Tuesday, December 30, 2008

last post for 2008

Hey there! Thanks to the three lovely ladies who took the wool soakers off my hands. Not sure if any of them read here - I'm guessing no - but still, a public thanks! It's nice to be able to share something handmade with others who will value it, don't you agree?

I just want to drop one last brief post for 2008. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you faithful readers who saw me through another somewhat difficult year (not nearly as bad as 2006, but still...). Hubs, the kids, and I deeply appreciate all the prayers and good thoughts that came our way throughout my pregnancy and the ensuing chaos.

Luckily, and knock on wood, everything is going wonderfully now and we have high hopes for '09. Baby AJ (he deserves some sort of blog name besides "the baby") had his 4 month well visit today and he is doing very well. He has cracked 11 lbs (by 2 oz) and should hopefully intercept the growth chart by his 6 month well visit. Yes, four months old and only 11 lbs. Compare that to your babies! Yeesh, even Daughter was almost 13 lbs at the same point in her life. Little guy has some catching up to do, but at this point we seem to have figured out his feedings such that he gains at least 1 oz per day, so almost a full pound every two weeks. He's getting there. His therapies are going very well, he is improving in every way. Still lagging in gross motor skills like lifting his head up when on his tummy, but his little neck is skinny and it's hard to lift that big bowling ball noggin. The doctor suggested we start thinking about rice cereal - already?!? But I guess we are reaching that age! I'm praying he will be able to swallow it efficiently and we can start working our way towards 1st foods.

And I am rather proud of myself for making it through 1/3 of AJ's first year pumping breastmilk so he can have it exclusively. I know it's a little nuts, and it takes up a HUGE amount of time and energy, but I breastfed Daughter for 10 months and I'd like to give him at least that much. He refuses to nurse - cries when I offer, which breaks my heart in ways I cannot describe - but I can give him the benefits another way, so I feel I must. Can I keep it up? I will surely try.

I look forward to a new year, and have just a few modest goals (ahem).

  1. Sell house. Oh please, please, please someone buy my house.
  2. Get Daughter into some sort of play/preschool-type program.
  3. Find some time for myself.
  4. Save money, live below our means.
  5. Find happiness in the midst of our chaotic life.
There are more, I'm sure, but those spring to mind. I hope you all had a truly marvelous Christmas/Holiday season and I wish you a beautiful, blessed New Year! Be careful, stay warm, and I'll see you in 2009!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

quick plug

I have listed a few wool soakers on Etsy while I still can. There are two newborn size, and one small. I'm selling them cheap and including parcel post shipping to the lower 48.

Check them out
!


newborn


newborn


small

Friday, December 12, 2008

believer

Last Sunday we went to the annual communion breakfast hosted by our local alumni club. It's the first time I've gone since I was a teenager, and the only reason I went back can be seen below:



This is the same Santa sprinkling "magic dust" in my hand who sprinkled it into my hand when I was Daughter's age. She was enthralled. Wouldn't she have just keeled over to know she ate her eggs and waffles right across from Santa just a few minutes earlier? He is truly the best Santa I've ever seen, and it was all the more special because he knew all of us personally. It was just perfect.

And yes, I an in DIRE need of a haircut, I know. (It has been growing since April...bleh!)

Thursday, December 11, 2008

elfin pants

Well, our son's surgery went great this morning. I was most impressed that it went off on time...and totally blown away by how different outpatient surgery is compared to inpatient-in-the-NICU surgery. First of all, free Beanie Baby when you check in! Neat! Second and third, the scrub nurse just carried him off to the surgical suite in her arms, and after recovery, I carried him back to his room in my arms...no rolling along on a warmer or in a crib. Weird! And then, once we'd fed him some Pedialyte, they just pulled his I.V. and shoo-ed us out the door. The whole shebang, start to finish, took 5 hours.

The audiologist said things look good, and after the swelling goes down he should hear within the normal range for learning speech and language. We won't know if it's perfect until he is at least 1 year, but for now we are thrilled.

So! Onward to the Christmas season!

I have done quite literally nothing to prepare for gift-giving. I did take advantage of the sale prices at Old Navy to get things my own family needs, which I tend to do every year. And last week I got the nutsy idea that I needed to knit some Christmas pants for the wee one. So I did.


