life stuff...and a question for you!

Dear Winter,

It is really time for you to go now. No seriously, we have had just about enough. GO AWAY.

We had this one nice day a few weeks ago, and the kids made the most of it, romping around in the melty snow, playing under the huge pine tree in our yard, and generally soaking in the nice temps. (Also, trashing their clothes almost beyond saving...thank you, Tide Stain Release!)

But since then we've pretty much had snow on the ground. These are tough winters, the ones with no thaw from Thanksgiving straight through till March. We often get a long, late autumn, with no snow up to or even on Christmas, or some nice warmish days in January, up into the 40s or even 50s. BUT NOT THIS YEAR! And it is starting to wear on me, big time. I'm feeling so utterly housebound - it makes me think of the Ingalls family in "The Long Winter" and I wonder how on earth they didn't all go screaming insane.

It's just that when everyone is sick and playdates get cancelled and it is truly too cold to spend much time outside...well, it gets really boring and frustrating for everyone involved. I'm so, so tired of hearing my own voice as I snap at the children (again and again and again): stop it! don't push him! quit pulling her hair! if you can't agree on a video I'm turning the TV off! etc, etc.

We did end up joining the museum, and that's fun on the days we can go. And I've been leaving the house every single day with AJ, even if it is just to drive around a bit and go for a donut and coffee. We go grocery shopping a few times a week, hit the drug stores with our coupons for good sale items, browse Joann's and the other craft stores, and get donuts or bagels together. Sure, it's kind of bad for my pocketbook, but it is better for my sanity. Until we can go outside and wander the neighborhood, or go to the park, or spend the afternoon at the wading pool with lots of other kids, it will have to do. I wish we could do something a bit more...I don't know, educational? Valuable? We'd go to the library to get books or participate in story hour, but my 2.5 year old destructo-bot would unshelve all the books and disrupt the story hour. He's just not quite ready for that yet (maybe in the autumn when he turns 3). For now it's strictly outings where he can be trapped in a cart or the stroller.

Daughter was off school for a week recently and it nearly killed me, trying to keep them both from destroying the house or hurting each other. They are just so bored, and have pent-up energy to spare. Winter kind of sucks for little kids! I know so many people lament the growing up process, and chastise those who "wish childhood away" but good heavens, I have had enough of the toddler years. (And did I mention we are potty training? Aaaargh!)

I know it's just a phase for both of the kids, but right now it's tough. There are very few activities I can come up with that suit both a 6 year-old and a 2.5 year-old. They can paint together...sort of...until AJ uses the same brush for all the paints and wrecks all the colors or Daughter starts hoarding paints so AJ can't reach. If I try to start an activity with Daughter, or play a game with her, AJ will either disappear and get into something dangerous, or try to wreck the game/activity. And if I try to sit down on any piece of furniture in the entire house, my son wants to crawl up and sit directly on top of me. Which wouldn't be so bad if he could sit still. But he writhes and tickles and pulls at my hair and just won't settle.

I'm grasping at anything that will cheer me up these days. That means blowing off my responsibilities (nuggets and potato smiley faces for dinner again, kids!) so I can sew or knit. Making sundresses gives me hope that nice weather is around the corner, hooray! And I find that utterly losing myself in a detailed sewing project (like this somewhat complex dress pictured above) is like a meditation for me. Sometimes I play music or NPR, but often I just sew in silence after everyone has gone to bed, or during naptime when AJ is sound asleep and the house is nice and quiet.

*****

I do have one nice thing to look forward to, and it is this: Hubs and I are planning to take a little vacation together, just the two of us, which we have not done since our honeymoon in 2003. For real. Our marriage could use a little attention (no problems, per se, just a need to reconnect) after these last few troubled years taking care of kid issues, and we're going to head out for, oh, maybe a 5 day weekend journey or something like that. We plan to drive and keep it budget-friendly (because of Hubs' work we can get hotel discounts), and want to do something peaceful and quiet (no big cities). We're thinking sometime in May, and somewhere on the east coast. Where would you go? I'm looking for ideas!

lost my mojo, got it back with gusto, am now freaking out

A few weeks ago I posted that I'd temporarily lost my knitting/sewing/crafting mojo, but felt it slowly returning. Well, shortly thereafter it came back with a BANG and now I'm swamped with projects I'd really, really love to get done in the next 30 days.

