Wednesday, December 03, 2008

rambling

Oooooh, people. Life is hectic.

I reached a new high yesterday...I ventured out to the library and WalMart with both of my children. It went ok, except it's hard to put much into a shopping cart with a baby carseat in it and a tall gangly 3 year old in the front.

I'm sad to say I've become a Hisser. You know exactly what I mean. I'm now the mom who screams really quietly at my child, who in turn has become That Child Who Will Never Be My Child out in public. You've seen this child...perhaps you have one. This is the child who drags herself across the filthy library carpet on her belly despite repeated hissings to stopitrightnow, or runs away in the parking lot despite a billion warnings that a car could come and squash her flat in a second. I am doing my best, I really am. But my best feels pretty crappy these days.

I am eating crow constantly, I must say. I always told people I wasn't nervous at all about having two children. What's the big deal? Practically everybody does it, and lots of families have many more than two. But then again, maybe not everyone has a son with special needs, who can't just be picked up and nursed while attending to the other child(ren), who has appointments at various offices and hospitals 1 to 3 times a week and physical and occupational therapy 4 times a week, who has to be monitored constantly so he doesn't choke on his own saliva.

On the upside, he hasn't been choking, and forgive me if I am repeating myself, but he no longer has to be on his monitor 24/7 - only when sleeping or out of our sight (like when riding in the car). And I haven't turned on that hideous suction machine in 3.5 weeks. My goal is to never use it ever again. I have researched feeding issues rather extensively and - no surprise - putting something like that in an infant's mouth and throat can lead to serious oral aversion. Anyway, he can cough really well now and clears his airway nicely, so things are improving, albeit at a glacial pace.

The adrenaline has worn off, though. I am starting to really hate waking up at 3 a.m. to feed my peacefully sleeping baby. I sure hope he gains acceptably so we can quit that miserable job. He packed on an ounce a day last week, so let's hope he keeps that up. Still, only 9 lbs, 7 oz at 3 months old is pretty lame. I worry about him so much.

I'm trying not to be selfish. But I am tired. So, so tired. My number one favorite thing to do right now is sleep. And I miss doing the things I like to do. I get to knit a few stitches here and there, but there's no chance of getting out my sewing machine for the foreseeable future...and I want to! My fingers itch to whip up Christmas gifts and quilts and clothes for my kids. I want to blog about fun stuff, and take nice photos to post. I want to have fun and be happy but life feels like 99% work, 1% enjoyment just now.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh. This too shall pass.

7 comments:

Jenn said...

An ounce a day is great! I'm glad you haven't had to use the bad machine - sounds like things are really improving!

Karen said...

The "perfect" words escape me and if they hadn't they would sound trite and pointless anyway.

You're still in my thoughts and prayers all the time. I wish I could do more, friend.

Lucia said...

As best I recall there was a huge difference between one kid and two... and both of mine were big, healthy babies with no feeding issues (unless you count feeling like you have a baby permanently attached at the boob, which probably sounds pretty good to you right now). I got absolutely nothing done, and I was tired all the time. I cherished the words of a friend who has two daughters 13 months apart: remember, you can't get less than nothing done. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone.

In short, from where I sit, you're not selfish, you're normal.

Mrs Lemon said...

Yay for you even attempting to take a trip out by yourself with 2 kids! You are a rock star, and your children will rise up and call you blessed.

That is what the scripture says, right?

Shari said...

I found the transition from 1 to 2 the absolute hardest. You are completely normal and soon things will start to feel normal.

Hang in there, things will get better, I promise!

HangerMom said...

I love that you can end it with "This too shall pass" because I think it shows you're managing to cope. For all the stress and sleep deprivation right now, you know it will pass and it's all to a good end. I'll keep praying for you!

Even with an easy baby, sleep is my #1 favorite thing these days. Honestly, it has been ever since we took on my sister's kids and my work load in the house more than doubled. So I hear you. It is exhausting, and some days I feel like the worst mom alive despite my best efforts, but I know I'm doing everything I can to raise all six kids well (even when they're acting like no one has ever taken the time to discipline them). I try to remember that someday they'll be grown and I'll be retired and sleeping in or at least napping regularly!

Ruth said...

Life with more than one + an infant is hard and hectic and exhausting even WITHOUT all the other stuff you're dealing with. From where I sit, you're coping beautifully.

Daughter sounds very Three, and Three is very trying. Some soto voce hissing won't hurt her.

Young'un used to dash away from me in the parking lot all the time, too. The only thing I could get him to respond to was "The Parking Lot Song", a little ditty of my own creation, which I will share with you in hopes that Daughter, too, will listen to singing better than words. The lyrics, such as they are:

We hold our hands in the parking lot
That's what keeps us safe!
We hold our hands in the park-ing-LOT
That's what keeps us safe

(make up your own tune)

Hang in there. You're doing fine.