These wee elfin pants are based on the pants pattern in Last Minute Knitted Gifts. This pattern is just OK...I'm not thrilled with it. I made a pair of these pants for a friend's baby, to use as soakers/longies, and she said the crotch pulls and there isn't much room in the rear. I now see what she meant. There are no short rows, so no extra space in the bottom area for a big, cloth-diapered baby butt. Also, the shenanigans involved in joining the legs and knitting upward are horrendous. I love these, and he will wear them all month at least, but I won't be using this pattern again.


I made these using leftovers, as we poor people are wont to do (I am on a yarn-buying hiatus at the moment). This is some crimson Patons classic merino, and some pine green Knitpicks wool of the andes, both worsted weight. I made the 0-6 month size, but changed the foldover waistband to a ribbed waistband. Much easier and faster. I have, since taking these photos, crocheted a drawstring to go through the waist for better fit (you can see the eyelet holes).

Love, love, love! And they put me in the Christmas spirit, at least a little. I want more little wool pants for him, so I purchased the original longies pattern from Little Turtle Knits and made a start on a new pair while in the surgical waiting room this morning.


And check out this sibling love-fest! My sweet boy developed some serious "right-head preference" in the NICU because all his care was performed at the right side of his crib, so the muscles in his neck are actually messed up and he does NOT like to turn his head to the left. Part of his therapy is to get him to turn his head that way, so we place everything on his left now - his toys, mirrors...and, yes, people. Say it with me now...awwwwwwwwww!

back to the hospital

Today is ear tube day. We are off to the hospital in 15 minutes. I'm very nervous.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

rambling

Oooooh, people. Life is hectic.

I reached a new high yesterday...I ventured out to the library and WalMart with both of my children. It went ok, except it's hard to put much into a shopping cart with a baby carseat in it and a tall gangly 3 year old in the front.

I'm sad to say I've become a Hisser. You know exactly what I mean. I'm now the mom who screams really quietly at my child, who in turn has become That Child Who Will Never Be My Child out in public. You've seen this child...perhaps you have one. This is the child who drags herself across the filthy library carpet on her belly despite repeated hissings to stopitrightnow, or runs away in the parking lot despite a billion warnings that a car could come and squash her flat in a second. I am doing my best, I really am. But my best feels pretty crappy these days.

I am eating crow constantly, I must say. I always told people I wasn't nervous at all about having two children. What's the big deal? Practically everybody does it, and lots of families have many more than two. But then again, maybe not everyone has a son with special needs, who can't just be picked up and nursed while attending to the other child(ren), who has appointments at various offices and hospitals 1 to 3 times a week and physical and occupational therapy 4 times a week, who has to be monitored constantly so he doesn't choke on his own saliva.

On the upside, he hasn't been choking, and forgive me if I am repeating myself, but he no longer has to be on his monitor 24/7 - only when sleeping or out of our sight (like when riding in the car). And I haven't turned on that hideous suction machine in 3.5 weeks. My goal is to never use it ever again. I have researched feeding issues rather extensively and - no surprise - putting something like that in an infant's mouth and throat can lead to serious oral aversion. Anyway, he can cough really well now and clears his airway nicely, so things are improving, albeit at a glacial pace.

The adrenaline has worn off, though. I am starting to really hate waking up at 3 a.m. to feed my peacefully sleeping baby. I sure hope he gains acceptably so we can quit that miserable job. He packed on an ounce a day last week, so let's hope he keeps that up. Still, only 9 lbs, 7 oz at 3 months old is pretty lame. I worry about him so much.

I'm trying not to be selfish. But I am tired. So, so tired. My number one favorite thing to do right now is sleep. And I miss doing the things I like to do. I get to knit a few stitches here and there, but there's no chance of getting out my sewing machine for the foreseeable future...and I want to! My fingers itch to whip up Christmas gifts and quilts and clothes for my kids. I want to blog about fun stuff, and take nice photos to post. I want to have fun and be happy but life feels like 99% work, 1% enjoyment just now.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhh. This too shall pass.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

giving thanks

Well, I think it is obvious what I am thankful for this year.





