anyone remember this one?

Ahhh, this old chestnut! It's baaaaack...

I love this quilt...it's so purdy. And it's so OLD. I pieced this dumb thing before Daughter was even conceived, which was 2004, so we're talking 5 years now. I pinned it, got ready to quilt it, then got hit with morning sickness the likes of which I did not know existed. Then I picked it up and put it down a bunch of times, went through several ideas on exactly how I wanted to quilt it, and finally, after packing it around dishes in it's unfinished state for our move, I decided IT WAS TIME.

Really, moving to a new home is an excellent way to goose yourself into finishing stuff. I hauled more ufos to this house than I should have.

So anyway, the quilt! It is quilted! I sucked it up, got out the blue painters tape, and quilted this in a diagonal grid pattern, using every other intersecting seam as my guide. Which makes no sense to you, reading this, but it basically means I made about a 2.5 to 3" grid pattern with the quilting. I wish I knew how to stipple, or could afford to have my quilts professionally quilted, because stippling would have been really nice here. But a grid does the job.

Now it just needs to be bound, washed, and dried, and this pretty, pretty log cabin will go into use. Daughter has asked that it go on her bed. Be still, my heart! Of course, my love, of course.

(More, better quality pictures once it is totally finished...)

3

Happy birthday, sweet baby. I miss you every day.



(Baby's quilt now hangs over my cedar chest at the end of our bed.)

sick day

I am sitting here, watching Dr. Phil (laaaaaaaaame!) and working my way through a box of kleenex, listening to my babes cough and toss restlessly as they try to nap.

We are sick. Boo. :(



(Quilt made in 2003 or 2004 using Nancy Halvorsen's "Charms" line...matching pillow in foreground, two coordinating pillowcases and two coordinating valences exist as well.)

here

Ah, so another month goes by. Time flies even as it crawls.

I haven't posted because my mom once told me if I don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. But today I'm just going to say whatever I want.

I wake up each morning in a cloud of sleepy, crabby fog. I'm not sleeping well, partly due to AJ waking several times each night. His teeth are finally coming in, and one of his ear tubes has fallen out, so his ear canals are refilling with fluid. He is in constant discomfort, if not outright pain, and it causes him to wake up crying and digging at his ears. I've tried tylenol, not sure if it has helped or if I've just gotten lucky on the nights he's slept well. (Tubes are being replaced, but not until August 21.)

I then spend my days racing the clock. AJ has to have his first feeding between 8 and 9, which causes some difficulty when he decides to sleep past 8. An 8 ounce feeding that would take a "normal" baby about 1/2 hour to drink takes anywhere from 45 minutes to 1.5 hours for my son, through his g-tube. He retches terribly when the formula hits his stomach in the morning, and we have to go very, very slowly so he can digest with some relative comfort.

Then he has to be back in bed for a morning nap between 9:30 and 10:00, or I will miss my window, he will become overtired, and he will not sleep. Then I have to hope he wakes on his own before noon, preferably at 11:30, so we can get started on lunch. Because he won't really eat any solids, we need another full hour to complete another 8 ounce tube feed, and time to vent the air from his belly (meaning we leave the tube open for about 15-20 minutes). He does sit in the booster and nibble a few cheerios, take maybe 3 sips of water from a cup, and maybe occasionally dip a teething biscuit in some baby food and taste it. But he definitely does not "eat." So we race through as best we can, rushing to complete lunch and digest in time for therapy, which is 4 days per week at 1:30.

Truth be told, I'm not even sure he NEEDS all this therapy, as he is now crawling, standing with assistance, performing all the "skills" a baby his age should be, etc. The only things he is not doing are pulling to a stand (which Daughter did not do either, until she was much, much older...like 14 months maybe?), and eating. I don't know that we need two days of PT and two days of OT every week for these issues. But I am scared to change his treatment and then, several years down the road, have a problem and question why we didn't take advantage of all this free therapy.

But this schedule is a real bummer for us as a family. Daughter is suffering through it, more than any of us. She can't go anywhere or do anything in the mornings, except maybe play outside a little, or race to the grocery store with me between 9 and 9:30, which is our only real window of opportunity Monday through Thursday. When AJ has his therapies, she is constantly being told to sit down and be quiet or find something to do to keep busy. She doesn't understand what these ladies are doing at our house every day - to her they are coming to play with her little brother, but no one comes to play with her. So she becomes a real attention hound during his sessions, and ends up driving everyone nuts. Also as a result of this, she works extra hard to get my attention, both positive and negative. Lots of times...negative.

I try to take the kids to the playground when it is nice, immediately following therapy. We have roughly from 2:30 till just about 4:00, then have to get the baby back in for afternoon nap and feeding. If I don't get him fed between 4 and 5, I will have to make his night feeding even later, meaning I get even less sleep. And then of course there is making dinner and somehow keeping the 4 year-old from destroying something while I work. After that it's cleaning up from dinner, bathing the kids (which thank God we can now do at the same time...AJ can sit up in the big tub now), herding them toward bed, reading stories, preparing formula and feeding tubes, feeding the baby, and then perhaps knitting for 15 minutes before crashing hard.

Somewhere in there I do the laundry, keep the house relatively clean, make sure there is food in the fridge and cupboards, make Hubs' lunches each morning, take a shower, make the beds...

I don't know. It's not exactly the life I ordered. Perhaps I am selfish in wanting a bit more down time, a bit more time for some quiet with my own thoughts, more time for life to proceed naturally rather than following this insanely regulated schedule. Is it any wonder I am not blogging? What the hell am I to blog about? I'm psyched when I have time for knitting or sewing, but there's never a moment to take a photo or compose an entire post about a project I've completed. Life is a series of tasks to complete right now, and I pretty much just move from one to the next. I'm tired and cranky, and sometimes bitter and resentful too.

And everyone says it will get better, it will get easier...but the fact is that it may not. We may get used to this life, but that doesn't mean it will be better or easier for any of us. Right now I am beside myself trying to figure out what to do about preschool for Daughter. She should go, she really should. But it's expensive, for one thing, and for another, how am I supposed to get her there each morning? I look at trying to get AJ out the door in the morning and it practically throws me into a panic. Because his morning feeding makes him physically ill, and because we cannot move the times around or he won't meet his daily caloric requirements, I can't just pick him up, throw him in the car and go. It doesn't work that way for us. But Daughter can't sit in the house for another entire winter just waiting for AJ's schedule to allow her a few brief moments of attention and playtime. I have to think of something.

Anyway. That was long-winded. Just thought I should say something in case anyone was wondering where I've been. I'm here, always here. Just...well, busy is an understatement. But I am here.

let this be a lesson to you

Got the call from our attorney tonight giving us the final amount we have to bring to closing tomorrow.

And it was the wrong number! As in, off by thousands!

This attorney held the funds from the sale of our old home (with our permission, of course) to put toward the purchase of our new home. She also credited us her fee at that time for both transactions. However, the number she called me with tonight did not take those figures into account. I had to ask her exactly how those funds that she withheld would be handled...and she got confused and had to "look up my file." She then called me back with a much nicer number.

So this is just to say, ASK QUESTIONS. Don't just automatically trust someone because they are a lawyer or whatever. It can really make a difference!

looking for laffs

Ok. So. We are busily prepping to move all our crap from disparate locations to our new home this week/weekend (stuff in storage, stuff at my parents' house, lawn mower at my in-laws' house [don't ask]), AFTER we clean out the house that has been rented by a single guy and is therefore caked with filth, and I am in desperate need of levity.

