so there is still a chance, but I'm thinking no.

My doctor, many months ago, joked that maybe we will have the first baby born on Labor Day. Perhaps!

Along with the 'born on other people's birthdays' thing, maybe he will come on my sister's new husband's birthday - Wednesday, September 3rd.

But I'm thinking it's going to be a long slog through this coming week, and we will end up strolling into the hospital on the 8th to be induced. Oh well.

In the meantime, we're hanging at the beach enjoying the end of summer, taking naps in the warm afternoons, and knitting A LOT. I have some sweaters to show off tomorrow...but I have to get the camera out of the hospital bag which has been living in the car for the past 3 weeks.

Happy labor day - here's hoping it really will be!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

new plan

I had my 39 week appointment this morning and NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

But that's ok, because now we have a plan. Baby has until September 8 to come out on his own or we are evicting him by force. I'd kind of prefer not to have to be induced, so it would be nice if he would make an appearance before that, but I am comforted knowing there is a plan in place to get the show on the road.

My doctor promises me I will not be pregnant past September 8. Good enough!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

let's talk about something else

Maybe if we ignore him, he'll get upset and come out!

Let's talk about knitting instead of babies, yes? (Or at least knitting for babies...)


Just a few things...


Baby's blanket has been done since the night my boyfriend Michael Phelps won his 8th and final gold medal. I was working on the border as the race took place and dude, did I ever knit fast watching that. Yowza!


Here's a closeup of the pattern. I really love it - and it's a good thing, because it's a large project and takes a loooooong time to knit for some reason. I made the same blanket for Daughter in a sage green, so now they're matchy-matchy.

The yarn is just some Caron acrylic (not the cheesy soft stuff, but more akin to Red Heart...can't think of the name just now). It was tough on my hands, but I do like acrylic for the baby blankets that will get washed and used a lot. Holds up really well...Daughter's still looks just about as good as it did when it was first made. And after washing, it is surprisingly soft and drapes beautifully. I used US size 9 and 10.5 needles, and the pattern is from a Leisure Arts book called "Beautiful Baby."


My latest knitting obsession is this new yarn from Red Heart - Heart & Sole sock yarn. This is the best product I've ever used from Red Heart. It has actual wool content! I originally bought the bright yarn you see made up into the socks on the left (colorway: "spring stripe") to put in my hospital bag when I thought I was having a c-section. When baby turned, I figured I'd race him to the finish and see if I could just get the socks done for Daughter. Hmmmm. No problem there.

Then, because I liked working with the yarn so much AND because I had a coupon, I went back to AC Moore and got another skein (colorway: "toasted almond"). I found out all the colors don't stripe the same, so these socks are fraternal. Got those done over the weekend.

And today, I simply couldn't help myself. I stopped once again at AC Moore and picked up two more colorways: "congo" on the left in the photo, and "rustica" on the right.

Hey, you can't beat it for quality, inexpensive, entertaining knitting! One skein costs me $2.60 if I use a 40% off coupon, and I get both a pair of warm winter socks for Daughter AND several hours of knitting fun. And it is a good yarn, people. Washes up fantastically well. I can't wait for cool weather so Daughter can start wearing these.

They are knit up on US size 2 needles over 48 stitches.


A simple top-down raglan cardigan sweater for baby boy. If home heating costs are truly going to be as high as they say this winter, we will all need to bundle up in some woolly warmth.

I'm also trying out a new yarn - this is Caron Country, a wool/acrylic blend. It comes in stunning colors and is almost unbearably soft. This is the charcoal colorway, which I chose because it was boyish and goes with most everything. I love the look and feel, but it's a bear to knit up. It is not tightly spun, so the plies split all over the place. I have to watch while I knit it, which stinks for a simple project like this. Usually I can knit one of these while I watch a movie, read blogs, or whatever. Not so this time. Oh well, it is only a 6-month size so it is going quickly. I've just divided for the sleeves and will zoom through the body portion in the next day or so. If I have enough yarn I'll add a hood for extra warmth.

Let's see...can I finish it before he comes? That's a challenge, baby boy - you hear me??


