5 years

August 12th is here again. Sometimes it catches me by surprise. It always catches my husband, mostly because I have to tell him about it. He never remembers (though he is terrible with dates), but still I often think it must be nice to just sort of not remember. I have no choice. The memory lives in my body.

I look at Daughter sitting on the couch watching television and I see the spirit of another little girl sitting near her. A little girl who would be turning 5, heading off to kindergarten, with dark wavy hair and a little face so like her big sister's...and yet a bit different.

And then I look at my baby boy and wonder if he would even be here. Last night my husband said, if we had our daughter nothing in our lives would be as it is right now. Maybe so, maybe so.

Some years have been easier than others, but this year I am really sad. I miss my baby girl.