May all of you who celebrate have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 24, 2008

nap denial

Oh, internet friends...I love how you get all indignant for me. I may indeed write that letter to the medical director of the NICU. I'll let you know.

Onward to another issue - one that does not involve my baby, believe it or not. Or, rather, does not involve him directly. The issue is sleep. I am not getting enough (obviously). But Daughter is getting too much.

She is just over 3 and a half, and has consistently napped in the afternoons forever. She will eat lunch, play a little, go potty, and then sack out for 1.5 - 3 hours. Yes, really. The problem is, she doesn't want to get up. Much like her father, she wants to just sleep the day away. Mind you, I love the solitude in the afternoon, and I would love to nap also, but you just know the baby refuses to sleep for the entire time she does. Boo.

Anyway, she finally gets up after much cajoling and poking and prodding, and she's totally nasty to me, kicking and fighting as I try to get her up. I've tried waking her early. I've tried just letting her get up on her own. No matter what I seem to try, she is miserable. And then when bedtime rolls around at night, she is wide awake in bed until 11 p.m. Unacceptable!

So yesterday we went out in the afternoon and she just cat-napped in the car. She was bathed and in bed by 8 p.m. and asleep by 8:30. YES! Today I tried to keep her up...and she begged me for a nap. BEGGED ME! What kind of alternate universe do I live in where my 3 year old is begging me to let her take a nap? She has just fallen asleep on the couch, which is fine, the regular noise of the household will wake her shortly. I just don't know how to navigate this issue.

She obviously still wants (and perhaps needs) some afternoon rest, but I need her to go to bed at a reasonable hour and get a good night of sleep. Ah, parenting. Where's that manual, again? Can't seem to find my copy...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

hallelujah!

There is a portion of my son's healthcare/diagnosis that I have not blogged about yet, both because it felt quite personal and painful, and because it has been rather up-in-the-air.

Because his problems are related to cranial nerves, many symptoms present themselves that don't necessarily seem to make sense at first. The first neonatologist, at the hospital where our son was born, suggested he might have hearing loss because that is often a result of cranial nerve damage/deficiency. We were frightened of that, especially since there was some question of whether or not he could see, also.

At the second hospital, it was determined that his eyes were ok, and we now know that he definitely sees. But his hearing seemed deficient in every test. Two ABR (or BAER) tests were performed in the NICU, both with questionable results because he was not sedated and moved a bit during the tests. They were performed by EEG techs, and read by a neurologist, but no one in the NICU seemed to be able to tell us what the results meant. It was frustrating, to say the least. Eventually, after the second test was performed, and we begged for some answers, a nurse practitioner looked at the results and told us our son had complete bilateral hearing loss.

Oh my goodness, imagine what that was like. Complete bilateral hearing loss. Our son could not hear.

We went home, told our family and friends to start learning sign language, and I immediately began investigating deaf infant programs in our area. I was so sad and scared. Our son had enough problems with his feeding issues...why this too?

A day or two later I asked to speak with the neonatologist on duty to confirm this hearing diagnosis. I got another nurse practitioner, which did not surprise me as they are the liason between the medical team and the family. She gave me the same information as the first NP.

The next day, I finally got the neonatologist to come talk to me. As an interesting aside, his own 4 yr old daughter has cochlear implants, so I thought surely he would be sensitive to this issue and give me some answers. He came into the nursery, informed me that a) they were more concerned about his feeding than his hearing and b) he had not seen the test results. He then proceeded to tell me all the possible fixes for hearing loss, all the while not really knowing if any of them applied to my child.

Perhaps some of you have had children in the NICU - I wonder if getting information was like pulling teeth for you as well.

Finally, after a couple more weeks when discharge was looming, Hubs and I demanded a meeting with audiology and the NICU team to determine what, exactly, we were to do with this hearing situation. During that meeting, the audiologist, who I have come to know and love, looked at the test results and said she could not confidently say our son had complete hearing loss. We went around the room and NONE of the medical professionals in the group could even INTERPRET the results, much less give us an informed diagnosis. (The two NPs who had told us our son couldn't hear were not present at this meeting - it was not their shift.)