Aaaaaaaaaand, because I seriously fell off the wagon with the yarn purchasing today, I had to grab a skein of the new colorway of Lion Fisherman's Wool. I have a bunch of skeins of the natural color, but now they have "nature's brown" and I luuuuuuuurve it. I will use this one skein to make a top-down cardigan for Daughter, and if I like it I will get 3 or 4 more to make a cardi for myself. Not, like, immediately - I know my knitting time will be tragically cut short until at least Christmastime once baby comes - but it's nice to have some simple projects planned out. I picture these sweaters with either leather buttons or wooden toggle buttons. Classic, hearty, and warm.

Well, now my back hurts and my stomach is growling, so I'm going to make several attempts to stand up from the couch and go get a snack. And just a wee bit of baby info for you: as of this morning's bpp, he is still head-down, still shoving his feet up into my ribs, and still adorable. Oh, and still INSIDE. Arrgh. :)

Monday, August 25, 2008

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

good job, internet!

Well, I don't know what you all did - did someone organize a mass headstand without me knowing about it? Whatever it was, it worked, and baby boy has flipped himself BACK TO HEAD-DOWN.

So thank you. Now I can at least go into labor with one less fear (a foot or cord presenting first).

Last night I was having some contractions that felt worse than braxton-hicks, but not nearly as bad as the real deal, so hopefully that means things are on their way to getting started. I'll see my doctor this afternoon and - yee hah! - have one of those very pleasant late pregnancy pelvic exams to see what's going on.

As an aside, in the category of "crappy bedside manner" I want to nominate the sonographer who did my bpp yesterday. When we expressed great relief at baby's head-down status, she gleefully said, "doesn't mean he'll stay that way!"

WTF?!?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

i swear i am not making this up

Earlier this evening I was measuring Daughter for some new winter socks I'd like to make her. When I was done she took the measuring tape and proceeded to "measure" me and make little "notes" in her notebook. Then the following conversation took place:

Daughter: I have to measure Daddy when he's done mowing the lawn.

Me: Ok, sounds good.

D: I have to measure his belly.

Me: ?

D: Do you know why? Because I'm going to sew him a shirt!

Me: Oooh! Daddy will love that.

D: I'm going to sew him a white t-shirt. And it will have PINK letters on it!

Me: Oh? And what will the letters be?

D: H-O-T-T!

Me: (barely stifling hysterical laughter) Awesome!

D: Yeah, and he will wear it for work!

For the record, Daughter knows how to spell and write many, many words, but I'm 99.9% sure she had no idea what she was saying here, which makes it extra, extra funny.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

the plan

Well, no dice. If my stubborn baby does not turn himself around by next Tuesday or Wednesday (my next two appointments), we score ourselves a scheduled c-section.

Not my first choice, but given the alternatives, it is for the best. I have made peace with it, and now I'm just hoping I don't go into labor before we can schedule the procedure - I'd rather it be 'planned' than 'emergency.'

In the meantime, please think head-down thoughts for us! There's always a chance he could turn...

interesting...

Huh. Now this morning I am feeling what I would GUESS are feet slamming me under the ribcage. Unless my dear boy has turned completely upright and is currently "raising the roof," it could be that he has settled his head back down and is kicking upward. I definitely feel two distinct "hits" and I am hoping it is two feet.

Probably not, but a girl can dream. We'll see what the doctor says this afternoon.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

am i getting insufferable yet?

This morning I completed the tour de doctors at my OB's office. I see one particular doctor for my care, but any of the 4 in the practice could be at the hospital when I deliver, so I get to see them all toward the end of my pregnancies. Fun fact: "my" doctor hasn't delivered any of my babies yet. I'm hoping he will be there this time.

So this morning I saw the newest doctor, who happens to be a woman. She was nice enough, but appeared to be barely older than I am, and I didn't love her bedside manner. She informed me that we can either schedule an external cephalic version, or schedule a cesarean section for 39 weeks. My baby is not actually full breech right now - he is transverse (laying across my abdomen folded in half so his feet and head are pushing against my right side). So he could possibly turn by himself and get head-down. The ECV might work out because it is more likely to be successful with a transverse baby (rather than a baby that must be turned entirely around). If they do the ECV, it is done in the hospital and labor is induced at the same time to prevent the baby from flipping back. It can be painful and have complications, though, so if we do it I could very well end up with an emergency c-section. Barf. NOT my first choice.