I found it. Go here and view OHMommy's video blog of her drive to Chicago with three kids. Awesome.

stashbusting

I kind of don't like that word..."stashbusting." It just sounds corny to me. But it is the best description of what's been going on around here lately. AMAZING what you can make out of what's already there. I haven't bought yarn (other than to fulfill etsy orders) in months. And I don't need to, either.

Let's browse through the items I've been able to make. My itchy twitchy fingers have been busy as I wait for my new house to close. To calm my nerves throughout the process, I've been knitting. Boy howdy, have I been knitting!

First up, a baby gift for my husband's boss. They have two elementary age boys and gave it one more go, and they are having a wee girl. So exciting! I had to whip something up.
Knitting pure & simple neck-down baby cardigan in size 6 months, plus a hat of my own "design" (meaning I didn't follow any particular pattern, just winged it). The yarn was part of a clearance purchase at Joann's last summer...it is 100% wool, worsted weight and very soft, from their Sensations line, but I can't quite remember the actual yarn name. I do remember that it was $.99 per ball. Frugal!

Next up, a sweater for Daughter to wear this coming fall, again from Joann's clearance yarn.

This is a top-down raglan, made using the "raglans unlimited" pattern that I've posted about before. Nice pattern because it goes from a toddler size 2 up to a men's size 52 chest, but fiddly because they call for the sleeves to be knit flat and seamed, and also they expect you to use teeny needles for the ribbing, which I think looks way outdated and ridiculous. I used larger needles than called for and my ribbing still pulls in a bit much for my taste. Good pattern, just needs some tweaking.

Anyway, it's moda dea washable wool in raspberry, only 3 skeins which were $1.98 each. CHEAP sweater! Oh, and the buttons? Yeah, that's what happens when you let the 4 year-old choose. Oh well, they had to be huge because the buttonholes are huge in this pattern (another change I will make when using this pattern again). No chance of anyone accidentally picking up this sweater and taking it home.

And something for the little man:

I still don't know how I feel about this one. Ugly? Not sure.

In an effort to use up stash, I had to combine colors, so this is the knitting pure & simple top down hoodie, size 18 months, knit in Wool-Ease worsted weight. The colors are denim and charcoal gray. Both leftovers I dug out of the bag 'o scrap yarn. Still need to weave in the ends on this one, but there is time. It's quite large and intended for this coming fall/winter for AJ. If nothing else, it will be good for playing outside in autumn leaves and dirt!

And finally, I've been knitting up some soakers from my wool leftovers.
These have sold fairly well in my etsy shop, but I may keep the ones I'm currently making for AJ. These are Patons Classic Merino in various colors, size 6-12 months.

Backstory: I have been using prefold cloth diapers and Gerber vinyl pants because they work and are cost effective. I have some lovely higher quality covers (thank you again Karen!!) but I really can't justify buying the pricier covers for my son. He is my last and I don't see any family members doing cloth diapers in the future, so I'm going for inexpensive covers. HOWEVER, the "new and improved" Gerber pants totally suck it. They are made of some new thing called "peva" and are now much more flimsy and low quality than they were in the past. I have put my finger right through several pair while pulling them up over a diaper, and the side seams have come apart just through normal use and washing. They are total crap, and I wrote to Gerber to tell them so! They are sending me a postage paid envelope so I can send them the ripped pair I have, but I have thrown away several ripped pairs. I will tell them that and hopefully be reimbursed for all of them, but it's not the money...I just wish they would make a quality product again!

Anyway, in light of the fact that I can't seem to stop accidentally ruining the Gerber pants, I have decided to give wool soakers another go. So I think I will keep on knitting them up, keep some, and put some in the shop. They are like the potato chips of knitting...can't knit just one! They are easy, addictive, and can be worked on while watching children play on beautiful summer days.

So that's what's recently come from the stash. I thought I wouldn't have much knitting time this year, but as of today I've finished 19 items...almost entirely from stash! I've completed 1 pair of longies, 10 soakers, 4 pair of socks, 4 (child size) sweaters, and 1 hat. Not bad.

And after AJ's therapist leaves this afternoon:

Ahhh, summer.

boring

Ay-yi-yi, my life is so weird. I feel so busy every day, like I never have a second to sit down and relax, and yet, when evening comes and I collapse into bed, I feel I've accomplished approximately nothing.

Our old house finally closed last week. It took one whole extra month from the date in our sales contract, which sucks out loud, and it was all because our buyer changed lenders and didn't tell anyone. &#^*#^$!!!!!!

We are in the process of gathering up all the required paperwork for our new house purchase so we can hopefully close on that by the end of the month. I am so not looking forward to the work of moving in to a new house, but I am looking forward to being in our own home again.

The wee lad is doing better every day. He is on the cusp of crawling, needs a haircut really badly, weighs in at 17 lbs, 11.5 oz, and is a whopping 29" long. A tall drink of water to be sure. Tall and skinny runs in the family, so I guess that's ok.

Just when I am getting really down about his eating ablities, he surprises me. Today he picked up and fed himself at least 6 cheerios without choking on any. Gummed them apart and swallowed them all...I didn't have to reach in and snag a single cheerio from the back of his throat. You don't know what a miraculous accomplishment this is. He also willingly ate (i.e. opened his mouth for) several mouthfuls of baby oatmeal. Again, miraculous. Of course, tomorrow he will probably lock his little mouth shut and refuse everything. *sigh* It's an emotional roller-coaster around here. I am doing my best.

That's it, really. Just knitting in whatever free time I can scrounge. Taking care of kids. Doing laundry, washing dishes, etc. Normal life stuff. Boring.

frugal footwear

Before I totally lose any street cred I once had as a knit blogger, I figure I should show you some actual knitting.

I recently declared that I would be much more frugal with my knitting and sewing for the foreseeable future. So I'm putting my money where my mouth is:


Matchy-matchy socks for me and Daughter! Aren't they cute?

I am all about trying new sock yarns that I can afford, and I got this Joann Sensations "soles and more" with two coupons and a Christmas gift card. (As an aside, whenever I see this brand of yarn at my local Joann's, I want to say it with jazz hands..."sen-SAAAAYYYY-shuns!" Ok, so I am a loser. What can I say?)

Anyway, two skeins of yarn made two pair of socks, with my Daughter's choice of navy blue solid for the toes. I knit mine in my usual way, 60 stitches on size 2 needles, top-down. Daughter's are knit with my usual 48 stitches on size 2 needles, but hers are toe-up.

I have a love/hate relationship with toe-up socks. I want to love them, but all that wrapping and turning and trying to avoid holes makes me crazy. However, if you are trying to be frugal and use up what you have, toe-up is the way to go, because you can just knit till you run out of yarn. I figured I wouldn't have quite enough to make two complete socks for her, so I had her choose a solid toe color. I could have made it with just the leftovers, but the socks would have been a little skimpy. I prefer she have taller socks for our chilly Buffalo winters.

Once I finished these, my immediate urge was to head out and check out the local Michael's store, which is totally revamping its yarn department this spring. I know there are some major bargains to be found...but then my allergy to spending kicked in, and I used my cash to get some groceries for the week instead.

As for right this minute, AJ is sleeping, Daughter is at the playground with my mom, and I have a sweater to finish for Hubs' boss and his wife, who are expecting a baby girl this summer. It's yet another Knitting Pure and Simple neck-down cardigan (I think I have made at least a dozen of those by now)...and it is knit from stash yarn, of course. It's a stunningly beautiful day, too, so I think I'll park it outside with my tea and my needles and just enjoy a few precious minutes to myself.

going green

Home inspection went well, all is moving along. Still waiting on the clown attorneys to set an official closing date for our old house, but they assure us all is well and it will be "soon." Did our mortgage application last week, now we just sit on our bottoms and wait. In NY it takes anywhere from 30 days to (supposedly) 60 days to close on a house, but we are at about 75 and counting on our old house. It is up to the purchaser's attorney and the bank attorney to set everything up; we will basically be the last to know when it's a go. What a pain. Oy.

