One interesting way in which my grieving manifests itself is this: inappropriate anger at people in the world around me.
On the Monday before my baby's funeral, I decided to return the maternity bathing suit my mom had bought for me on sale at Target. We'd been planning to do some August swimming and I dragged my feet on a suit till my mom finally just bought the silly thing for me online and had it sent to my house. Well, obviously I had no need for it anymore (I hadn't even cut off the tags yet) so I went online and followed the instructions for printing out scannable receipts which then have to be taken to the service desk at a real Target store. It was a pain in the rear, and the two pieces had shipped separately so I had to do them one at a time. Hubbo was with me when we went in to do the return and we were waited on by a young-ish girl, probably in her early 20s. She tried to scan the sheets I handed her and it didn't work so she said we'd have to go over to the gift registry kiosk and do the whole thing again, so she could scan in the code. Hubbo asked, in a reasonable tone, if she couldn't just try to manually enter the numbers. She shot back, "well, that's a lot of work for me."
I was 2 days out from delivering my stillborn child and when I tell you I could have climbed over the counter and throttled that girl with my bare hands and felt no remorse, I totally mean it.
Thank goodness my husband was there to say, in a slightly less reasonable tone, "well, it's a lot of work for us to go and do this all again, so WHY DON'T YOU TRY ENTERING THE NUMBERS MANUALLY."
She did, and lo, it worked. I got my mom's money back and we went on our way. I realize she did not know the situation, but nevertheless, her customer service skills could use some work. She is lucky I was not there alone or she'd have more problems than that.
I started feeling that inappropriate anger again today when I got one of those nasty notices from the bank telling me they were charging me $32 for insufficient funds in my checking account. I freaked because I know there were perfectly sufficient funds in there to cover our bills for the end of the month. When I investigated I discovered that my mortgage payment had been deducted twice, and while there was certainly enough money to pay it once, there was not enough to double it and still cover the other bills.
After being transferred among - I'm not kidding you here - 4 different departments at my mortgage company, I finally got to a gal who could help me. Turns out I had accidentally set up an extra profile in the online payments because when I sign in under MY name, I don't see my husband's profile. It looked like my mortgage wasn't set up to be paid...so I thought I should set it up, and avoid missing a mortgage payment altogether because THERE IS NO GREATER FINANCIAL ERROR THAN THAT. Ask me how I know this. But I was wrong, and so they took twice as much money as they needed to, which seriously screwed up other things, like the car payment. The extra profile has been deleted, but when she transferred me to yet another department to ask for my money back, I was told (after holding several times) that I have to submit a written request for the refund. Awwww, come on. Are they serious? Forget that. Turns out I can just leave it alone and we're a month ahead, and I'll just have to juggle some funds around at the end of November.
Then I had to call the bank, because I want my stupid $32 back! It wasn't my fault this happened (ok, it sort of was, but not really because the mortgage company website stinks). And when I called I was feeling that inappropriate anger sensation. I had my speech rehearsed about how if they wouldn't give me back my $32 I would come right down there, so help me, and close my accounts, because there are a lot of banks in this town and I can easily take my business elsewhere. The girl who answered the phone (after I went through fifty-seven menus) must have sensed that in my voice, because they were able to credit my account the $32 "as a courtesy." I should hope so.
That is all. I hope I haven't wasted too much of your day.