It's insanity. I will have to pare down. Here are a few things that are going pretty well so far:

AJ's holiday 2010 pants. Basic, pull-on pants in dark brown corduroy. Just a simple, size 2 pair of pants, made from a pajama pattern that I know will fit. Both of my kids are so tall and narrow - that's why the waist is so tiny, but he needs the room in the butt for his cloth diaper.

Daughter's Christmas 2010 dress. I wasn't going to bother because we're not really going anywhere significant for the holiday this year, but I like the kids to have something nice to wear, I like looking back at the holiday outfits I've made, and this will be a nice, warm, comfortable corduroy dress that she can wear for other occasions too.

The pattern is an old one: Simplicity 5830, out of production. But you can still find it on ebay and stuff. I highly, highly recommend this one. The pieces come together like a dream, it is not difficult at all, just slightly time-consuming because of the pleats in the front and back. My friend gave it to me years ago and I made two dresses just like this in size 2 for Daughter when she was wee. Some of the size 6 pieces were cut up or even missing (!) and I was able to actually re-draft them with some pattern ease and a little patience. I'm using the 6X sleeve and crossing my fingers it won't make that much difference. And still I am thrilled with how it is coming out. Maybe I can find some of those cute holiday tights with candy-canes or holly leaves? Super sweet!

Not as sweet is this jumper I made for Daughter to wear on Thanksgiving. What a shit-tay pattern this was!! I've decided that bias-tape bound armholes are the ultimate pattern-drafter copout. I much prefer either a facing that encompasses both neckline and armhole, or separate facings for the armholes. The bias tape never, ever looks nice to me. It's a Simplicity "It's So Easy" pattern, and frankly the reason it's so "easy" is because of this type of corner-cutting in the pattern. I really need to remember that and stop buying these sub-par patterns.

The camera accentuates all the problems horribly, and I promise it doesn't look so bad in real life and on her body, but the armholes do look lousy.

Oh well, the corduroy is adorable, it was on sale, and the jumper will look cute enough with a pink shirt and pink tights for the holiday.

And finally for today, some new mittens for Daughter. The last pair I made her turned out a bit small. (Holy moly, I am really misjudging her size lately and making things too little! I am thankful I made the red dress in a 6...I almost made a 5 because those things tend to run big but I believe the 6 will actually be almost perfect.)

Anyhoo, she has been leaving her outerwear on the bus lately (grrrr) but thankfully the busdrivers are really great about doing a sweep of the bus and have returned her hats and mittens. Still, she needs a few more pairs of mittens as backups. I let her choose a couple of yarns and this was her first pick. It's really more of a periwinkle in person. I'm using the basic mitten pattern from Ann Budd's Handy Book of Patterns in the second size, at 5 st to the inch.

I can make one per night while I watch the A-team and Magnum P.I. :)

On top of all that I now want to complete the following:

• a red sweater for AJ to wear with the dark brown pants (may become a vest due to time constraints!)
• a sweater for my nephew (6-9 month size) as the one I'd started turned out too small and had to be ripped
• a 3-6 month size sweater for my cousin's brand new baby girl
• knee socks for Daughter (one is 75% done)
• socks for AJ (to put in his stocking)
• hat for Hubs (per his request)
• more mittens for Daughter
• mittens for AJ (2 pair...but I would settle for 1!)
• fingerless mitts for my sister
• socks for Hubs (totally hopeless, it will never happen, but hey, I can dream)
• the rest of the barbie wardrobe I've started
• baby doll clothes for Daughter's 3 dollies
• AJ's quilt (top 50% done...this will never happen either)

I broke down and asked people to get pajamas as gifts for my children - there is no way I can get them sewn up and the weather is turning quite cold now. And I harbor no illusions about that list. It is insane, I am aware of it. But at least it gives me a bit of a roadmap to work from.

And I've been trying so hard to balance housework/cooking/feeding children/nurturing others with finding time to do the activities that nurture me. It's been a real challenge lately. My mom has been utterly tied up caring for my dad after his recent knee replacement surgery, so I have no child care (don't know any teens in the neighborhood and can't afford a sitter anyway). My son is a whirlwind of activity and his stomach is a bottomless pit, so it's go-go-go from the time we get up in the morning until I collapse in a heap at night. And Daughter, when she was two, would hang around in the family room with me and I could knit peacefully, but not AJ. He is constantly climbing on me or the furniture or whatever, and there is no sitting down to relax when he is awake.

So, you know, my list is a silly pipe dream. I'll do my best.

today

The day dawned so, so beautifully...frost on the grass sparkled in the sunrise. It was cold, but so pretty.