Anyway, on to the point of this post - going green. No, it is not a post about being all granola-crunchy-tree-huggy. Not at all. It is a post about CASH. Cold, hard, green cash.

I have decided to quit the credit card habit except in the case of pumping gas (so I won't have to drag 2 kids into a gas station every time I fill up). Our new home will be so much more expensive than our old one that we need to keep the budget tighter than ever. I've recently developed the strong opinion that going to a cash-only system for our purchases will help us with that. Hubs disagrees - he believes you can "track" your purchases better with a credit card...but I believe you can use cash and when it's gone, that's it. You know what you bought when you had to think about it carefully and give up the green.

Today, I proved the point to myself. I took out some actual green cash money at the ATM, and went shopping for the groceries I needed. It was amazing how fast that money disappeared, and I only bought the bare minimum. Normally I would have purchased more. Then, this afternoon, I swung by walmart because that's the only place in town that sells any kind of teething biscuit. I had plans to buy the biscuits and beat feet out of there, but you know walmart. That place (and Target) are like heroin to me...I browse around, just checking stuff out, looking for sales, etc.

Today I found, and PASSED UP:

Large spools of coats & clark thread on clearance for $.75 each
Plain, solid-color tee shirts in my son's size for $2.50 each
Gerber undershirts that I've kind of been wanting for AJ, but did not need for $7.00
Fabric, ooooooh fabric
Yarn and yarny accessories
Sewing patterns
Adorable buttons for knitting/sewing projects

And there was probably more. I mean, I had two spools of that thread in my hands, in neutral colors, perfect for sewing just about anything...and then my brain slapped me upside the head. Did I really NEED those threads? In a year or two or three when I finally broke them out and used them, would I even care that I got them for $.75? Do I want to store them for that long before I need them? Gosh, no wonder I have so much crap! I am a credit card junkie crack whore*! Seriously! In the not-too-distant past I would have totally loaded up on those threads for that price. I would certainly have grabbed a few tee shirts for the kids. But when my brain asked me if I wanted to hand over actual green cash money for that stuff? WOW. Wowwy, wow, wow.

I can't believe I've gotten to this point. Remember when you babysat in high school and you were so psyched to have like, $50 in cash to spend at the Gap? And you were careful(ish) about what you bought, because that was all the money you had and when it was gone, it was gone.

I have forgotten how to live like that.

Today at walmart I walked out with a box of biter biscuits, 4 jars of baby food, and one pair of white socks that my son actually desperately needs. My total was $4.47 because I was paying CASH. If I had been using plastic? That total would have easily been $15-$20. And you know what? It truly hurt to hand over that $5 bill! Because hey, guess what, now it's gone!

This is going to be a painful experiment, I can tell. But I think it's going to be successful in the long run. If I can get my husband to play along, and so far he is but it's only been a few days, well then we might actually get somewhere with paying down debts and sticking to our budget.

*We pay our bill off every month, though. Never carry a balance, never pay fees/interest charges. But shoot, how does it get up over $1000 each month? And what the heck did I buy on those 4 trips to Target? I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

in which i am prevented from indulging in one of my hobbies

Well, our home inspection is scheduled for this afternoon, so I guess this is really happening. Holy moly. I am so anxious and nervous and nauseated and scared...oh, and excited. But mostly those other things. Oy.

I think I'll take Daughter over during the inspection so she can check out her new digs. We might as well go all-out and measure some windows, too, so I can see if my old window treatments will work or if I have to make some new ones.

I have the strongest urge to sew stuff just now. I especially want to make a wee quilt for my boy, as I did not make one before he was born. Unfortunately, my fabric stash is in bins and hidden away at the very back of a storage unit. Frick. Would it be wrong to take some of our precious savings and go to Joann's for a few yards of fabric? *sigh* Yes, I guess it would be wrong, considering how much fabric I already own. Frickety-frick!

new house

Holy crow, it seems we've purchased a new house.

We still have to close this week on our OLD house, but our agent assures us everything is now in place and they just have to schedule the meeting to sign the paperwork. Aargh! I wish they would hurry it up.

But anyway, we got this swingin' 60s split level, right smack in the middle of the town we want, the schools we want, the shopping, our families, etc, etc...it's truly everything we are looking for, updated and nice. We will just have to buy a fridge and a new sofa (the old ones were not fit for human use any longer), and move on in. The guy was asking a price well above our upper limit, so we went back and forth a couple times before finally saying, look, this is our highest price, we understand if you can't meet it. And guess what? Dude met our price. We got the hizz-ouse!

Note, though, that I said he met our highest price. We are going to be somewhat house-poor for awhile as we adjust to this new mortgage situation in a few months. So expect to see me heading back into seamstress mode as I sew up lots of dresses and jumpers for Daughter, and simple pull-on pants for both kids. I expect you'll also see plenty of kid socks made from the scraps of socks I've knit in the past, mixed with solid heels/toes to stretch the stash. (That is, if I ever get it in gear and take some photos.) We'll be up against it making this new lifestyle work, and the budget will not be large for clothes! I was moaning about my fabric and yarn stashes when we were moving out of our old house, but now I'm feeling awfully thankful to have all those supplies.

Well, anyway, we still have to go through the whole inspection process and mortgage application and all that crapola, so it will be awhile before anything really happens. But I feel pretty excited that things are moving forward. It will be kind of scary, and kind of financially tight, but we will be putting our lives back together, and that feels very good indeed.

good job!

Yesterday I fell down the stairs. Of course it was while I was carrying my baby. My foot went out from under me on the landing and I fell down the last 4 steps, bouncing on my tailbone all the way. I smashed both forearms, the left on the steps and the right on the railing/banister. But I think, other than a wee tiny bump against one of the banister posts, that my son escaped unscathed. It scared the bejeebers out of him, as evidenced by the crying, but that might have been related more to the scream I let out than the actual fall.

Today I have a huge bruise on my butt, bruises on both arms, my back aches, my right leg is kind of tingly, and I can't quite turn my head to the left. It sucks, but overall I am pretty amazed that I was able to protect my son as well as I did. It could have been much worse.

So, you know. Awesome. Good job, mom.

random things

Last night, my now 4 year old daughter read me "green eggs and ham" in its entirety. It took a solid half-hour, running her little finger under each and every word, but she read that entire g-d book to me.

How am I supposed to find a preschool for this child?!?

***

Still haven't gotten a solid closing date from the peeps buying our house. We've moved our crappe out, signed all the papers on our end, and now we are just.............waiting. The anxiety is going to give me an ulcer. Please don't let this fall through, Lord.

In related news, I still haven't found a house I can afford in the area where we want to live that ISN'T a dump. Or 1000 square feet. Hubs has found us several foreclosures that are 2500 square feet-ish, but neither of us has the ability or the inclination (or the funds, actually) to make the necessary repairs these homes would need. Yes, the huge square footage is tempting, but replacing the siding that the former owners apparently used for target practice, or the windows that were installed in 1973, or the 3 layers of kitchen floor, or the rotting deck, etc, etc. is not really within the realm of possibility.