This chick doctor was pretty into the idea of a scheduled c-section...she seemed to think that considering my history I might prefer it. Which, ok, I can see the benefit of a scheduled delivery, but she actually stated avoidance of the trauma of a vaginal delivery as one of the reasons.

Huh? How is being slit from stem to stern and having abdominal muscles cut and sewn back together less traumatic than a regular vaginal birth?? I had great recoveries from my previous deliveries and, despite my apprehension about the pain of labor, I was really looking forward to another good experience in that regard.

Oh well, when I explained that I have a 3 year old to care for as well, she made a face and admitted that the recovery is a bit long for a c-section. Well, duh.

Tomorrow I go back to meet with my regular doctor so we can discuss options. I know this probably sounds stupid to some people, but I really just wish someone would tell me what to do. I obviously want the safest thing for baby and for myself - I don't want it to be up to me, I want the doctor to say "this is what we're doing" and set it up.

More to come.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

not what i was hoping to hear

Sonographer: Sooooooo...does your doctor know your baby is breech?

Me: ..........

Hubs: ..........

Me: (tears flowing)

7 lbs, 2 oz, measuring 38 weeks 5 days, and facing the wrong damn direction.

Super.

Monday, August 11, 2008

this and that

Dear Son,

Please stop trying to push your way out butt-first through my belly button. That hurts.

Love,
Mom

*****

Well, as evidenced by my last post, I have my good days and bad days. That last post was on a very bad day indeed. I was in a lot of pain and really struggling. Baby is so low, and the underside of my belly actually aches and the skin hurts. I've never quite experienced that before so it's difficult to deal with, especially as I try to deal with an energetic 3 year old.

So I apologize for the bitching and moaning.

*****

Tomorrow is my baby girl's birthday. I'm struggling with that this year, more so than last. I'm not sure why that is, but it's a bit of a challenge to keep from crying just now. Exactly two years ago this minute I was lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by random people and machinery, absorbing the knowledge that the baby in my belly was no longer alive. I suppose that would make anyone cry, to think about how that might feel. I went through it, and I still don't know what to think - I find myself looking back in a detached state of wonder, like, how did I live through that?

But I did. And sometimes it still feels really fresh. Especially now, as I close in on my due date. I mean, the best and worst experiences of my life happen(ed) in the exact same place under almost identical circumstances. That's screwed up, man. And tomorrow, on her actual birthday, we will be at the same hospital for another biophysical profile of baby brother. Oy. Is it any wonder I'm an emotional basket case these days? For real.

*****

Here is what helps: knitting like mad and watching the Olympics. Seriously! How can you be sad while watching Michael Phelps? I was a competitive swimmer for many years and watching those Olympic swimming races brings it all back. So awesome to see such physical prowess. Plus, I cannot lie, the man is the HOTness. What? It's ok, I can say that, my husband openly ogles the beach volleyball players and I'm cool with that.

Also, chocolate chip cookies. Those help too.

Here is what I am racing to finish before baby arrives:


I made the identical blanket for Daughter in the days leading up to her birth, but her blanket is sage green because we didn't know she was definitely a girl. I'm into the third (and final) repeat of the pattern, hoping to get it done before I go into labor.

So. BPP tomorrow, then 37-week OB appointment on Wednesday, where we will find out if any progress is being made.

Friday, August 08, 2008

36.5 weeks and counting

Hello there. Still here. Still very, very pregnant.

I haven't been posting because I don't know what to say. I am quite uncomfortable and starting to get anxious and nervous about labor and delivery (well, not so much the delivery part as I'll be comfortably numb from the waist down by that point). Despite all our positive tests and examinations I remain on pins and needles about my baby and will feel that way until he finally arrives.

Time is dragging and flying by at the same time, if that is possible. It's making me crazy. Every twinge I feel sends me into a tizzy of "oh dear, what's that, is that pain? A contraction? What's happening? Is it time?" even though I know it is not yet time. Still, my bag is mostly packed and ready to go, just in case. Grandma and Papa are on alert to come get Daughter. The house is mostly clean and I'm focused on keeping up with the laundry as much as possible. I'm filling the freezer with simple-to-prepare foods and baked goods. There are juice boxes galore in the fridge so Daughter can serve herself in those first hazy days after baby arrives.

I'm ready. And yet I'm petrified. What's up with that?