For those of you who have been following along, you know what this weekend is. It's hard to believe, but it has been one year since we lost our precious baby girl. Want to know something? I'm actually doing really great.
Yes, the date on the calendar means something, but I miss her every day, so there is no reason to wallow in sadness or self-pity today. Am I sad? Of course. But I have learned over a year of grieving to just work with the sadness, let it come, wash over me, and subside. If I feel tears coming on, I try to let them come and just get through the feelings without letting things get out of control. I don't fight the sadness, but I don't let it run the show either.
The past few days I've been trying to treat myself well. On Thursday I decided I needed to see pretty things, so I dragged my mom and Daughter to Joann's and picked out a few new fabrics for Daughter's fall and winter wardrobe. On Friday I looked in the mirror and thought, "who is that hag?!?" So I called up the girl who cuts my hair (who hollered at me for only coming in about twice a year) and had half my hair chopped off. Ah, much better. On Saturday I ran away from home during naptime, took several rockin' CDs with me in the car, blasted the music with the windows down and sang at the top of my (lousy) voice. I browsed AC Moore, Joann's (yes, again, what's wrong with that?), and hit Target for some new wee mary jane shoes for Daughter. It was a good day, and I even had nice, cheerful ladies wait on me at the Joann's cutting counter. A miracle!
Sunday morning we will go to mass, which is being said for Elizabeth, and Daughter will wear the cherry print dress I made for her earlier this summer with her new shoes. We will be meeting my parents there, and we will then all stay and participate in the annual chicken bbq at our church. I'd like to make it to the cemetary to visit my baby and bring her some flowers, but if we don't, we don't. It is not the end of the world if we go on a different day, because the day she died, the day she was born...it isn't the important thing. The imporant thing is that I was blessed to have this wee child spend her entire existence within my body. How amazing is that? That is what I am determined to focus on throughout the day and every day to come. I want to rejoice in her existence and celebrate her memory...not cry over what we feel we have lost.
So, friends, please don't worry about me, or feel sorry for me on this day. If you are prayerful, please offer up a prayer for my family, that we would continue to find peace on the path that has been chosen for us. And to those who have been sending along thoughtful gifts and good wishes, thank you. It means so much to me.