It's kind of like saying we'll quit shopping for clothes and I will make my family's entire wardrobe from now on. Yeah, it's physically possible and technically feasible, but come on. I don't have all the necessary ability, it would be hella-expensive (compared to my usual Kohl's/Target/Old Navy bargain hunting) and I would have to spend all my free time sewing from now until eternity. We would all end up irritated, naked, and miserable. So, too, with a ratty foreclosure. We just can't make it happen.

So that leaves me with trying to squirrel away as much money as possible, praying for extra side work for Hubs, and praying for the miracle of some sort of bargain house that's in the 1700-1800 square foot range, doesn't need mega repairs, and falls within our price range. Fun!

***

My sweet, darling baby boy is not eating much. I've been in a constant state of worry and anxiety for months over this, but now that he is approaching 8 months of age, the worry is ramping up. He is growing and gaining on his formula and breastmilk diet, but almost entirely refuses the bottle, and only eats a few nibbles of cereal or pureed foods. He seems to enjoy a teething biscuit occasionally, and will play with a sippy cup but doesn't drink anything. I hope and pray that we are able to look back one day and say, "ha, remember when he had that feeding tube and that's how we had to feed him all the time? phew, glad that's over!" but we are nowhere near that yet. It makes me kind of sad.

***

At least I have a chicken roasting in the oven, a happy child playing with little people in the family room, a sweet baby napping upstairs, and some knitting to curl up with.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.

where am i?

Are you serious? I haven't posted since March 22nd? Well, we are in the midst of closing on our house, and my husband is harassing the hell out of me to find a new home ASAP, and I'm working through a few complications with my son's feeding issues, and desperately trying to figure out what to do about preschool for Daughter considering I don't know where we will be living come September...

In other words, I'm drowning. Just trying to hang on while also doing the everyday stuff of life. Blogging is obviously taking a waaayyyyyy back seat.

Hope everyone is having a nice Spring. I'll be in-and-out around here for the next several months as we sort our lives out and get settled in a new home.

moving stuff

We got our closing date for the sale of our hizz-ouse...it should be either April 23 or 24. So yesterday I started packing. Uuuuuugggghhh. I did A LOT, and my body now hates me for packing and carrying eleventy thousand books down from the second floor. Along with several bins of fabric, bins and boxes of sewing paraphenalia, bins and bags of Daughter's clothing (from birth to 3 years, oh my word that's a lot of clothing), and so on.

The house is 1.5 stories, so the second floor is really just one large room plus a half bath. The closet in the bath is empty, the closet in the room is empty, and most of our stuff is downstairs, packed and stacked and ready for a dolly to wheel it out. That's my plan...to have everything packed and stacked well before "moving day" so as to make things move more quickly. We've all had that sucky move where we're scrambling to pack up the last few things when the truck is already there, yeah? IT BLOWS. So I'm trying to avoid that.

Problem is, we are not living there and it is 45 minutes away, so getting out there and having time to do a lot of packing is challenging. Thank God for my parents, who watch the kids so we can get it done. I'll be heading out Friday, I think, to do the kitchen cabinets. Then again over the weekend to do, oh, I don't know...maybe one of the bedrooms. Luckily we've been moving some of our crap out piecemeal as we need it. So it's not going to be a totally hellish move. Just kind of hellish. As moves generally are.

Oh, I am so tired. There is much to do in the next 30 days or so.

And no, we don't have a new house picked out yet. We're going to hang out and save up a few more dollars for a bit, so we can buy more house and make a better downpayment. It's not the ideal situation, staying with my parents (we feel like losers, even though we're not, thank you very much), but we can really sock away some extra dough this way. We're trying to go from a cheap area to a very expensive area by sneaking in - perhaps a foreclosure or something - so our children can have a better life, basically. The schools where both our parents live are #1 in the area, and with a very bright preschooler and a baby who may or may not require services in the future, we really feel we need the best. So we're trying to shoehorn ourselves into a ritzy suburb even though we're not technically on the same financial footing as most of the residents. In a few years it should be so much better...I'll be able to go back to work, probably part-time, and we'll hammer down our debts. But it's going to be tight for the next 5 years or so.

Still, a better life for the kids. That's my focus and my goal. We have to do it for them, they deserve all we can possibly do for them. But wow, it is stressful and exhausting. I've taken to grinding my teeth...during the day. I can't wait for the time when I can start living my life again, rather than scratching and clawing my way through the days. That time will come, right? Please tell me that time will come.

hey, i thought this was a knitting blog

Wow, when was the last time I had a picture of some knitting on here? Good heavens. It has been awhile.

I've been pretty much knitting soakers for the Etsy shop, and socks. I'm on a major sock kick (ha! funny!) right now for some reason. Perhaps because I only knit TWO PAIR of adult socks in all of 2008. That's just ridiculous for me. I did knit 3.5 pair of child-size socks for Daughter, but that hardly counts. They are teeny.


This is the most recent pair I finished for her. The yarn was purchased last summer when I first discovered Red Heart's Heart & Sole sock yarn (I went on a bit of a buying spree because, hey, only like $2.50 with a coupon, awesome), and the socks were started when AJ was still in the hospital. I couldn't concentrate on anything more complicated at the time, and still they took months.

Heart & Sole sock yarn, I believe this is the "mellow stripe" colorway.
US size 2 Brittany Birch double pointed needles, two of which inexplicably broke during the knitting of these socks (yes I will be returning them as they are guaranteed).
Cast on 48 stitches, 2X2 rib for the leg, work heel flap, etc, etc, kitchener stitch toe. Couldn't be easier.

And for me:

These are some interesting socks. If by interesting you mean fugly. What a hideous colorway! This is "Lily Pad Multi" Knitpicks Essentials sock yarn, but I have named these my "Pond Scum" socks, because that is what they remind me of. Ugh!

The yarn came as part of a sock sampler that Hubs gave me for Christmas 2007. I thought it was about time I used some of that up! (Perhaps the reason for the sock knitting obsession these days...) Anyway, I would never have picked out this yarn on my own. It's gnarly.

The pattern is from Knitting Vintage Socks - which is not in the room with me so I can't recall the exact pattern name. Gentlemen's socks with lozenge pattern? Could that be it?

Here is a closeup:


I love the pattern. Very textured and it lends some interest to an otherwise boring old sock. I decided it's also time to start working my way through some of the umpteen pattern books I own. How many of you do what I do - just collect the darn books and look through them every once in awhile, but never actually use them to make stuff? How lame! Time to start putting these yarns and patterns to use!

I did modify the pattern a bit, as I will have to do for ALL of the socks in this book. I can't make it work with the tiny needles she recommends. I used a US 2 for these socks, and modified them down to 60 stitches, as I am not a gentleman and do not need 80+ stitches for my socks. They came out very nice and I will wear them, but boy are they ugly.

I've got some other projects in the works, and will try to post about them soon. The problem I have is finding the opportunity to take pictures. I'm definitely knitting...can't stop knitting...if the house were on fire I'd be all, "coming! Just let me finish this row!" But it's tough to blog about it for some reason. Just busy these days, I guess.

Things are going pretty well with the kids and stuff, though, so I'm slowly, slowly easing back into some normal life activities. I'm hoping blogging will come along as well.

feed me, seymour

Ok, so, that's interesting! It turns out NONE of us actually knows how to feed a baby! (joking)

Seriously, though, the comments to my last post were very interesting. And I understand all the people who were scratching their heads and trying to recall what they did when feeding their 6 month-old babies, because that's totally me with Daughter. I know I fed her. I know she liked the food - I managed to write that part down. And I have really sketchy info in the baby book about how she was eating at 8.5 and 10 months...but aside from a few photos of her in the high chair, I have no idea how I started her on solids. So, so frustrating.