Then I noticed the green stuff coming from my son's nose, and the disgusting viscous ooze coming from one of his ears. We spent the morning at the pediatrician's office and Target (where I spent $28 - that's $4 for the antibiotic and $24 for the other stuff I found while waiting for the medicine). When we got home I dumped the little guy in the bathtub to get rid of that yucky sick smell, then we cuddled on the sofa and nibbled some lunch.

Now the sun is gone, it is windy and cold, and the clouds are threatening. The breakfast and lunch dishes are waiting. I need to clean up the kitchen, fold the laundry, plan dinner. But I'm just sort of sitting here at the kitchen table amid the mess, watching the leaves blow off the enormous maple trees in the backyard...resting.

keepin it real

This is what my frustration looks like right now:

My dining room. Not so good for dining these days. Or for anything else. You know it's bad when I just give up and cover the sewing machine! Clockwise from the left we have a pile o' ironing that just keeps growing; dotted swiss pajamas for Daughter that are so close to completion...yet so far; notions and machine, gathering dust; shoebox with china tea set that AJ keeps breaking so it is hidden away; jeans hanging on chair that need patches sewn down; knitting projects in various stages of completion; paperwork from kitchen table, thrust aside so we can actually eat; markers and glitter glue, put here so my darling son will stop writing all over the house with them.

You can perhaps understand why I am not getting much done in this mess.

But I would really like to finish these:

And I'd like to do it ASAP because we're looking at temps in the high 80s this week, with nights in the high 60s/low 70s. Our house is situated north/south, and the wind usually blows east/west, so air circulation is a problem, especially at night. In the summer we've found the only solution is lots of fans and the lightest pjs we can find. This dotted swiss is like air, so light and lovely. If only I could find an hour to get the armhole and ruffles done.

So many ideas and projects to work on...

*sigh*

For now I will take my knitting outside and try to work a few stitches in the sticky heat, while the children do some of this:

I think I'll get out the kiddie pool, too. I can sit with my toes in the cool water and let the kiddos splash around. Last week we were wearing sweaters, today it will be almost 90. Weird!

But first, the ever-obtrusive therapy appointment to get through. Bleh.

pulling it together (sort of)

I've been exceedingly frustrated with my total inability to finish ANYTHING lately. Like, to the point of anger and sadness. For the past 10 years or so, I've been extremely dedicated to creative endeavors, and despite a few quilt wips upstairs in bins, I've been pretty good about getting stuff done. But lately? Oh my gosh, lately I've just been letting stuff pile up on the dining room table and fighting to keep my sanity day-to-day.

When I am not able to dedicate time to being creative, when I lose that meditation, I can really, really tell the difference. And it's miserable.

Luckily, tomorrow is Easter, so I was forced to clear off the dining room table. I sewed the button back on AJ's yellow cotton cardigan (which was originally Daughter's...cotton ease yarn holds up well) and I patched my very favorite jeans:

The knee was ripped from seam to seam. I ironed mending tape to the inside of the rip to hold it together, then took a piece of regular cotton calico and sewed it right sides together, turned (like making a pillow), pressed, and topstitched the whole rectangle around the giant tear. Hopefully it will hold awhile, as these jeans are so awesomely comfortable.

Problem is, they are quite literally disintegrating all over. The denim is totally shredded at the hip. I used the same method here, just trying to make them last a bit longer. You can't buy comfort like this. I had to try something.

I finally hemmed the sleeves and stitched the buttonholes and buttons for this silly dress. Sometimes I like to buy those bags of coordinating buttons at Joann's (Favorite Findings, maybe?), which is where these brown plastic buttons came from. They are super inexpensive, and this way if one is lost or broken, it can be replaced quickly and easily. Just have to tie off the thread ends (I sew buttons on by machine), and this one is done.

And finally, these sweet "dublin" green Picky Pants (Little Turtle Knits pattern) for my sister's baby boy due this summer. I've finished approximately ZERO knitting outside of Etsy orders over the last month or two, so this feels really good! The only problem is, I used almost every inch of the yarn for the knitting, and that little swirl of yarn on the right of the photo is all I have left. I need to make a drawstring. I'm making a dark navy cardigan, hat and booties so this will be a modern-day "pram set" and I guess the pants will have to have a navy drawstring. Unless anyone has a bit of Knitpicks Swish in the dublin colorway they want to send me...ahem.