So. I was ready to kill someone at that point and told the room as much. I let them know how angry we were to have been told incorrect information, and I told them who disseminated it. I know that original NP was spoken to, and it was suggested that I write a letter to either the director of nursing or the medical director of the NICU. I am still pondering that. It is so, so irresponsible to give families incorrect information like that. I wanted to throw a brick at her face, I'll tell you what.

Fast forward a week or so, and we have the same test performed in a sound-proof booth by the actual audiologist. She also performed a tympanogram (puff of air blown against the eardrum to check for movement). She determined he has very mild loss bilaterally and it is conductive. That means the cochlea works, and the nerve is taking the sound info to the brain stem. The problem is somewhere between the outside world and the middle ear. His eardrums did not really move, so something was definitely structurally wrong. She confirmed that he can, in fact, hear us, and can hear very high pitches quite well. If we speak loudly he should be able to basically understand us, but it may be muffled.

Fast forward again to this morning. We had an appointment with a pediatric ENT specialist, who took one look in our son's ears and said, "yep, there's fluid in there." That is why the eardrums don't move.

FLUID!

We went from "your son is deaf" to "there's fluid in them thar ears."

In 3 weeks our son will (unfortunately) have surgery again, this time to place tubes in his ears. While he is anesthetized, he will have the ABR performed again by the same audiologist to determine that the tubes did the trick. The ENT guy is pretty sure that should do it, though, and our son will hear just fine.

It turns out this is a common problem for kids with cranial nerve trouble. The muscles that open the eustachian tubes don't work properly, so fluid does not drain.

Last night before I went to sleep I prayed a shoddy little prayer - something along the lines of, hey God, how about you give us a break on this one? And he has. Oh, praise Him, he has cut us a major break. I wish surgery wasn't required, but people, fixing this will give him language! Praise God!

So to wrap up, I want to remind all of you parents out there that you have a right to ACCURATE information about your child and their health care. Sometimes you have to fight and be demanding and even be kind of a pain in someone's ass, but that is our job, no?

Monday, November 17, 2008

thirsties wanted!

I would love to blog, really I would...I just don't have the time to even come up for air right now. Bear with me, I WILL be back.

There is even some knitting! My poor, neglected Daughter was going to have some cold hands if I didn't bust a move making her some mittens, and there is a hat and scarf combo in the near future...I am thinking that will make some quality 3 a.m. knitting when I am waiting for the baby's milk to run through.

Good news, briefly: The child no longer has to have his monitor hooked up 24/7! Only when he is sleeping and/or out of our sight. This is so awesome, because that thing is like a freaking ball and chain, literally. Also, barring anything unforeseen, tomorrow he gets his temporary feeding tube out and the new "button" put in, which will be almost flush against his skin and only be opened/closed when needed. He currently has about 18" of tubing coming out the front of his clothing at all times, which is dangerous, scary, annoying, and quite frankly, rather unsightly. Also, it blows "tummy time" to smithereens. My child is 11 weeks old and cannot yet hold up his own head. Sad, I know. He is certainly behind. He also just cracked 9 lbs. Ay-yi-yi.

Ok, so - things have normalized enough that I have made the big switcheroo to my beloved cloth diapers. I only bought one thirsties cover when I made my order back in the summer, because I didn't know if I would like them. And I DO like them! In fact, I LOVE the thirsties cover, and I want more. The question I have is, does anyone have any XS thirsties covers they no longer need and want to sell to me? I am just looking to pick up a few more at a lower price than the brand new ones. Medical bills and such, you know.

If you have some, or know someone who does, please leave a comment or drop me a line: momwhoknits AT yahoo DOT com. Thanks!!

Monday, November 10, 2008

a day in the life

Where shall I begin? How about 3 a.m.-ish? Ok, here we go:

2:40 a.m. - wake to alarm because child sleeps through the night (thank God for that blessing)

3:00 a.m. - bring warmed bottle of fortified breast milk upstairs, feed to sleeping child.

3:15 a.m. - collapse back into bed.

6:20 a.m. - wake to alarm again. Go downstairs, pump bottles of milk, warm prepared bottle.