And I know I will not do my son any harm by giving him minimal solids now - babies get most of their nutrition from breastmilk or formula for the first year anyway.

There are two things at play here, for me. One is that I subconsciously want to get rid of his g-tube as quickly as possible, and of course I refuse to believe that he might have to keep it for more than a couple of years. Possibly unreasonable, yes, but people, after what I have been through it is pretty reasonable for me to be unreasonable sometimes. I guess I am struggling with rushing him into eating regular foods/meals because I need to prove that he will be able to eat. It's a very tricky and emotional road to navigate when you have a child with a feeding tube, let me tell you.

And the other thing is that I am parenting my son under a medical microscope. He is constantly seeing medical professionals from many disciplines, and while my brain realizes this is totally ridiculous, I live with the constant fear that I will be "yelled at" by one of these doctor-types for doing something wrong.....not necessarily harmful, but somehow not in the best interest of my baby. So, for example, I am sorely tempted to dump one bottle (6 oz, or 144 calories) and replace it with two "food" meals (making up the calories with cereal/milk mix and fruits/veg). I have to believe this is the path Daughter went down - she could not have been nursing a total quantity of 30 ounces per day PLUS eating all the food she consumed. I just don't believe it. But the difference is, when you breastfeed, no one has any clue how much the baby is actually getting. You just have to go by their weight and general appearance and assume you're doing ok. With these infernal bottles and stinking g-tube, I have total accountability. There is no fudging or faking it. If he doesn't gain enough, it is totally on me. Talk about a tricky emotional road. Which is filled with potholes. And speedbumps. And is poorly lit, to boot. Ay-yi-yi.

Oh well, I guess I will continue to do the best I can. What else can I do? I just wish I felt more confident about it.

and again i am asking for your help

Changing tracks a bit here, I have a very important question for those of you who bottle-fed your children.

I am in a very weird place with trying to transition my son to eating solid foods. He loves the baby cereals and tolerates first foods (fruit and veg), and is just in the preliminary stages of trying a sippy cup. Yee haw.

The problem is, he is a little guy, still (just over 14 lbs at 6 months) and he can't take in the number of ounces of milk/formula recommended PLUS eat the amount of baby foods also recommended for his age. I have a chart that the feeding clinic and the pediatrician told me to follow, but it has my son ingesting 4-5 bottles per day at 6-8 ounces each, PLUS several tablespoons of cereal twice per day PLUS several tablespoons of first foods twice per day. Oh my gosh, he just can't hold all that food. I know he can't because he likes to eat, but turns away from the spoon if he is not hungry.

Now, the problem is that he is bottle fed, and not only that, he is also tube fed. He will drink about 1-2 ounces out of a 6 ounce bottle, then I put the rest through his g-tube. This ensures that he gets all the calories he needs for growth - otherwise he would be a 'failure to thrive' baby because he cannot ingest enough to maintain growth.

So if he were just breastfed on demand like Daughter, I would feed him solids at lunch and dinner, and then nurse him whenever else he fussed or was going down for naps/bed. Unfortunately I can't go that way, even subbing bottles for the nursing part, because he simply won't drink enough to sustain himself. So it's not like I can just wing it and not worry about the calories. I have to because he is essentially force-fed. Ugh.

I know he still needs the majority of his nutrition from milk and formula. However, I also want him to start to experience eating and regular meals with us. I just don't know how to get it all into him, though.

Anyway, all that aside, what I would like to know from the bottle-feeders out there is this: how did you go about starting solids with your children? My son wakes at 7 am, and goes to sleep at 8:30 or so at night, and I just can't figure out how to cram all this eating into the 12-ish hours he is awake during the day (aside from naps of course, which further complicate things).

When you bottle-feed, do you always automatically start the day with a bottle? Or did any of you go right to offering cereal and fruit for breakfast? If your child ate solids well at a meal, when did you then give a bottle? How many ounces of milk or formula were your babies drinking at 6 months? I would appreciate as much information as any of you can recall. Leave a comment or drop me an email (momwhoknits AT yahoo DOT com).

We go to feeding clinic again in 2 weeks, and I'm going to ask them to lay it out for me the way they think it should be done, with specific numbers of ounces and tablespoons and times, etc. I know they'll give me crappy, sketchy information like they always do. I just want to do the best I can for my son and I'm having such a hard time with this.

Any help anyone can offer me will be gratefully accepted. I'm really struggling.

unbelievable

Holy &*#$^*&@, the house passed inspection, and not only that, these people want to know how much of our furniture and which appliances we are willing to sell them.

Seriously???

I am so used to having shitty luck that I truly do not know how to handle this. I'm simply blown away. This is really happening. We are being released from the worst decision we have made as a couple and given a chance to move forward. God is good. I don't know what else to say.

best. news. ever.

Someone bought our house.

I'm scared to get too excited because the house still needs to pass inspection, but oh, it is hard not to get excited. I have been praying for this for so long. A better life for my children. Closer to family, friends, and everything. We have been through so much, and this feels like we are finally catching a break.

Thank you, God, for this blessing! Now please, please don't let it fall through...

winter doldrums

Hello, all. Still here. Cold. Bored. Listless.

Winter sucks. Especially with wee children. They take cabin fever to a whole new level.

There has been a bit of knitting.







Exciting, no? No, not really. These are for sale over on Etsy.

There's a sock in progress that I pick up and put down, knitting one or two rounds at a time. I'm still sort-of working on the big, boring off-white raglan I started a couple months back. Finished Daughter's stripey socks, finally, that were started before AJ made it home from the hospital (must remember to get photo...she put them on right after the ends were woven in, and wore them for two days straight). And I've knit about 1/3 of the back of a Trellis sweater for a baby girl due in May. I remember making one for Daughter - picked out the yarn at a local shop when she was just weeks old, riding in the Bjorn carrier. Can it be that was 3.5 years ago? Holy cow.

Anyway. Longing for more sunshine, warm breezes, longer days, and time outside. Can't wait to head to the playground and turn Daughter loose while AJ and I chill on a blanket. Soooooooo sick of winter.

tragedy

4 miles from where my babies lay sleeping.

stuff 'n stuff

Ugh, people. I am so busy, and yet I feel like I am doing nothing. February, oh February, with your long dark days and freezing temps...how you torture me.

Although, with a relatively new baby and an almost 4 year old, it is going by more quickly than usual. And the past few days have seen unseasonable "warmth" - temps in the 40s and even low 50s. All the snow pack that's been hanging around through a very, very bone-chilling January has melted off. Bad for those who dwell near creeks (ice jams=flooding, big time), great for those of us who just want to walk outside wearing fewer than 4 layers of clothing and outerwear.

Today, we took a walk.

We played in the dirty snow piles.


We thought about collecting these pinecones, till it was discovered that they are mushy and soft after months buried under snow.


We splashed around in puddles in giraffe boots.


And we pondered frightening lawn decor. Seriously, in the front yard? What the hell IS this thing? Ugh. Scary.

Well, winter will be back in full force by the weekend, so we enjoyed this jaunt around the block. Despite the 51 degree temperature reading on the stroller (it has time/temp), it felt very cold and damp. AJ zonked out in his heavy sweater and blanket cocoon, so we headed back to the house for cocoa and a fire in the fireplace. It certainly isn't Spring yet, but it was a nice reprieve!

blue screen of doom

My computer crashed.