Anyway, they are city dwellers and have a gigantic dog which requires daily walks, so I wanted to make up a really warm set for the baby to keep him nice and cozy in the stroller this autumn. I'm also working up a plan for either a quilt or a knitted or crocheted blanket. I'm leaning towards quilting because my mom is making a blanket. Or perhaps I'll make both, who knows? But I need to bust a move because the shower is mid-May and I want my gifts ready then.

So I feel a little bit better having finished up some stuff. I still need to figure out a way to incorporate more meditative time into my days to keep me calm and sane. The kids are beating the crapola out of each other constantly right now - I mean I can't even turn my head without one of them pushing, smacking, pulling hair, shoving, kicking...it's awful! Hopefully with the nicer weather coming we'll get outside, work out some pent up energy, and quit it with the violence! We'd like to get the sandbox built this weekend, and I'm hoping to go BIG so there's something awesome to do in the backyard. Daughter tends to be really lazy without me goosing her to get up and do something, but she LOVES to dig (I often find her outside underneath trees, digging, digging, digging), so here's hoping a great sandbox will encourage more outside play.

I'd better get the day started. My parents have picked up Daughter for breakfast and the baking of Easter bread dolls, so now Hubs and I need to clean and prep for tomorrow's brunch, the eggs need to be dyed, and the Easter cutouts need frosting (I have the Wilton 101 cutter set, so we made eggs, crosses, bunnies, etc). Gotta cook and crumble the bacon for my quiche lorraine, and get out the dishes we want to use. Grandma's china? Not sure yet.

Happy passover, happy Easter, happy Spring! Have a wonderful weekend, all.

oh, me

Hey, so, where am I?

Gosh, I just don't know. I don't know how these amazing mamas do it, raising more children than I, and still churning out the creative blog posts day after day. Holy moly.

Right now I'm looking over a really messy kitchen where rice krispies are strewn far and wide, the table is sticky, the dishes are piled up, the countertops are covered with crumbs...the carpets and ceilings and corners of the hardwood floors are dusty and, ew, cobwebby...I just used the last of the diapers in the stack and really need to get off my butt to throw the dirties in the washer...I really must get organized and make sure the kindergarten papers are all completed and ready since I hand them in at 1:20 today...and AJ's speech evaluation is in 1/2 hour right here, in the middle of the maelstrom.

It's just been like that, lately. I can't finish anything right now, even emptying the dishwasher is often a job abandoned 3 or 4 times before completion. I spend most of my day trying to keep the kids from torturing each other. I knit a few rows here, a few there...so many things I want to get done, especially for my sister whose baby shower is in May. I drink gallons of coffee but still can't seem to shake off this logy feeling.

You know what? I went in for my annual exam last week, and after going over the usual health questions, the nurse asked me if I have any "anxiety or depression." For the first time since I had my first child 5 years ago, they asked me if I have anxiety or depression. I laughed out loud when she asked. Does feeling like a tattered flag at the top of an abandoned flagpole on a really windy day qualify? Cripes.

But then again, really, I wouldn't say I have any kind of serious problem. And my son is doing so, so well compared to even 6 months ago. He's actually eating quite a bit now, and hopefully with speech therapy will continue to improve. Things are pretty good, I'm really quite blessed. I just think it will take many, many months...no, years...to climb back up to a sense of normalcy. It's just been such a rough ride.

Oh dear. This wasn't supposed to be a "woe is me" post. It's just to say I'm here, chugging along. Just in a bit of a lull right now.

just what i needed

It's amazing how bad a day can be, and then how equally good another can turn out.

Today I am basking in the glow of watching Daughter at her last swimming lesson, and being told by the teacher that she can move up to the next level after the holidays.

My to-do list got mostly accomplished over the weekend, and my family actually thanked me for scrubbing the bathroom.

Two nice, respectful, efficient men came to my house this morning and replaced our old, beat up, drafty, hollow-core wooden door that leads to the garage with a brand new, tight-fitting, fire-safe steel door in an hour and a half. My gosh, it looks gorgeous.

I took AJ for his second flu shot, and asked that he be quickly weighed. Turns out he is gaining steadily at about 1 lb/month, which is above average, even as we play around with his tube-feed calories to try and get him eating orally. Yes!

I am still reveling in thankfulness that the washing machine was not actually broken and did not require a several-hundred-dollar service call.

And the best, best, best thing - the mailman brought back the package containing two wool soakers I knit for an Etsy.com order and mailed over two weeks ago. The recipient moved and the forward didn't work for some reason. I thought the package got lost and I would have to reknit the items and mail them again at my cost. For some reason I was totally beside myself about it, and just about fell to my knees with relief and gratitude when the package showed up today. I will be re-sending the package priority mail with tracking this time!

