if you're going through hell, keep going

I love you ladies. I mean it. You are wise and wonderful, and your comments push, pull, and drag me through my days. Would any of you consider moving to the Western New York area? How about just a visit? I will make tea! I have coffee cake! Come on. I could use a real live shoulder. And bring a casserole or something, would you please? I haven't felt up to cooking much lately.

Here is an interesting thing - it is simply astounding how much you can accomplish when you live in fear of being bored. I make a big to-do list and I actually do it. It's really the only way to keep myself sane. I must have busy hands. Even going places or visiting people is a sub-par method because when I drive I can't do anything else, and no matter how loud I crank the radio it doesn't drown out the movie playing in my head. So...

Floors? Mopped.
Bathtub? Scrubbed.
Laundry? Done.
Ironing? Yes, even the ironing is done.

I have lots of thank-you notes to write to all the people who have done kind things for us over the past couple of weeks, but I can't do more than one or two at a time. It makes me cry. So I've been blowing that off in favor of creative endeavors. I have been on a huge finishing kick. Somehow my grief has created in me a need to get stuff done that's been sitting around. I want to flush out the project pipeline and start fresh. To wit:


The donations I made for the Dulaan project. In February. I have finally woven in all the ends on the 4 hats and 4 pairs of mittens, and they are going in the mail this week. I'm rather ashamed to say I missed the deadline for this winter, but hopefully they will be put to use next year.


Sundress and bloomers for Daughter. These were stitched up sometime in early July, I think, but were just waiting for hand finishing on the shoulder straps and bloomer legs. This is now done and has even been worn. It's the last of the summer sewing projects for this year.


Cotton blend socks I started in...are you ready? 2003, I think. I don't like knitting with cotton (I think it's Sockotta or something like that) so these got shoved in a bag and left to languish for several years. One was done, one was started. Now they are both done and off my list.


Boring brown socks. Knitpicks Essential yarn, in the fawn colorway (I think...I really need to start saving my yarn labels and putting them in my project bags). These were started in the winter but as you can see they are BORING. So they got shoved aside for more interesting projects. Again, one was done. I whizzed through the second last week. Done and done. In the drawer for when I need plain old tan socks. Bleh.


Yes. Baby dress. This was, of course, intended for baby Beth. It's blocked and I will sew it up today or tomorrow. I have dainty purple buttons for the back. It will be washed and carefully packed away for "someday," whether that is the next couple of years for me, or 25-30 years when Daughter has her own children. Either way, it will be completed with all my love and in memory of my sweet girl.


Flannel pants for Daughter, cut and ready to sew. I bought enough of the pink for 2 pairs - they were going to be little matchy-matchy outfits. If anyone wants 5/8 yard of it, email me or leave a comment. It's washed and pressed and you can have it.

And finally, something bright and reminiscent of the fall leaves which are already starting to fall off my trees:

This is some Knitpicks Sock Garden in the zinnia colorway. This photo does not come close to doing it justice - the colors positively scream at you in real life. I got this for my birthday (back in January) and want to do something with it before the next birthday rolls around. Plus I think the bright colors might cheer me. I am thinking footie socks for me and nice warm socks for Daughter. There should be plenty of yarn for both pairs.

I have also completed a quilted wallhanging (sewed a hanging sleeve on it, cut the dowel and hung the silly thing after it sat folded in a closet for 3 years), a baby sweater that you cannot see yet because it's a surprise, and most of my Kinsale sweater which I blogged about finishing a billion years ago. One more pattern repeat on the second sleeve, a few seams, and a good wash 'n block to go, and I will be modeling it for you. Also, I fully intend to finish Beth's baby quilt. We have her handprints and footprints on a card, which I am thinking of scanning and incorporating into the quilt label. The quilt will be hung either in Daughter's room or perhaps somewhere more prominent so we can see it every day and think of her.

Well, I hope that was a more interesting and non-depressing post. I want you to know how much I appreciate those of you who continue to check in and leave me such kind words. I am not kidding when I say I rely on your comments to get me through the day - I go back and read them over and over. I don't want to throw around the word 'depression' because that is a serious disease and I don't wish to offend anyone who legitimately suffers from it...and I don't think I am actually depressed (though I am monitoring myself, and my family is monitoring me as well, for signs of PPD). I think I am merely suffering from extreme sadness. But I do have ups and downs, manic days and very 'down' days (can you guess what today is? my goodness...), and the blog will probably reflect that. It's going to be a roller coaster around here for quite some time, I imagine. Thanks for bearing with me.