this and that

Dear Son,

Please stop trying to push your way out butt-first through my belly button. That hurts.

Love,
Mom

*****

Well, as evidenced by my last post, I have my good days and bad days. That last post was on a very bad day indeed. I was in a lot of pain and really struggling. Baby is so low, and the underside of my belly actually aches and the skin hurts. I've never quite experienced that before so it's difficult to deal with, especially as I try to deal with an energetic 3 year old.

So I apologize for the bitching and moaning.

*****

Tomorrow is my baby girl's birthday. I'm struggling with that this year, more so than last. I'm not sure why that is, but it's a bit of a challenge to keep from crying just now. Exactly two years ago this minute I was lying in a hospital bed, surrounded by random people and machinery, absorbing the knowledge that the baby in my belly was no longer alive. I suppose that would make anyone cry, to think about how that might feel. I went through it, and I still don't know what to think - I find myself looking back in a detached state of wonder, like, how did I live through that?

But I did. And sometimes it still feels really fresh. Especially now, as I close in on my due date. I mean, the best and worst experiences of my life happen(ed) in the exact same place under almost identical circumstances. That's screwed up, man. And tomorrow, on her actual birthday, we will be at the same hospital for another biophysical profile of baby brother. Oy. Is it any wonder I'm an emotional basket case these days? For real.

*****

Here is what helps: knitting like mad and watching the Olympics. Seriously! How can you be sad while watching Michael Phelps? I was a competitive swimmer for many years and watching those Olympic swimming races brings it all back. So awesome to see such physical prowess. Plus, I cannot lie, the man is the HOTness. What? It's ok, I can say that, my husband openly ogles the beach volleyball players and I'm cool with that.

Also, chocolate chip cookies. Those help too.

Here is what I am racing to finish before baby arrives:


I made the identical blanket for Daughter in the days leading up to her birth, but her blanket is sage green because we didn't know she was definitely a girl. I'm into the third (and final) repeat of the pattern, hoping to get it done before I go into labor.

So. BPP tomorrow, then 37-week OB appointment on Wednesday, where we will find out if any progress is being made.