It was the evil blue screen of doom...the one that informs you Windows will not start up because if it does surely a nuclear bomb will go off, or some equally horrifying thing. It wouldn't even restart in safe mode. I'm telling you, it was d.e.a.d.

Luckily I am married to a computer genius. His brain can do anything when it comes to a computer. Through the magic of Linux he was able to salvage my stuff, including, oh, just every single photograph ever taken of our children. We have discussed backing those photos up for the past 4 years, and now it's been done. Yikes. We'll be doing that more frequently in the future.

He was also able to rescue all my "important files," which in my world are my blog photos, patterns and pictures, scans of patterns, etc. And my budget spreadsheet. Don't know where I'd be without that.

So it looks like I'll still have most of my stuff, though I'll have to rebuild my blog list and go hunt down all the links I had bookmarked. Small price to pay to get my laptop lifeline back.

Gosh, remember when we didn't even have computers?

bday wrapup

Thanks for the nice birthday wishes. 33 feels kind of yucks right now - somehow the odd numbered years make me feel older. I mean, I feel fine, no different from a few days ago when I was still 32. It's just the number that makes me twitch a little!

Hubs sent me 100 multicolored sweetheart roses on behalf of the children. They are stunning! And then we went to the Olive Garden for dinner with some friends. With NO CHILDREN. It was so lovely to sit and eat my dinner in peace without having to cut anything up for anyone else, or discipline anyone, or comfort any crying, or keep anyone occupied while we waited for a table. (As an aside, crappy economy my arse! We waited 20 minutes for a table on a freezing cold Monday night at 6:30!)

Anyway, it was good. The friends we dined with are about 6 months pregnant with their first baby, so we regaled them with tales of new-parenthood all night. Isn't that the way it goes? You get out without your children, and then you do nothing but talk about them all night. Laaaaaaaame.

There has been a smidgen of knitting, and even a little sewing - well, preparation for sewing, anyway - so I will try to get some photos taken in the next couple of days. Right now it's time to prepare lunch, get AJ down for some rest before the therapist du jour shows up, shovel the front walk so said therapist doesn't wipe out, fold the diapers coming out of the dryer, clean up a little so the therapist doesn't think we're animals, and oh, feed myself and sit still for twelve seconds.

33

handknits in the wild

I can't believe this sweater fits him already. Seemed so impossibly huge when I finished it...



(Karen, if you squint, you can recognize the outfit!)

audacity, hope, etc

In a fit of insanity, I cast on for a wool soaker yesterday during the few precious moments when both of my children were napping.

I figure I can try to get it done before D-day...Feb. 10, when the CPSIA law takes effect. Though I am pretty confused about the act itself. If I leave this product listed in my Etsy shop after the 10th, will I be immediately fined? Is some person out there, ready and waiting to pounce on all the cottage industry folk?


And further, are all the childrens' products in all the stores already tested and ready to go? Or will we walk into Target on February 10 and see them ripping clothes and toys off the racks to be destroyed (or tested)? Are companies all falling in line to get their products tested? Will I be able to find and/or afford summer clothing for my children? And what about things like fabric on the bolt? Can I go to Joann's and get cottons for my children to wear, at a reasonable cost? Or will each yard cost twice as much because it had to be tested?

I am hopeful that this act will be reviewed and changed to be more reasonable. I applaud the government's efforts to protect children, but come on. And until then, I will knit away, in the hope that I can continue to produce and sell a few things here and there.

progress!!

This will not sound like much to most of you, but we have achieved several little victories around here and I really want to shout them from the rooftops. But it is too cold outside. So I will shout them here:

The boy is regularly holding his head up in the prone position, up on his elbows, and turning his head from side to side!

He is mowing down small bowls of rice cereal like a lumberjack and crying for more!

Tonight he took HALF a feeding orally (Dr. Brown's preemie flow bottles, I love you!) - the most he has ever consumed via his wee mouth!

I really, really needed some good things to happen, and my prayers are being answered. I know AJ will do great, all in good time, all in God's time. But I am impatient! And when I see these little steps accomplished, I am so grateful. Remember, my poor baby did not eat anything orally for 6 weeks in the hospital, and we didn't know if he ever would. The fact that he will not only swallow cereal, but swallow it with ease and cry for more? Nothing short of a miracle in our eyes.

Nothing short of a miracle.

r.i.p. Ella

Last night my in-laws had to make the difficult decision to put our old dog to sleep. I'm not a dog person, and it's really because of me that they've had her for the last 2+ years, but still, it is kind of sad.


This is Ella eyeballing Daughter about 3 years ago.

She has struggled with pancreatitis for several years, and though she was just 9 years old, she was very sick. I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore. Rest in peace, Ella.

possibly the most boring knit ever

When we went to our feeding clinic appointment last week, I asked, as always, if AJ is now big enough that I can cease feeding him every night (or morning, rather) at 3:00. I want to be clear - if he were waking up crying for food at that hour, I would have no problem with getting up. The thing is, he doesn't wake. I set my alarm, get up, feed him in his sleep, and collapse back into bed. The whole process takes around 20 minutes, but you'd be surprised how much that 20 minute interlude in my sleep takes a major toll.

Unfortunately, we still need to keep working on his weight. So unless I can work the extra 4.5 oz of milk into the other 5 daily feeds, I have to keep getting up. And since he can't quite handle the necessary volume to do that, I'm stuck.

Enter: the most boring of knits. The plain stockinette, top-down raglan sweater. This sweater is the antithesis of what I love to knit (complicated cables), but it is working out great to keep me awake at 3:00 a.m.


Also, in keeping with my desire to save some money (see previous post), I am using up the Patons Decor yarn I got last summer for $.98 per skein. This is going to be a big, loose, hopefully cozy, totally washable sweater for me. I wasn't planning on this for myself this year, but I needed something easy to work on in the dark.

The pattern is great - it's old and kitschy and easy enough to follow:

Raglans Unlimited! Oh, the raglan possibilities! Just look at those hipsters, modeling their raglans. I mock it, but dudes, this pattern book was $2.00 brand new, and has patterns for any kind of raglan sweater you could want (crew necks, v-necks, turtlenecks, cardis, pullovers...the possiblities are, well, unlimited!), and it goes from toddler size 2 up to a 52 inch chest. I'm not sure where my mom got this copy - she thinks she got it about 20 years ago from an older lady who was kind of her knitting mentor at the time. It's good stuff.


But you'd better have good eyesight if you're gonna use it.

Ahhh, I hear crying children. Gotta run. See ya at 3 a.m.

debt snowball

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching in the past year or so about finances and debt. I have talked a bit about money on the blog, but I don't usually say much except to complain about not having enough. Then I recant and say that we do have enough and I should just shut up and be grateful we're not sleeping on the sidewalk.

Here's the thing - I obsess about money. I really do. Not because I want lots of it to buy stuff, honestly, that is NOT it at all. I really don't even like shopping, I avoid malls, and grab steals online from Old Navy a few times a year to clothe my family. I obsess about money because I have come to hate debt with a raging, fiery passion.

With the latest economic news being so grim and bleak, I have just become angrier and angrier that some fat cat at the top of the heap is taking home millions of dollars while we scrape up student loan, mortgage, and car payments every month. Yes, we have enough to pay them. However, at the rate we are paying them, we will finish paying off our student loans - are you sitting down? - one year before Daughter starts college. That is disgusting!

I will go further and disclose somewhat accurate financial info for reference. Hubs and I are both paying off just over 20K in student loans each. Mine is from graduate school, his is undergrad. Mine has a better rate, so is disappearing almost twice as quickly, even though the amount paid on mine is lower than his each month. Our car was purchased new last April at 0% financing so we could avoid paying interest on a loan. It is now 1/4 paid for (yay!) but the monthly payment to achieve this is very high.