7:00 a.m. - feed prepared bottle to still-sleeping child. Collapse back into bed for a few more precious moments of rest, or grab shower if we have appointments that day.

7:20 a.m. or so - get back up to change horribly stinky poopy diaper, generated as direct result of 7:00 feeding.

7:30 - unplug monitor from outlet, throw that and the suction machine over shoulder, grab some clean clothes for the child, grab child, make way downstairs.

7:30-8:00 - perform morning cares for smaller child (clean g-tube site, change gauze, dispense eyedrops), change poop #2, dress child.

*8:00-9:30 - wrangle Daughter through breakfast, potty and dressing. Attempt to eat something as well.

9:30-10:00* - pump and mix bottles

*If this is an appointment day, wrangle Daughter much faster, throw still-damp hair into a shitty-looking ponytail, pack up wee child's machines and diaper bag, and throw everyone in the car...while desperately trying to avoid the use of 4-letter words. Arrive late to appointment, sit and wait anyway, get through 30 second appointment, head home.

11:00 - attempt bottle or breast-feeding, then finish with g-tube feeding.

11:30-12:30 - attempt to feed Daughter something healthy for lunch

1:00 - pump and mix bottles

1:30 - read stories and drop-kick Daughter into her bed for nap

1:40 - end of naptime - attempt to do some laundry, make the bed, eat something, pay bills, or heaven forbid...relax for two seconds.

3:00 - feed baby, cuddle, play, spend quality time

3:30 - wrangle Daughter onto the toilet for post-nap pee, have snack, hang out playing go-fish, candyland, playdough, or coloring while still trying to do some laundry and/or finish (my) lunch.

4:30 - pump and mix bottles

5:00 -7:00 - work on dinner, attempt to calm fussy baby, eat something.

7:30 - pump and mix bottles

8:00 - chuck Daughter in tub or wrestle her into pajamas.

8:30 - read stories and bodyslam Daughter into bed.

9:00-10:30 - hang with baby, try not to fall asleep, perhaps knit one or two rows if baby is sleeping.

10:30 - pump and mix bottles

10:50 - change baby for bed, warm bottle, take baby and all equipment upstairs.

11:00 - place baby in bed, administer final feeding of the day.

11:20 - collapse into bed.

Rinse. Repeat.

I must add that we are currently living with my parents in their large home so that I will have help with just about all of the above while Hubs goes to work. Our house is going on the market, and there is no way I could leave for showings in this situation.

A child with special needs is a handful, even when those special needs are not extremely complicated.

Life is a tad overwhelming just now.

Monday, October 27, 2008

home

On Friday afternoon, after 53 days in two NICUs, my baby boy breathed the outside air for the first time.


Off the hospital monitors and dressed to go home.


Heading to the car in the NICU buggy.

We are happy. We are exhausted.

We are home.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

on our way

People! Listen!

MY BABY IS COMING HOME!

The doctor told us this morning that once we have our training on how to care for the G tube (which is tomorrow), we can TAKE HIM HOME.

Discharge is planned for Friday afternoon, as long as he doesn't do anything silly between now and then. We are not telling him he is going home, because whenever you do that, something rotten happens and the kid ends up staying. No, thank you. It is time for us to wave goodbye to the NICU and be a family again.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

it's the little things

Baby boy is on breastmilk already! As of this morning they discontinued the Pedialyte and started him on breastmilk again. I couldn't be more thrilled at the speed of his progress right now. He is only getting 5 ml this morning, slowly infused, but it will increase by 5 ml each feeding until he eventually gets back up to a reasonable level. If his system tolerates it well, they will do bigger jumps.

He is also off morphine now, meaning hopefully one of the IVs will come out. The other will be decreased until he is on full feeds, and then will be discontinued.

His nurse also told me he is off the warmer for good, dressed and wrapped up, and will be going back into a regular crib.

They are baby steps, literally, but feel like giant leaps to me right now.

Friday, October 17, 2008

just a little update

For those interested in the medical happenings, our son is resting relatively comfortably. He continues to receive tiny doses of morphine as needed, but he has not needed much. This morning, 48 hours after surgery, he is finally being fed, though it is just Pedialyte. They are literally administering it drop by drop through the GT and it is agonizing to watch it drip, knowing he is hungry and that's all he can have.