Now I can make some tea, relax with the Christmas music playing on the radio, and work on the other knitting projects in the queue, while AJ naps and Daughter plays with play doh. Dinner is all ready (pulled bbq pork, defrosting, from a huge batch I made a few weeks back). The house is...well, it is clean enough! And there are no current laundry emergencies.

As you all know, I really, really, really needed a good day. And I am so thankful to be having one.

stream of consciousness

Sometimes I feel like I'm not very good at this job.

I mean, I know I am pretty proficient at the tasks associated with mothering small children. My kids are clean (most of the time), their clothes are clean and pressed, their beds get made, their teeth get brushed, they are served warm, healthy meals. I make medical and dental appointments and take the children to them, and I usually even remember to take something along to keep them occupied in the waiting room. They have safe car seats, lots of toys, limited exposure to television (other than PBS), and are encouraged to use their minds and hands creatively.

It's the other stuff I'm not sure about. The stuff that makes me feel like I'm not old enough to handle this job - things like calling up a neighbor or ringing a doorbell to ask if their little girl(s) would like to play with Daughter. I am not about to send my own child into the home of someone I've only just met, nor do I expect one of them to send their child(ren) here to play. But I can't sit outside all afternoon to keep an eye on Daughter and one or more children, either, because of AJ's schedule and needs. We don't have a sandbox or swingset yet, nor do our next-door neighbors (who have a 5 year-old girl). I'm not even that good at making friends for myself...how do I help my Daughter to do so?

I can't even get us off the stupid couch in the morning. How's that for sad? We're prone to slouching around in our pajamas for several hours because AJ has to complete his feeding and then take a nap anyway, so it's not like we're going to go out.

I don't have a whole lot of energy. I tend to get my tasks done and then don't feel like doing much.

And I just sort of always feel like there's something I don't know, but the other moms do. Like I'm...behind, or something. Am I the only one? No matter who is around, I feel young and inexperienced and left out. Is there some secret to feeling like a confident mom? If there is I certainly don't know it. There are times when I sit on the couch and look at my kids and think, what am I supposed to be doing with these children?

We have a playdate scheduled for next week with a girl I went to high school with. We weren't super-best friends, but that was a long time ago. I'm actually quite excited about this - getting out of the house! Talking to someone my age! Having a kid for Daughter to interact with! (He is 2 and 1/2 but that's better than nothing.)

I read a lot of what I call "pretty blogs." They are the blogs of the moms who have a really nice camera and they seem always to be capturing the beauty in life. With their kids! And often their husbands! And I am so, so, so jealous of them. I have major lifestyle envy when I read and look at their lovely photos. These women are my age, or often even a bit younger, and many of them have more children than I do, but they seem to have it so...together. And I realize that a blog post is just a snapshot, in the same way that a photo spread in Better Homes & Gardens magazine is not truly what anyone's house looks like, but still...in the aggregate? These women have prettier lives than I do and I am jealous! I want to take my kids out to the places I see on the pretty blogs. I want to pick fruit with my kids, and cut flowers to put in mason jars, and sew adorable useful items out of vintage linens, and bake bread and go hiking and camping and get together with my like-minded bloggy friends and HAVE A PRETTY LIFE, DAMMIT! (Except for that camping part...don't know why I said that, because I never want to go camping.)

The point is that they DO STUFF. With their kids. Their well-adjusted, active, curious kids. I don't get the impression they sit around all morning watching PBS. Or maybe they do! After all, a blog is just a snapshot. Right?

I could do all this stuff, I guess. I could. I just don't know exactly how to go about it. My son puts me in an interesting and awkward position. He's a year old tomorrow...starting to push back against morning nap, so yesterday we blew it off to run some errands. By early afternoon he was a wreck, his therapy session was useless, and he crashed for almost 4 hours. Feeding him, as I've mentioned, is a bit of a task and not an easy thing to do outside of our home, and frankly, we have to be home every afternoon because of therapy. How do I make us a prettier life? How do I get us UP and OUT?

I keep telling myself "next summer" - AJ will be 18 months+, walking, I assume, and will need fewer naps and hopefully less therapy. But next summer is next summer. It is not now. This precious time with my little girl is fleeting, and it is going by so fast. I am keeping her home with me this winter, and I fear it will become just wasted time if I'm not very, very careful.

What to do? What to do?

I have to get myself up. I have to turn off the TV. I have to do this. Just not sure how.