I wish I had come to my current feelings several years ago, before we had children. I wish I had shoved more money towards paying down those damned student loans. Now I literally cringe each day as I think of the interest piling up between payments. I've started throwing a little more toward the principal payment on Hubs' loan since his is at the higher rate, and it's helping a bit, but progress is glacial.

Enter...the debt snowball. Have you all heard of this? It's pretty cool. You can tailor the calculations to your own situation, put in the amount you have available to pay towards debt, and the website will calculate the amount of time it will take you to pay everything off. The basic idea is this: you pay off the highest interest loan first, then when that falls away, take that money and add it to the minimum payment on the next-highest-interest-rate loan. You carry on like this, paying the same amount of money each month no matter what, until your debts are all gone.

In my case, we would pay only the minimum payments on the car and my loan, but put any extra we can towards Hubs' loan. Once the car is paid off in two more years or so, we have to take the amount of the car payment and add it to Hubs' loan payment. Make sense? Ostensibly, this should be no problem because we will be used to paying that amount each month anyway. Then, once his loan finally goes away, in just a few short months mine will be gone also, because the car payment and his loan payment will become a part of MY loan payment.

If we do it right, and stick with the current amounts we are paying, we will pay all three debts off in 65 months. That's 5 years and 5 months! Sounds a lot better than almost 15 more years. It's still depressing when I think I will be 38 years old at that point, and 12 years away from having received my master's degree (which got me into stupid debt in the first place). But Daughter will only be 9, AJ only 5, and we can start to have a better life for all of us at that point, with less scrimping and saving and denying ourselves experiences and things.

I used to think the only kind of "bad" debt was credit card debt. I've never had any, even though I've been using credit cards since I was 18 and went away to college. I've paid my monthly balance in full without fail for 15 years. I thought that made me so awesome. I thought that made me so debt free! I would look down my nose at all those poor suckers who run up huge credit card balances and then can't get out of trouble. Not me! I'm so great, I only have one card and I pay it off! Look at me! SO AWESOME!

But it's not true. I mean, yes, it is good to pay off the credit card every month and I will continue to do so. But I've come to a place in my life where I believe the only acceptable debt is a mortgage payment. It's a rare family that can pay for a house in cash, so I don't feel bad about having a mortgage. But I do feel horribly, terribly bad about paying hundreds of dollars each year in interest on those effing student loans. Thus the dumb ads on the blog. And the etsy shop. And the reselling of diapering accessories. And hopefully a successful yard sale this spring with my mom. Every extra penny I find goes toward knocking down that principal so "the man" can't have any more of our money. Hubs goes to work every day and deals with so much B.S. and for what? We don't have a fancy house or fun vacations. Our children don't have college funds started. There just isn't any extra right now. And that sucks!

I am aiming to dig out from under this debt heap within those 65 months. And when I can find a little more here or there, I will send it off to reduce that time period. My dream is to get it to 48 months, but I'd have to find around $400 extra each month for that. Don't think I can sell that much on etsy just now!

So if you are in debt, no matter what kind, check out that debt snowball site. I'm curious what people feel about their debt. Do you have any? None? If you climbed out, how did you do it? And please, keep the comments kind. I'm not saying anyone is better than anyone else for having or not having debt. Just sharing my thoughts and perspectives, that's all. Please feel free to share yours!

stuff and more stuff

baby stuff

I have managed, through a careful regimen of stuffing him like a Thanksgiving turkey, to get my son ONTO THE WEIGHT CURVE!!!!! Sure, he's 5th percentile, but dammit, he is on the chart!

We had our feeding clinic appointment this morning, downtown at our Children's Hospital. It was 4 degrees when we left the house, cars were spun out everywhere, traffic was ridiculous, and a trip that should take 20-25 minutes took 50. Thankfully, the parking ramp was not full, and I even got a spot right on the first level. Hallelujah. I had allowed just enough time and we made it exactly at 8:30, so I scrapped my plan of running through the hospital lobby for a coffee and danish from the nice coffee guy I befriended during our son's hostage crisis*. However, they were just turning the lights on in the clinic when we walked in, and we had to stand around and wait! Screw it, next time I'm getting me some breakfast.

Anyway, I was more impressed with this visit than I was the last, though the only person I find truly useful is the speech pathologist, who helps us with the actual feeding of our child. I expressed my concerns about starting him on rice cereal, and she chirped, "let's try him!" So we did. And he ate it. And did not push it out of his mouth or choke on it. Yessssssss. These are the little victories that help me get through my life right now. So we are to go forth and try him twice a day with extremely thin, milky cereal - just a few spoons at a time so he can acclimate to it.

In other news, we saw the geneticist yesterday, who had nothing to offer. Well, she told my son he has a "pathetic little half-smile," to which I responded, "well, that's all you're gonna get, lady." Neither of my children has an upturned smile. And it turns out Daughter cannot close her eyes all the way, nor can she scrunch them up. It was very cute watching her try - she ended up pushing on them with her fingers in an attempt to do as she was asked. Having seen both of my children together, the doctor remains at a loss. We will return when AJ is 9 months old to see if anything else presents itself.

And, drum roll please, my sweet boy can finally lift his head in the prone position! It's so awesome to see him do it, and with no screaming and crying. I believe it is because he finally has a heavy enough body to balance out his giant baby head.

award-worthy stuff

In other news, I got Daughter signed up for a playschool! Yay! Granted, my mom did the legwork and found out the info, but on Monday morning Daughter and I toodled over there and checked it out. It's in a huge, brand-spanking-new church that has an extensive preschool program. I didn't look into preschool yet, though, just a play program for socializing. Poor girl needs to get out of the house and play with some kids her age. This program fits the bill...and you sign up week to week and pay as you go, so there is no commitment and it's pretty inexpensive too ($5/hr). I'm sending her Tuesday and Thursday mornings for two hours.

Yes, I would like an award. I accomplished something, dangit!

And now I must go seek out and consume some caffeine. I limit myself, of course, so my darling son won't spaz out, but the 5.5 hours of sleep I got last night are catching up with me. Oy.


*Thank you, Pam. I use that line all the time to describe our NICU stay!

road work ahead

I believe I swore I would do this a year ago, but life kind of got in the way...anyhoo, I am finally starting to fart around with making this blog look like something meaningful. Why not, after 3+ years? Sheesh!

Hubs found me a program to use for fooling with photos - it's like photoshop for dorks! Awesome! Perfect for my fried brain cells. So I've begun retooling my header, and will keep on adding stuff to the page until I'm pleased. I know the blogs that get a lot of traffic and followers are the ones with the interesting, interactive, fun layout, so I'm anxious to get going with that. I was reading over my posts from the beginning of this blog adventure, and they were pretty good, if I do say so myself. Lots of projects shown, a light tone - I miss that gal! I'd like to try to find her again and bring this place back to life. I built up a decent readership back then, and I'd like to work toward rebuilding my little online community again. (Not that I don't appreciate all of you who have been with me the whole time...you KNOW that I do!)

I have also placed ads around the page. I'm sorry for that, I really am. But if I can scrape up even a few extra pennies to put toward paying down student loans, etc, I simply must. I hate feeling like I can't contribute to the household income, and if the CPSIA thingy goes through as written, there goes making stuff to sell. Though I'm praying that changes...I have lots of scrap wool to be made into adorable soakers!

