Hi.
This is my 200th post. I wish it were more exciting and celebration-like.
I'm really, really sad. And tired. And tired of being sad. It has been 2 weeks now, which amazes me. Where have the days gone? I know I get up every day and I know I function for the sake of my family, but I'm not 100% 'there' at all.
I know that when I weep it is for myself and my husband and all our family members who will not get to spend a lifetime with our baby. I know that she is in heaven and never suffered, never will suffer, and has beautiful, perfect, eternal life. I know that we will see her again when it is our time. And I am endlessly grateful that the decision was made for us...we did not have to stand over a NICU bassinet and watch our baby struggle for life, or make any horrible decisions about life support.
But oh, how I long to have her here with us. How I wish I could cradle her soft body in my arms, and feel her tiny heart flutter. I dream of her newborn smell, and the feel of her soft fuzzy head against my cheek. When I found out I was pregnant again we knew our lives were about to change pretty radically. So we immediately started making plans. This sweet baby was already so loved, and we wanted her so badly. I had so many thoughts and ideas and plans. Now our lives have changed again, and our plans have suddenly changed as well.
And I don't like it. I don't want it to be true. I hate that this has now become part of the story of my life. I don't know how to be this woman. I don't even know how to write about it. It is such a deeply personal thing and words just fail me.
I know that what happened to me and my family is right, because it is God's plan. It isn't for us to understand. But I don't have to like it.
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8 comments:
Just as you struggle terribly to find the words to write, we as moms struggle and even fail to find words to comfort you and your family. We grieve for you, our hearts break for you and we cry for you. We will probably never meet you, and most of us can only imagine the pain and loss you are enduring but as moms we want so badly to be able to help and to lend support and comfort. It's what moms do. You don't have to know how to be this woman. God will show you how - one day at time. You and your family continue to be in our prayers.
Pam said it so beautifully. I won't try to add or expand on it.
I'm still here. Still praying. Still caring so much.
I'm so glad you found me on the first day I wrote on my blog and that I've been able to "share" a little in your life since then, even through this sadness. Glad that I can add my prayers to those of others. And very glad to feel through your posts what an amazingly strong faith you have and to know that through that you will perservere through the sadness.
Your words about not wanting this as a part of your story or knowing how to be this woman really got through to me and, in a way, helped me to understand what you and others I know who've experienced similar loss, are feeling. Thank you for sharing your feelings!
You have every right to not like it. Hugs to you.
My heart breaks a little every time I think of your loss. I know we're supposed to say that these things "happen for a reason" but I can think of no good reason for this kind of loss. Still here - with you.
You are deeply, deeply grieving... these words you write - God gives them to you, too. It is an honor to read what you are feeling deep in your heart, and an honor to weep with you because there are no words to comfort. Thank you so much, Kate, for sharing. God certainly has plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I just want to assure you of more prayers here in the UK - you are being tremendously brave - even on the days when it doesn't feel that way.
And remember - it's OK to be angry with God. He knows how much it hurts, and He's more than big enough to deal with your anger.
Sometimes I find it hard when folks say, "It was God's plan" and expect that will make everyone smack their forheads and say, "Of course - what was I thinking!". Bad and sad things just happen in this life, and although God doesn't wave His hand and fix them all, He does promise to be right there with us through them all. I don't believe God builds our hopes only to dash them. I do know, however, that God can take all the sad and bad things that come our way and make something useful and even beautiful out of them later on. So through this incredibly sad time He is there, holding your hand, cradling you when you cry - He lost a son too - He knows how much you are hurting and He loves you.
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