In a couple of days he will go to a very slow feed of breastmilk again, and hopefully by next week we will begin bolus feedings so we can start thinking about discharge.

We haven't been able to hold him yet, as he is tethered to the pump that administers the Pedialyte. That will continue on a constant, around-the-clock drip for now. Plus he is still in pain and I wouldn't want to pick him up and hold him if it means his abdomen would be scrunched up.

As for me? Well, I am doing my best. I am angry and confused and hurt and sad, mostly because my little boy has to suffer. I'm tired...the kind of tired where you don't even fully realize just how tired you are until you lay down in bed at night, flip on the news, and miss it because sleep comes instantly. I'm straight-up worn out and just want this all to be over...as much as it can be. This morning Hubs and I went to training for CPR and to learn how to use the apnea/bradycardia monitor and suction machine our son will come home with, a real reminder that things won't be the same around here for the foreseeable future.

I guess that's it for now. Just muddling through as best we can.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

post op

My little man had his surgery yesterday morning. It went remarkably fast, and he came through great. No problems with anesthesia, and the surgeon said his anatomy is normal so no complications when they opened his abdomen. We were able to be with him right up until the anesthesiologists took him away, and we rejoined him immediately after he returned to the NICU. As for me...well, I managed to get through using only 3 tissues, so I guess my crying was minimal.

I went back to see him last night, just to check on him, and he was laying splayed out on a warmer, his middle covered in bandages, moaning and crying and startling a lot. He is used to being swaddled and held, so this is something of a surprise to him. The nurses were giving him teeny doses of morphine every couple of hours to keep him comfortable, but he didn't look comfortable to me.

They will start feeding him again, slowly, slowly, starting tonight or tomorrow. It is the first step toward bringing him home. I might be able to hold him today when I go in. I sure hope so - I think it would be a great comfort to us both.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Properly practiced, knitting soothes the troubled spirit, and it doesn't hurt the untroubled spirit, either. ~Elizabeth Zimmerman

Oh hi.

I am so exhausted. When I finally lay my head down at night the room spins. Our son has now spent all of his 5 weeks of life in the hospital, and it won't end soon. His surgery is still a week away (next Wednesday the 15th), and then there will be recovery, and our education as to how we care for him. And the bills have just started to roll in. Heaven help me.

I don't want to drive back and forth to the hospital even one more stinking time. And have I mentioned that the route to the hospital takes me right past the cemetery where my daughter is buried? How fun is that? But I can't skip even one day or I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I get about 2 precious hours with my son each day. The whole thing just sucks.

The knitting has not fallen by the wayside, believe it or not. I finished up a couple of sweaters before the birth, and since then I have managed two pumpkin hats for my two little pumpkins. Baby's is way too big, but Daughter's is a-ok.


Photo credit goes to my mom, who, along with my dad, took Daughter to a local farm last weekend. Thank God for my parents, without whom I would be totally dead right now.

Anyway, that there is the ubiquitous fruit hat, knit in Knitpicks Wool of the Andes (colors: pumpkin and fern) and the Knitting Pure and Simple children's neck-down cardigan with the knitted collar option, knit in Lion Brand Fisherman (color: nature's brown). For the record, one skein of that yarn is enough for this sweater in the smallest size (2-4 years, I believe), making it one of the cheapest heavy wool sweaters ever - about 6 bucks. Hey, I am stressed out and anxious beyond belief, but I am still frugal. I wish I could show the awesome wooden toggle buttons on the front, but all the front shots show her face and you all know how I feel about faces on the blog. They're gorgeous, though.

Time to go pump breastmilk. Now I know how dairy cows feel. Sheesh.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

heads i win, tails you lose

When you decide to have a baby, you're really just flipping a giant coin, or rolling a giant set of universe dice. If you're lucky, like so many of us, you get a mostly perfect baby with no outward signs of dysfunction. If you're not so lucky, like so many of us, you get a baby with some serious problems.