Anyway, enough babbling, and it's time to feed the wee child again. Just wanted to explain the dust and debris you'll be seeing around here in the near future as I work on this blog when I have two spare seconds. Here's to a better blog in '09!

i'm fine. really, i'm fine. just fine. fine.

Hello, hello. I am not as crazy as I sound, I promise!

This blog is kind of like my barstool, and you, my kind reading friends, are the poor barkeep who is forced to listen to me. Sometimes a gal's just gotta vent. I swear I do not write self-pitying posts to get you to leave sweet comments. I do appreciate them - but I am not fishing for them.

You all know how it is to be the busy mom. It gets to be like a pressure-cooker in your head. I don't really have anyone around me right now who I can yell at, so I do that here. I'm not up on a ledge (yet), but I am stressed, and it bleeds onto the blog because that's my life right now.

I don't know...just felt I should say that.

struggle

Uuuurgh. I am trying to blog, really I am, but the new year has brought with it a case of crippling anxiety and general sense of unease. I have found myself really struggling over the last few days, to the point where food tastes like lumps of sawdust and I can't sleep very well (bad, indeed, when I only have 6-ish hours to sleep at night anyway).

I am frustrated because I can barely leave the house - say I feed AJ at 11:00 am. By the time I finish it is close to 11:45, and then I have to try and eat lunch, feed my daughter lunch, prep for the therapist du jour, have the therapy session (45 mins to an hour), then hang with my breastpump for 15 minutes, and kabam! It's time to feed him again at 3:00 (which will take until about 3:45). If he sleeps after that, Daughter is getting up from her nap anyway so I can't do much for myself. Can't really leave the house because AJ does need some consistency in his day and deserves a quality naptime, and then we're running into the dinner hour anyway.

I am considering the possibility of quitting the pumping at 6 months. I dearly want to give my son the best nutrition for as long as possible, but if I could at least mix a bottle and bring it along with me, I could go somewhere and feed him on the run, and not have to race back home to pump (5x/day to keep up with his needs). I mean, we are not getting any kind of bonding experience out of it, obviously. I just have terrible guilt over quitting. Stupid, I know! There is nothing wrong with formula! I can tell myself that, but my heart would break knowing I voluntarily ceased providing breastmilk. Good heavens, what is my problem?

And we discovered a few problems with our house that is currently up for sale - problems that require diligence and constant upkeep, which I just simply cannot do. And Hubs, bless his heart, is not as good at taking care of that sort of thing. He has said he will try, because his only obligation (not that it is small) is to go to work each day. But we have a double open-house this weekend and I am terrified the house will not be in showing condition. It is truly keeping me up at night.

It is almost time for AJ to start eating actual food and that is killing me softly as well. I could just go to the store, buy the stupid rice cereal, and try him with it, but I am so scared it will be a failure. Then what will I do? We've been in a pretty nice holding pattern for the past couple of months, knowing how to feed him, and it's become quite easy for me. But having to make this change is scary because of the unknown. If he chokes on his food and cannot eat orally.....well, I don't know what I will do because all along I've been telling myself he will be fine.

The weight of it all is crushing me. I'm so, so frightened of PPD, but even more frightened that it could smack me in the head without warning. I have heldittogether, heldittogether, heldittogether for so many months, for the sake of my daughter, my husband, my son, my parents, and myself. But there are cracks in the armor just now, and I'm not sure how bad they're going to become. I'm not one to feel sorry for myself, but I do just now. I do. I've been through it, I'm still going through it, and I'm so, so tired.

4 months old

I will never understand the ways of the universe...somehow, the 9 months of pregnancy stretch out into a mind-numbing, never-ending vortex of time and space, but then the first year of your baby's life is lived in fast-forward.

new year, old FOs (and ufos)

Hello 2009! I hope everyone had a safe, fun celebration to ring in the new year. Me? I followed my normal schedule of feeding the baby at 11:00, and collapsing into bed immediately thereafter. I did wake up briefly just in time to see Dick Clark smooching all over his wife. Eeeeehhhh.

So let's start the new year with some old knits! Jeez, when was the last time I even had anything stitching-related here on the blog? Other than AJ's elfin pants for Christmas, I don't think there's been a single project shown here since I gave birth. Yikes!

First up, hat, mitten(s) and scarf made for Daughter, to match her red and navy winter coat. The hat is my own pattern, nothing sophisticated, just a basic hat with spiral decreases at the crown. For the mitten(s) I used worsted weight wool (Lion Wool and Patons) and Ann Budd's pattern from The Knitter's Handy Book of Patterns. You'll notice there is only one mitten shown here. Yeah, the other one is in the house somewhere. If any of you have seen it, please do let me know. And the scarf was knit in mistake rib, using Patons Classic Merino in red, entirely at 3:00 in the morning. I have to wake up and feed AJ, as I've mentioned before, so to keep myself awake as I run his milk in one ounce every 5 minutes or so, I have to knit something really simple. It has to be a fairly large gauge, and I have to be able to execute the pattern in near-darkness. Thus this simple scarf!


Next up is this wee sweater I knitted while waiting for AJ to be released from the hospital. It's my very favorite old standby, the Knitting Pure and Simple neckdown raglan cardigan, size 6 months, knit in Patons Classic Merino (natural mix). US size 7 and 8 needles. I modify this pattern a lot by changing up the rib to other things, my favorite being moss stitch. I think it looks a lot classier. I have made this pattern countless times, and will make many more as my son grows. I was shocked to find that this and one other I've knit fit him now! I think of him as being so tiny, but he is growing!


In my quest to use up some stash and leftovers, I made these Little Turtle Knits longies using the yarn remaining from the sweater above, as well as some mystery wool in an olive color and some red I dyed a long time ago (Lion Fisherman Wool, I believe). Pretty good pattern...I'm glad I bought it and would recommend it. These were knit entirely in stolen moments - just before bed while feeding the baby, or when both kids napped (rare).


And this, sadly, is a UFO that I don't think I'll be able to finish in time for it to fit my rapidly growing boy. It's a 6-month size sweater and though it looks like it will be generous when finished, I just don't have the time or concentration to follow a chart and get it done quickly. Plus it is sportweight yarn, and I think I'm going to be more of a worsted weight gal for the near future. It's just faster. Anyway, I believe this is the last thing I worked on before AJ was born. I really do like the pattern...perhaps I'll put it away and finish it up for someone else's baby.


I have a pair of socks going for Daughter, but the photo I took was so lousy I skipped it. And I started a cabled sweater for her months and months ago...but I can't find it! I know it is here somewhere, misplaced in the melee of moving all our crap around to sell our house.

As for '09...well, my goals are really modest. I do so love to knit and sew, but my time is just not my own right now. I intend to finish up one more pair of longies (in progress now), finish the socks for Daughter, finish her cabled sweater if I can find it, and make myself a Central Park Hoodie (and in doing so, officially become the very last knitter in the universe to make this pattern).

Other things will crop up, I'm sure, like more mittens for Daughter (she brought me a skein of red yarn last night so I could "sew some more mittens"), and perhaps some adult socks, which I have not knit in one solid year. But really, just finishing those things I listed will make me happy and I will feel I've accomplished something besides feeding the baby and changing countless diapers. I think it's terribly vital for moms to find something they love to do and do it, just for sanity's sake. That's why I sometimes skip folding the laundry and just knit a few rows while the kids are sleeping. I know that one day in the not-too-distant-future I will have nothing to do but knit and sew, and I do want to enjoy my children while they are wee, but I don't want to give up my hobby in the meantime. It means too much to me; my hands crave it, my mind needs it.

So, welcome 2009! May it be a productive year for all of us.