We are about to be placed on the OR schedule for placement of a permanent gastrostomy tube. It is the only way my baby can come home and eat safely. Part of the surgery will also tighten the sphincter muscle in his tummy so he will not reflux and choke. I watched him do that very thing yesterday and he turned blue right in front of me. It was horrifying.

I hate this. I hate it so much I can barely breathe. Mostly I hate that if I say the words "feeding tube" people will think I have a disabled baby or something, and I DO NOT. My baby is so beautiful and perfect and I love him so desperately...and I don't want anyone looking at us with pity. He just can't eat. And right now I will do anything to get him out of that NICU. To get him away from the many, many doctors who come in and poke and prod him every damn day. He needs to come home and be loved and cuddled and held and played with, and yes, fed through a stupid old tube into his belly so he can grow and get strong and hopefully show all those stupid old doctors that he will be just fine.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

more stuff about my baby

I just want to say that I do not write these posts fishing for comments...but that all the amazingly kind and supportive words you've shared over these couple of weeks have meant so much to me. It sounds cheesy and trite, but it's true. I find that I can relax a little, knowing so many are lifting us up in prayer and hope.

This has been one of the most stressful weeks of our lives, and oddly enough, we have come full circle. Our son was admitted to his current hospital one week ago yesterday with feeding difficulties, and he is now hanging out in the NICU...with feeding difficulties. But God is good, people, and don't you forget it - each day of this harrowing week has allowed us to tick one more horrifying potential diagnosis off the list and move forward. We have now found out that our baby's brain is not damaged, he can see (the O.T. examined him and confirmed he tracks visually, thank you Lord), and despite having "low tone" he moves his body in typical newborn fashion. The only somewhat scary thing that is still up in the air is his hearing. They attempted to do their more sophisticated test more than once but he kept waking up and ruining it, so it was finally completed yesterday. We'll find out the results soon.

There are specialists beginning to work with him on feeding once again - they have confirmed he can drink from a bottle (which we already knew but they did not) but the milk collects in his throat at times and he becomes uncoordinated, causing him to choke. They haven't let me nurse him again - yet - but I think it's coming soon. He tends to do better with nursing because he can pace himself more naturally than when he is given a bottle. Also, he gets a better latch, probably due to the size of a human nipple as compared to a smaller bottle nipple.

Bear with me - I'm just trying to chronicle some of this stuff. And please, if you would, continue to keep us in your prayers. It is working, we are so blessed. Thank you!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

my son, the enigma

Our son's MRI came back looking normal. So thank God for that. The doctors let us know yesterday that they were pretty sure something was going to be abnormal in his brain stem, but the radiologist said if they hadn't told him what they were looking for, he would have questioned why they were having the MRI done at all. The scan wasn't good enough to see the exact cranial nerves they wanted to check out, because babies are too small (and therefore the nerves are too small to be seen). But his brain looks fine.

So we're still nowhere on the gag issue, and they are worried about his hearing because he failed the very first hearing screen (last week at the first hospital) bilaterally. His optic nerves are present and we believe he sees, but we can't be totally sure about hearing. So that was redone yesterday after we left for the day and we will hopefully find out some results today. However, his hearing is not my main concern - if there is a problem we have lots of options (and I am not convinced there IS a problem...I swear he responds to our voices and when Daughter came to read him a story the other day, he perked up, opened his eyes, and looked right at her when she started reading).

Basically right now we have the world's most expensive day care (and night care) - all they are really doing with him is feeding him through the teeny tube that goes down his throat. I spend all of my time either at the hospital holding him, home pumping breast milk to bring to the hospital, or spending time with Daughter so she doesn't start to hate us and resent her baby brother for taking so much of our time.

He looks so beautiful and perfect - I am so frustrated that I can't just bring him home. The doctors won't let us even try to feed him (via bottle or breast) because they don't want to put him in danger. The neonatologist heading up the team (who happens to be the father of some kids I went to high school with: cue "it's a small, small world") sat with us for a long, long time yesterday discussing our son, and he basically threw up his hands and said our baby is an enigma. A medical mystery.

So we drive back and forth. I hook up to my Medela. And we wait while more specialists are called in to see if someone, anyone, can figure out what is wrong with my baby.